Random Thoughts
1. ABC.com - A teenage girl's legs were severed above the ankle while on a thrill ride at a popular amusement park on Thursday, park officials said.
The accident happened around 4:45 p.m. on the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Goldberg.
The ride lifts passengers 177 feet straight up, then drops 154 feet, reaching a speed of 54 mph according to the park's Web site.
Yuck. Nothing funny to say about this story. But it does reaffirm why I don’t go on scary rides. I feel like only bad things can happen. Personally I’m always afraid that I’m going to puke and then choke on it and die. Didn’t that happen to somebody on the Turkish Twist at Canopy Lake Park? I don’t know whether that is an urban legend or not, but this has got to be the worst way to die even if it’s never happened. I mean it just doesn’t get any worse than choking on your own puke. Therefore when I’m at a carnival I stick to the squirt gun horse race game or the roller ball horse race game. Naturally I’m dominant at both.
2. TMZ.com - Rapper Foxy Brown was attacked by three female friends of her ex-boyfriend yesterday morning. Brown allegedly dumped Roshawn Anthony after finding out that he was a pimp. The angry ex then called the three attackers to beat up Brown. According to a police source in theDaily News, "they beat her bad. They ripped out her hair weave. Her hair was a mess -- and that seems to be what she cared about most."
I don’t know how to compete against this story. I mean how can I write something funnier than the actual story itself? I guess sometimes as a blogger you just need to tip your cap and move on. A story about Foxy Brown’s ex pimp boyfriend sending in 3 ho’s to fuck up her hair weave is like a 99mph fastball on the black. Totally unhittable.
3. Bostonherald.com - A monkey named Ayla will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before next Saturday’s game at Fenway Park[map]against Texas. It is part of the Helping Hands: Monkey Helpers for Disabled, Inc., outing at Fenway.
Huh? I don’t get it. A monkey? A real monkey? Listen I’m all for charity and shit like that, but can we at least get a human being out there? Is that too much to ask? How about one of the disabled kids? They got to have as good a fastball as a monkey right? This has to be a Lucchino special.
4. ESPN.com - The Hagers are trying to figure out how life went off track for their teenage daughter, Windy. They envisioned that life for the good student and promising athlete would be filled with dreams of the prom and college, but that all changed this week when Windy, 16, married her high school track coach. "Signing those consent forms was the hardest thing I did in my whole life, but we had to move on, it was going to kill us all," Dennis (her father) said.
Can I take a stab at when things went off track for the Hagers? It was the second they named their kid “Windy”. After all, it’s a well known fact that if you give your kid a hippy name, hippy life rules apply. And according to my hippy handbook, age and shit like that doesn’t matter. It’s all about free love baby. So really the Hagers have nobody to blame but themselves. And what’s the deal with signing the consent forms for her to get married? Listen, I don’t want to hear your sob story when you’re happily putting your daughter on waivers. If this was my kid she’d be locked in a closet until she was 50 years old. There is no way I’d let my daughter marry the high school cross country coach. The high school football coach, maybe, but certainly not the cross country coach.
5. Boston.com - Though some think of it as a mundane and necessary cornerstone of modern communication, Mayor Thomas M. Menino banned voicemail more than 10 years ago after suffering through a lengthy recording when he called a city department. He was so irritated that he issued an edict that he still personally enforces with a special vehemence. Menino has been known to sniff out clandestine voice mail and leave indignant messages."I don't think anyone thinks it's a good idea but him," said one official, who regularly uses voice mail and declined to be named for fear of retribution.
Are you kidding me? The City of Boston doesn’t use voicemail? How is that even possible? I’m pretty sure you could call the Zimbabwe City Hall and leave a message, but you can’t do it here. And I wonder what happens when Menino breaks up an underground voicemail ring? What is the retribution? I bet he throws the violators in the city dump with my newsracks and the wild cats. The only comparison I can make to this story is my dad banning using attachments on email. I’ve literally spent hours on the phone trying to walk him through how to attach a word document and he just gets so frustrated that he’s banned using it. So now he just faxes me everything. It’s a gigantic pain in the ass. And to be honest I’m not 100% sure he even realizes what the difference is.
As a side note, I wonder what the record is for somebody staying on the phone and letting it ring thinking that the voicemail eventually was going to pick up. I mean it wouldn’t even cross my mind that somebody I was calling didn’t have voicemail. I’d stay on the phone for like 20 rings.
6. TACOMA, Wash. -- A Pierce County woman apparently tied a record for the amount of alcohol in her blood when the Washington State Patrol toxicology lab measured a blood-alcohol content of 0.50 two hours after she was arrested for investigation of drunken driving.
0.50.... 0.50! Obviously this woman was a cougar. I could've told you that just by reading the headline. I mean it's obvious what happened here... the woman was driving around in her Subaru wagon cranking "Magic Man" out the windows after having a few pops at the local tavern. But 0.50 is still ridiculous. It must have been the live version. It's just too bad she couldn't have had that "one last beer" to break the record.
And as a side note, last Saturday afternoon at an Irish bar down in Newport I personally witnessed a cougar pound 2 shots of Goldschlagger during what she claimed was her half-hour break from work. It was impressive to say the least. She also claimed to have been an ex-Patriot cheerleader.... in 1985.
7. Boston.com - A measure by Stephen J. Murphy proposes that the city require -- or at least encourage -- bars to make available thin plastic membranes, about the size of a coaster, that are designed to seal the mouth of a glass. The aim is to deter predators looking to put drugs into the drinks of intended victims. Proponents add that the devices also prevent spills during nightclub dancing.
Another day, another proposed bar law. This one is just silly...A lid for my drink? "Thin plastic membranes?" Is Stephen Murphy insane? First of all the possibility of getting roofied is just part of the deal when going to a bar. It's like taking away peanuts at a baseball game. You just can't do it. Also imagine the arrogance of the chicks that choose to use a lid on their cup? Basically what they're saying is that they think they're so hot that you have no chance to hook up with them unless you roofie them. I think that's being a little presumptuous don't you? The good news is that you'll know what chicks have low self esteem by those who choose not to protect their drink. It should be like taking candy from a baby at that point.
8. Bostonherald.com - Urban mechanic Mayor Thomas Menino has turned urban plumber, demanding that parks workers get city fountains and spray pools working after Herald spot-checks found them bone-dry and rusted. Proclaiming himself a “nut for fountains,” the mayor told parks officials he wants water flowing to the facilities by next Wednesday.
Hmm, who knew Menino was a "nut for fountains”? Got to love how this has become the #1 priority in Boston. People are getting stabbed to death at the 6House and all the Mayor cares about is getting the fountains flowing by sundown. The good news is that maybe this will take his mind off my news racks for a couple weeks.
9. Boston.com - Relentless undertows, stinging jellyfish -- the beach can be a dangerous place. Now aHarvardmedical resident wants sunbathers to pay attention to yet another threat: collapsing sand holes that he says have killed dozens of young people in the past two decades, several of them in New England. The victim, usually a boy, remains submerged for several minutes as bystanders panic and rescuers, afraid to use a shovel because they might hit the person, struggle to reach them by hand.
Now I’m not a monster. I don’t like making fun of people dying and shit like that. But sorry if I’m not shaking in my boots about getting killed in a freak sand castle accident. Yeah, I know males are more susceptible to this disease, but I refuse to be intimidated. Bottom-line is I’m not changing my beach behavior for anything or anybody. If that means I die by falling into a former sand castle hole than so be it. You live by the sword you die by the sword.
10. COLUMBIA, S.C. --Police on Wednesday were investigating how a naked couple fell 50 feet from the roof of a downtown office building to their deaths. Clothing was discovered on the roof, leading authorities to suspect the man and woman, in their early 20s, may have been having sex. Their identities were not released.
Let this be a lesson to all the kids out there. If you're going to bring your girlfriend up to the roof of a downtown building to boink her senseless, don't be foolish. If possible, use the middle of the roof. If you have to lean her over the side railing, remember to hold onto something. Or keep your pants down around your legs and loop your belt around a flag pole, a TV cable or a phone line. Remember: Friends don't let friends plummet to their death in the middle of fifth story outdoor intercourse. Thank you, and "Happy Boning" from your friends at Barstool Sports."
11. BEIJING - A Chinese company that once tried to sell land on the Moon has lost an appeal against a court ruling that stopped it from selling bags of "World Cup air," state media reported Wednesday.
Xinhua News Agency said that Beijing Lunar Village Aeronautics Science and Technology Co. lost a suit against the Beijing Administration for Industry and Commerce, which refused its application to sell "special air from a special place."
Well cross another potential money making idea of El Presidente’s list. The Stool had a big company meeting last week trying to figure out ways to increase revenue and the best idea we came up with was to sell bags of Astrovan Air. Yup, we were going to fill zip lock lunch bags with real air from my Astrovan. And the beauty is we were only going to charge 10 bucks per bag. That’s 5 dollars cheaper than a Barstool hat. But if the Chinese can’t even sell World Cup air, what are the odds that Menino would let me sell Astrovan air? Slim to none. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Maybe it’s time to raffle off lunches with all the members of the Stool on Ebay, Curb Your Enthusiasm style.
12. BERLIN (Reuters) - A 16-year-old Berlin student was so worried he would have to repeat a year at school because of poor marks he convinced two friends to storm his class and steal the report cards with his bad grades. The youth sat quietly at the back of the classroom as the two masked robbers, aged 14 and 15, burst in and threatened his teacher with a steel bar if she did not hand over the reports.
After grabbing them, the two tried to flee but dropped the reports as other students leapt to defend the teacher. The two were arrested close to the school, and told police their friend had devised the raid because he was afraid of flunking a year.
I got to get this mastermind to come work for the Stool. I mean I can’t even convince Manzo to do more than two blogs a week and this dude has his buddies breaking into his classroom to try and steal report cards. No doubt there was hell to pay when the two kids squealed to the cops. Rule #1 of stealing report cards is you don’t rat when you get caught.
13. WICHITA, Kan., June 17 - An 18-year-old Kansas man was arrested over the weekend for allegedly shooting his friend on a dare.
Police said the incident began when the 17-year-old friend taunted the 18-year-old with a gun, saying the 18-year-old would not shoot him, The Wichita Eagle reported.
The 18-year-old then shot his friend in the thigh, police said.
Why the fuck was this kid arrested? If you ask me it would have been a crime if he didn’t shoot him. I mean if your buddy starts daring you to shoot him and then taunting you that you’re afraid to shoot him you have no choice but to pop a cap in his ass. And it’s not like he shot him in the face or anything. It was just a little flesh wound.
Listen there is only one way to get any credibility in life and that’s to go out and grab it. And nothing says you mean business like shooting your buddy in the thigh because he says you’re too chickenshit to do it. This reminds me of when I was twelve and my buddy (now assistant GM of the Diamondbacks) took my baseball cards and started dropping them in the street. I told him that if he dropped another card I’d smash him in the elbow with a baseball bat. Well he decided to test me and needless to say I tried to break his arm.
Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do. And this little lesson probably was a spring board for him to get where he is today. He learned a valuable lesson in life and that is you don't bluff people who will call your bluff.
14. (WCCO) A middle school teacher in Prescott, Wis. has been fired and the Pierce County Sheriff is investigating claims she had sex with a 13-year-old student. "It's just shocking to hit Prescott like this," said Tom Riley a Prescott resident. The 38-year-old woman was a substitute at Prescott Middle School. The student's father said he found the two having a middle of the night rendezvous together at the teacher's home after the boy stole his mother's car. Sources said the woman's husband and 13-year-old daughter were home at the time. Zach Simones, who coached the 13-year-old boy on the seventh grade football team, said he is sickened by the incident.” He was dating the lady's 13-year-old daughter before this happened," said Simones.
First of all why is it shocking that a teacher sex story hit the town of Prescott? If we’ve learned anything over the years it’s that a teacher sex story can strike at anytime any place. It’s doesn’t care about race, religion or creed. It’s kind of like a natural disaster except in a good way. Regardless, I got to give the 13 year old kid in this story mad props. He totally stole the show. I mean first he was nailing the daughter and then he moves on to the mom? That’s some serious shit. Not to mention the fact he stole his old man’s car so he could get laid. Honestly, who does he think he is? Kelly Leak or something?
15. BBC - Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard. She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard". He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain." The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it. She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.
In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.
She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."
I’m sorry Amanda, but I’m not buying that you’re not a violent person. Sure ripping somebody’s nuts off can happen to the best of us. But you crossed the line when you tried to eat it. That’s the tell tale sign of a violent person. I mean you got to draw the line somewhere and for me it’s trying to swallow somebody’s nuts.
Also what was the deal with the friend in the room? You’d think he or she could have intervened a little bit quicker right? Talk about a day late and a dollar shirt. As a rule when somebody is getting their balls ripped off it’s probably a good idea to try and help out.
16. Dailymail.co.uk - Ten years ago Ben Grocock told his mother that if she made him have an operation to remove his tonsils he would never speak again. And, after coming round from the anesthetic following surgery, the boy steadfastly stuck to his word - until now. Ben Grocock, now aged 13, has barely uttered a word throughout most of his life, following the promise he made when he was just three years old. For a decade he only communicated with his family, friends and teachers with scrawled notes and actions.
So let me get this straight. This kid decided that he was going to go on a speech strike at the age of 3? That’s impossible. I didn’t even know where my dick was at age 3 never mind worrying about making moral stands against my mother. But let me just say this. If this story is true and this kid stuck to his word for 10 years than he can work for me any day. I like people who don’t fuck around and this little bastard doesn’t fuck around.
17. I’m sure everybody has heard the news that the town of Middleboro is in negotiations to build a massive casino in their town. Did you hear that Manzo? I repeat. The town of Middleboro is in negotiations to build a humongous casino in their town! Now according to map quest Middleboro is 16.74 miles from Abington, MA. This my friends is a major problem. If this casino gets build 15 minutes from where I live I might as well just pack and move to Utah. (That’s where the Mormons live right?) I had a nice run in Boston though. I built a media empire and shit like that. But do I really want to live in a place where I legitimately have the option of watching Seinfeld or hitting the blackjack table for a couple hours. Because I know myself and I know what decision I’ll make. I’ll be at this new money pit at least 8 times a week and considering my lifetime record is 0-3432 at Foxwoods this is not something that I can afford to do. So I’m praying to the God of Little People that this Casino doesn’t get approved.
18. BurlingtonFreePress.com - There will be no valedictorian when Burlington High School's Class of 2007 graduates Friday. Burlington is the first public high school in the area to ditch the valedictorian tradition and the public student ranking that goes with it. The school made the change to reduce competition among students.
Ordinarily I’d rip this story to shreds. But I actually have no problem with it. People from Vermont aren’t designed to compete against each other. It’s just not in their blood. I think it goes against the hippy code or something. But the thing that scares me about this story is that I could see some nitwit superintendent from MA reading this story and thinking this is a good idea. No competition is fine and dandy in Maine and Vermont because those states don’t really count, but in MA we need to prepare our children to become the future captains of industry. Competition and separating the weak from the strong is essential to the future of mankind.