Random Thoughts
1. Boston.com - He boasted that he had the physical strength, the mental toughness, and the maritime technology to row 3,600 miles across the steely Atlantic, from Cape Cod to France, faster than any human in history. Turns out, Charlie Girard lacked all three. Just over 50 miles into his row, the 26-year-old Frenchman called for the Coast Guard to rescue him. Yesterday, Girard expressed disappointment with the denouement of his voyage, which he had called Atlantique 2007. "The sea was very, very hard," he said. "I was very tired, too."I think it will take many days to stop the nightmares."
His initial attempt was launched June 30, when he set off from the Orleans Yacht Club with 100 days worth of condensed milk, cereal bars, and dehydrated snacks. His plan was to break the record set in 2004 for a solo row across the North Atlantic: 62 days, 19 hours, and 48 minutes. But the harbormaster towed him back a few hours later after his boat sprung a leak.
Before I totally trash this guy let’s at least give him some credit. He did complete 1% of the total trip. If you’re one of his sponsors or donated money for his boat that’s got to be some consolation right? And let’s not forget that this was a massive improvement from his first trip when he lasted approximately 20 minutes. I mean if the Frenchman continues to improve at the same rate from trip to trip he’ll have this record in no time. Now if he could just overcome the nightmares he’d be home free.
And just for the record I think the coast guard should have let this guy die. Listen, I have no problem with people pushing themselves and trying to win imaginary records. But don’t start crying for help when you run into trouble. Risking your life is just part of the deal when you do shit like this. I mean if you’re going to call the Coast Guard anytime your life is in jeopardy, what’s the point of doing it in the first place? Same thing with Running of the Bulls, Climbing Mt Everest, David Blaine tricks etc. The bottom line with all these stunts is that if you fail you should die, end of story. In fact, if 100 people haven’t already died trying to get the record you’re trying to break it’s probably not worth a record having in the first place.
2. USA Today - ORANGE BEACH, Ala. An 11-year-old Perdido Key girl has been charged with driving under the influence after she led Orange Beach police on a high-speed chase. The girl told police she was on her way to pick up her sister at a concert in Orange Beach. The case has been handed over to the Baldwin County Juvenile Court for prosecution. Along with the DUI charge, the girl faces charges of speeding, leaving the scene of an accident and reckless endangerment, Duck said.
Kids these days. First question. When do you think this chick lost her virginity? I’m guessing at age 7. I mean if you’re drinking and driving and leading cops on high speed chases at age 11 you got to be banging by 7 right? Regardless, this story is pretty amazing. I mean I can kind of understand it if she just stole the car and went to pick up her sister. I can kind of understand it is she just somehow broke into the liquor cabinet and had a few pops. But the combination of drinking, driving and fleeing the cops is a bit much, even for an 11 year old. Imagine trying to date this chick. Something tells me an ice cream cone and mini golf isn't going to cut it. It’s even money whether this girl lives to see 13.
3. AOL.com - Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo told reporters Thursday that someone has threatened to release personal photos of her if she does not relinquish her title. "I am presently the victim of blackmail and possible extortion," she said. Polumbo's lawyer, Anthony Caruso, said that starting last week, Polumbo, her family and officials in the Miss New Jersey Education Foundation received packages with pictures of her and the demand that she resign by Friday. Caruso said he couldn't comment further because more photos could arrive and change everything.
Nice! It’s about freaking time for another Miss America controversy. But frankly I disapprove of the way the blackmailers are handling this situation. You don’t black mail the contestant. That’s bad form. You just create a website called www.nastymissjersey.com and post all the pictures there and sell advertising on the site. As a fellow smut peddler myself and pseudo expert on Miss USA debauchery, I can guarantee that www.nastymissjersey will be a huge hit. Bottom line is that you don’t extort the chick herself. Nobody wins that way. You post the pictures online making yourself a quick buck and also helping Miss Jersey become a mini celebrity in the process. Everybody wins that way. It’s a no brainer. As a side note, if the lawyer is saying there could potentially be more devastating photos to come that “could change everything” is there any doubt that there are more photos out there? I’ll be disappointed with anything less than penetration this year.
4. Philadelphia (AP) - Jeremy Roenick is retiring, a newspaper reported, after an 18 year NHL career in which he became the third-leading American goal-scorer in league history. Roenick, a nine-time All-Star who played with four teams, sent a text messageto a reporter at The Philadelphia Inquirer reading, "I'm retiring; is that still news?" The story was posted on the paper's web site Wednesday.
Well score this one for the serial texters of the world. The dude retired via text message. RETIRED! I wish I could've done that 6 years ago when I retired, it would've only been 1000 times less awkward. And it's not like he's some 4th line journeyman who played 3 games in the league. Roenick's arguably not only the greatest Sega hockey player of all time, but he's a future Hall of Famer in real life. So this is historic stuff we're talking about here. Pretty soon we'll be able to congratulate couples on having babies, dump significant others and call in sick to work, ALL via text message! Apparently these things are all frowned upon today as far as texting goes, but you just wait 10-15 years. Thanks to JR, hopefully nobody will have to say anything of importance to anyone ever again.
5. 20 years from now people will be talking about where they were the day they watched Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi in the most exciting, unpredictable, and flat out exhilarating event in the history of modern civilization. Yes folks, the Mustard Belt has come back to America! But it wasn’t easy. As great a champion as Kobayashi was during the past six years, he may have earned the most respect through defeat. With rumors swirling about jaw arthritis and a damaged wisdom tooth Kobayashi rose to the occasion to meet the young American challenger. In the beginning it looked like it was going to be a route for the brash American, Joey Chestnut. He raced out to an early seven dog lead and appeared like he would cruise to victory. But mustering the internal fortitude that mere mortal men can only dream of, Kobayashi mounted a furious comeback. The crowd looked on in awe as Kobayashi slowly but surely cut into the Chestnut lead eventually tying the competition with 2 minutes left to go and even taking a brief lead with just seconds left in the game. Both men had already shattered the Coney Island hot dog record as well as the World record. I swear if you listened closely to the Coney Island crowd you could hear “Kobayashi” chants reverberating throughout the stands in a scene vaguely reminiscent to Rocky IV. But unfortunately for Kobayshi this isn’t the movies. This is competitive eating. And Kobayashi’s story book comeback fell short with an unfortunate reversal of fortune with 1 second left on the buzzer. But like the champion he is Kobayashi ate his puke to try and avoid the automatic elimination. How gallant is that? So while in the end the title now belongs to Joey Chestnut the day belonged to Kobayashi as he showed the world just what a great champion he was.
6. RICHMOND, Va. — Deadly methane gas emanating from a dairy farm's manure pit killed five people, including four members of a Mennonite family, authorities said. At some point, the pipe that was transferring the manure became clogged, and Scott Showalter climbed in the pit to fix the blockage, Farley said. He apparently was overcome by methane gas, which is a byproduct of the liquefied manure, Farley said. Emergency workers believe Stoltzfus climbed into the pit in an attempt to rescue Showalter. When the two men didn't come out, Phyillis Showalter and then the couple's two daughters apparently made their way in, all succumbing to the deadly gas.
As a professional blogger there is always a fine line we walk when discussing tragedy. And this story is obviously a tragedy. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t post this story because clearly suffocating to death on toxic manure fumes has to be in the discussion for worst ways to die. Throw in the domino effect of an entire family going down for the count and this may be the worst multiple death story we’ve ever encountered. I’m not going to crack any jokes.
7. KPTV.com SALEM, Ore. --A Marion County judge said lap dances in Salem are protected by the free speech provisions of the Oregon Constitution. Judge Albin Norblad's ruling struck down a city ban Friday on "prohibited touching" -- sexually exciting physical contact for pay. The case involves 24-year-old Laurel Guillen, a dancer at a Salem club called Cheetah's, who gave a lap dance to an undercover officer in 2005. Salem residents hoping to limit Salem strip club activity called the ruling a setback.
You got to love Oregon. Not only are their cheerleaders the hottest broads in the world, but they consider lap dancing a form of free speech. Is the judge serious? Listen, I’m all for smut peddling and sexual exploitation, but even I think this is a stretch. I mean it would be one thing if the stripper was a mute, but I’ve never heard of a mute stripper before. And I got to believe there is no such thing. I mean how would she ever get a lap dance if she couldn't work the room? Also I’m working under the assumption if there was a mute stripper somewhere in the world she’d get all sorts of publicity like Curtis Pride and I would have known who she was. Regardless, you got to love Oregon.
8. NY POST July 2, 2007 -- Oh, no, she didn't! Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez's long-suffering wife, Cynthia, may have finally flipped her pretty lid yesterday when she went to a game in The Bronx wearing a tight-fitting, white tank top bearing a foul message on the back: "F- - - you." "[One] father, was so embarrassed, he got up and left and took his son," who appeared to be about 10 years old, a fan said. "I mean this kid was right in back of Cynthia - his nose must have been about 4 inches away from the words 'F- - - you.' "
As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I think I’m starting to fall in love with the whole Arod clan. It’s one of the most shocking turn around in the history of my life. I mean Arod was my most hated player of all time just a couple years ago. I just couldn’t stand his slimy used car salesman persona. He was always so concerned with his image and trying to trick people into thinking he was some type of humanitarian. But that has all flown out the window recently. Somewhere along the line the Arod’s decided that they don’t give a fuck anymore. They have officially embraced the role of the villain. They’ve totally stopped trying to fake like they are great people. Their inner asshole is coming out in spades and frankly I can’t get enough of it. It’s like when Hulk Hogan switched to Hollywood Hogan. But even he didn’t rub little kids faces in a fuck you shirt.
9. Every once in a while I feel like I’m really into something that many Stoolies would consider “gay”. Not that there is anything wrong with that. For example a couple months ago I stated that I love Lionel Richie. And I stand by this fact. The guy is playing chess when everybody else is playing checkers. And now I must admit that I’m dying to see Ratatouille. This of course is that new Disney Pixar movie. I have no idea why I want to see it so bad, but I just do. Some things in this world you can’t explain. Anyway does wanting to see Ratatouille give me the gay as Homer Simpson would say?
PS - Am I going to get in trouble for this blog? I've reread it l0 times trying to figure out if it's offensive. And I don't think it's that bad. Because if liking Ratatouille makes me gay then sign me up.
10. Inside Track - New England Patriots QB/QT - and fledgling real estate flipper - Tom Brady is under fire by thePlumbers & Gasfitters Union who want their brothers on the job at Brady’s Beacon Street rehab installing all of the bowls - Super or otherwise!
“We’re not going to any Pats games until he builds union,” said Francis JensenofLocal 12, who with about a half-dozen of his brethren threw up an informational picket line in front of No. 12’s Back Bay condo yesterday. Added union captain Tom Koney: “Here’s a guy who gets paid millions for what he does but he doesn’t believe in paying plumbers a decent wage.”
Metric president Geoffre Karabooladsaid he would have been happy to hire union plumbers for the Brady job but none contacted him during the bidding process and “all of the obligations to hire any of the workers are ours, and we did not confer with Tom about who to hire,” he said.
But the plumbers say that Brady was aware of their pipe gripes because they sent a letter to the two-time Super BowlMVP’s agents before throwing up the picket line, and they never heard anything back. “Our members are great Patriots supporters, and we didn’t want to embarrass him,” Cotter said. “But we are disappointed he didn’t respond.” Cotter said Local 12 has a special place in their hearts for No. 12 - natch - and feel that the lack of response was a “slap in the face.”
So let me get this straight. The plumbers sent Tom Brady a letter and he didn’t respond? Holy shit! I guess Brady really is an asshole. I mean it’s not like he gets a ton of mail or anything like that. I know when I send a letter to one of the most popular athletes in the world I expect a hand written response within 24 hours of receipt.
Also let’s call a spade a spade. Sure Geoffre Karaboolad is trying to bite the bullet for Brady, but you know that Brady hand picked the non union plumbing company himself. After all what else does he have to do besides fucking Gisele, playing in celebrity golf tournaments and traveling the world?
I’m sure scouring the yellow pages for the cheapest plumbing company to fix his shitter is his top priority in life right now. I just hope the Pats can withstand the financial ramifications of a 12 man boycott this season.
11. VENICE, Fla. -- A man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water, authorities said.Burger, from Lenoir City, Tenn., was taken to a hospital but was not seriously injured, Morse said Tuesday. It took seven Fish and Wildlife officers an hour to trap the one-eyed alligator, which measured 10 feet, 11 inches, Morse said.The pond at the sixth hole has a "Beware of Alligator" sign.
We may have gotten more emails about this story than any story in the history of the Stool. And naturally they all said something to the effect that Chubbs Lives! And I totally agree that this story is pretty amazing. I mean I know movies are fake and all that, but this has to be the same alligator from the Happy Gilmore right? It’s just too big a coincidence for it not to be. I mean it bites people’s arms and only has one eye? That’s enough evidence for me.
As a side note, why did the Fish and Wildlife officers feel the need to trap this alligator? I mean if you start fishing around for a golf ball in a pond that clearly has a “Beware of Alligator” sign than you deserve to get eaten. I don’t think it’s really fair to blame the alligator do you?
12. Local6.com - Two women in Seminole County, Fla., are accused of performing sex acts in front of children at a community pool bathroom while a third woman photographed them, according to a police report. Seminole County sheriff's deputies arrested Emily Hernandez and Johannie Jimenez over the weekend at the Casselberry public bathroom. A woman told police that she was walking into the bathroom with her children, and noticed Hernandez and Jimenez naked and apparently performing oral sex. She said another woman was photographing the acts. The pregnant mother said she tried to leave the area with her children but the women would not let her leave. She said she was threatened not to call the police.
Leave it to the pregnant mother to rain on everybody’s parade. It’s a sad day in America when a couple lesbians can’t dyke out at a kid’s public pool anymore. Honestly, what’s this world coming to?
Seriously though, you’re totally asking for trouble when you go to a public pool. I actually drove by the North End pool today on my paper route and I felt bad for everybody there. Yeah, I know it was 93 degrees out , but I’d have literally have to be on fire to go in a public pool. And even then I may still not go in. I’m just not a fan of swimming in little kid piss and god knows what else.
13. TMZ.com - Rapper Foxy Brown was attacked by three female friends of her ex-boyfriend yesterday morning. Brown allegedly dumped Roshawn Anthony after finding out that he was a pimp. The angry ex then called the three attackers to beat up Brown. According to a police source in theDaily News, "they beat her bad. They ripped out her hair weave. Her hair was a mess -- and that seems to be what she cared about most."
I don’t know how to compete against this story. I mean how can I write something funnier than the actual story itself? I guess sometimes as a blogger you just need to tip your cap and move on. A story about Foxy Brown’s ex pimp boyfriend sending in 3 ho’s to fuck up her hair weave is like a 99mph fastball on the black. Totally unhittable.
14. ESPN.com - The Hagers are trying to figure out how life went off track for their teenage daughter, Windy. They envisioned that life for the good student and promising athlete would be filled with dreams of the prom and college, but that all changed this week when Windy, 16, married her high school track coach. "Signing those consent forms was the hardest thing I did in my whole life, but we had to move on, it was going to kill us all," Dennis (her father) said.
I'm a little late on this story, but can I take a stab at when things went off track for the Hagers? It was the second they named their kid “Windy”. After all, it’s a well known fact that if you give your kid a hippy name, hippy life rules apply. And according to my hippy handbook, age and shit like that doesn’t matter. It’s all about free love baby. So really the Hagers have nobody to blame but themselves. And what’s the deal with signing the consent forms for her to get married? Listen, I don’t want to hear your sob story when you’re happily putting your daughter on waivers. If this was my kid she’d be locked in a closet until she was 50 years old. There is no way I’d let my daughter marry the high school cross country coach. The high school football coach, maybe, but certainly not the cross country coach.