Random Thoughts
1. MEMPHIS, Tenn. (June 9) - John Daly told authorities his wife tried to stab him with a steak knife, and the golfer had red marks on his cheeks when he showed up to play Friday on the course where he lives. Daly is competing this week in the Stanford St. Jude Championship on a sponsor's exemption. He was tied for eighth after the first round in which he had a triple-bogey and rebounded with five straight birdies. He did not speak with reporters, but issued a statement saying he was the "victim of an assault by my wife." Daly met Sherrie at a golf tournament in 2001 and they married seven weeks later. Their son, John Patrick, was born a week before she and her parents were indicted in Mississippi on charges stemming from what authorities said was a drug ring and an illegal gambling operation.
Same old story. Boy meets girl. Boy gets married too fast. Girl’s family runs an illegal drug and gambling ring. Boy gets stabbed in the face with a steak knife. Listen if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. You don’t marry chicks you’ve only known for 7 weeks. And you especially don’t marry them when the family business is drugs and gambling.
Regardless, kudos to John Daly for keeping his composure and throwing up a solid first round at the St. Jude. Nice to know a little knife to the face action isn’t going to slow him down.
2. Is their a weirder profession in the entire world than Faneuil Hall Street Performer? I mean these guys are the creme de le creme of wack jobs. Wouldn’t you just love to follow one of these clowns (no pun intended) around for a week and see what they do when they’re not performing? I bet it’s some pretty wild and freaky stuff. Also why do old people love street performers? Is it because they’re all disoriented and just happy to be outside? Regardless, if I ever hit an age where I suddenly start enjoying Faneuil Hall Street Performers, I’d hope that somebody would shoot me in the brain immediately.
3. WHDH.com - BROOKLINE, Mass. -- A 19-year-old Brookline woman is in court on Wednesday for a pre-trial conference for allegedly offering "erotic massages" at the home where her mother operates a day care center. Vibeke Gonzalez advertised her services on the Web site Craigslist.com for $225 an hour, according to authorities.
You know what they say… What happens in Brookline stays in Brookline. 225 an hour huh? That’s pretty rough. I feel like there needs to be some international committee that determines the rates for erotic massages. I mean who is looking out for the consumer? Rates need to be based on the looks and skill of the masseuse. I feel like $225 is more than the hourly rate at Massage Plus in Montreal. At least that’s what I hear.
4. Now let me start this random thought by saying that I’m not the biggest Entourage fan ever to come walking down the pike. In fact, I think it’s pretty overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I watch it, but that’s only because it’s my job to be on top of pop culture. But I almost feel like lots of people watch the show just because they like the idea of watching the show rather than watching it because it’s good. They somehow they think it makes them in the "in crowd". Whether that’s true or not is really neither here nor there. The point of this random thought is that I’m dying to see Medellin. I mean I’m dying to see it! All this talk of a Pablo Escobar movie has me foaming at the mouth. Has Hollywood ever done a Pablo Escobar movie? As hard as it is to believe I couldn’t think of one. Sure, his character has made appearances or been referenced in almost every drug movie ever made, but has there ever been something that just focused on him? I don’t think so. Now supposedly “Killing Pablo” which is based on one of the 3 books I’ve read in my lifetime is scheduled to come out in 2009. (The other two books are Sphere and Jimmy Buffet’s A Salty Piece of Land) But just like Medellin, there are rumors that the Killing Pablo project has already been cancelled. Regardless, if you like Pablo Escobar I highly recommend reading the book because it’s awesome. And if Killing Pablo doesn’t make it to the big screen I may try and pull a Vince and buy the script myself. I wonder if they’d take Barstool Sports and Manzo as slave labor straight up for the rights to Killing Pablo?
5. I bought a pack of Mike and Ike’s yesterday and it came in a Skittles type looking package. What the fuck is this all about? Listen, Mike and Ike’s should only come from a box or out of a sweaty vending machine and that’s it. None of this plastic bag shit. Somewhere all the Mike and Ike purists are cringing. Anyway, not surprisingly there was only 1 red in the entire package (I swear to god), but I have nobody to blame but myself for selling out and buying them in the first place.
6. Talk about a rough start for Roger Goodell? First he's got the whole PacMan "Make It Rain" Jones thing, then he finds out Michael Vick is hosting "Rover (-3.5) v. Lassie" in his backyard, and now he's got the Steeler's offensive line coach, Larry Zierlein, emailing porno to the entire NFL. , "Boogie Nights" Zierlein offered this apology...
Foxsports.com: "It was 100 percent unintentional," Zierlein said. "I don't even know how to mass e-mail... I don't knowthese machines very good, it was just a 100 percent unintentional thing. Hit the wrong button... It's been a tough deal, but it's like anything else. You learn from it and you move on."
Zierlein did not explain why, when after he initially viewed the video he didn't delete it rather than attempting to e-mail to someone else.
"I'm not very good at these machines, and I hit the wrong button," Zierlein said. "There's nothing else to say, no other explanation."
Ohh the machines! The machines!! What is this, Terminator 2? Sorry pops, I know you're 61 years old here, but nobody is buying the ole "I hit the wrong button" excuse. Everybody knows you have 3 choices when somebody forwards you porn --- watch it, delete it, or forward it to the commissioner of the NFL. You chose option 3. And as a side note, if this guy's really the Steeler's offensive line coach and he can't figure out "machines", what are they gonna do, draw up plays in the dirt? "Sorry guys, but this 'television thingy' is just a weee bit over my head."
7. Well it's official - this year's Spelling Bee champ has just been crowned. 13 year old California math whiz, Evan O'Dorney, took home the title last week after correctly spelling the word "serrefine" (never heard of it) in the final round. He then received this awkward bear hug from his mom.mA lot of people don't know this - but I was once a spelling bee champ myself. That's right! In 4th grade I won the school title as the heavy 3-5 favorite and advanced to the Town Finals where I took on the winners/chick magnets from the 7 other schools. After cruising through the first 5-6 words, I found myself heads-up for the championship where I infamously stumbled on the word "celery”. For whatever reason, I drew a complete blank. After pausing for like 30 seconds, I actually asked to hear it in a sentence. "Um, I had a piece of celery today for lunch" was the response from the teacher. Anyway, I fucking butchered it. "C-e-l-l-a-r-i-e" was how I spelled it. Not even close. Next kid goes up and nails it, I walk-off scarred for life, next thing I know I get a job with The Stool. Funny how life works out...
8. The Stool had a promo last week and after it was over I went to McFadden’s and Josh Beckett was there. I was still hanging out with a couple of the Barstool Girls who did the promo with us and debated trying to get a picture of them with him. But here’s the thing. I felt bad setting him up like that. And then I felt bad that I felt bad about it. I mean I’m supposed to be a ruthless smut magazine peddler. I can’t be getting soft in my golden years. It’s my job to get pictures of athletes in compromising pictures. A shot of Beckett with the Barstool Girls (in barstool shirts I might add) draped all over him would have been pure gold. Not only would have the pics landed on www.barstoolsports.com, but they probably would have ended up splashed across all the sports blogs in America. And yet I just couldn’t pull the trigger. I felt like it was unfair to take a picture of him with the girls without him knowing what was going on. I mean it’s one thing if he’s grinding on the dance floor and I happened to walk in and see this, but it’s another to set the whole thing up. So here is the question for the Stoolies. Am I an idiot? Should I have made our girls go fondle his junk and then snap a photo without him knowing what happened? Or did I do the right thing by doing nothing?
And no it never occurred to me to tell him the reason why I wanted the photo. I think it’s safe to assume he would have preferred not to become blog fodder for the Stool.
9. Sports Illustrated's Faces in the Crowd has always been one of my favorite parts of the magazine. I always check Faces in the Crowd for massholes, hot chicks that are over 18, hot masshole chicks that are over 18 and myself. But typically it's just a collection of superstar high school athletes or 65-year old dudes that can powerlift a car which is fine with me. That's what I've come to expect from Faces in the Crowd- either future stars or never-were stars that do weird quasi-athletic stuff. But one selection in this week's Faces in the Crowd left me stunned- eight year old Tyler Scholz. This little guy may be all dimples and puppy dogs but you don't get into Faces in the Crowd just because you look like you should be on Nickelodeon. You're competing against the world; your achievement better be impressive. What did Tyler do to warrant mention in America's most venerable sporting magazine not named Barstool Sports? You better be sitting down because Tyler's achievement was so profound, so unbelievable that your heart may simply explode when you fully grasp the magnificence that is Tyler Scholz; Tyler, 8, twice accomplished one of baseball's rarest feats when he turned an unassisted triple play in consecutive games for the White Sharks of the Urbana Junior Hawks Baseball League. Once as a pitcher and once as a shortstop, Tyler caught line drives with the bases loaded and then tagged two runners.
Unassisted triple plays in consecutive games in Little League? That gets you into Sports Illustrated nowadays? What a load of crap. Go to any Little League game in America and you'll see an unassisted triple play. Outside of walks and poopy-pants, unassisted triple plays are the most common Little League play. In a Little League game featuring eight year olds, at least 85% of the players don't have the faintest clue as to what's going on. Each team usually has about three players that know the rules. All it takes for an unassisted triple play at that level is a blop line drive to one of the good kids. He catches the ball and tags the two clueless kids wandering around the base paths picking their noses. At least this means that I'll be in Faces in the Crowd soon. My rare sports achievement- I hit free throws in five consecutive high school basketball games. I better be on the f*cking cover for something that awesome.
10. Good news for the Superfans! The Humanitarian Bowl (BC’s home away from home) has a new sponsor. Goodbye MPC Computers, Hello Roady’s Truck Stops. Yup, Roady's Truck Stops who markets itself as the nation's largest chain of truck stops is the new title sponsor for BC next bowl game. Buy your tickets before it’s too late.Who says El Pres doesn’t have love the Superfans? But don't thank me. Thank Matt for sending me the link.
11. Some people may remember that just last week I wrote a random thought complaining about how Mayor Menino had blacklisted barstoolsports.com on the City’s free Wifi connection in Faneuil Hall. I also went on to pseudo threaten Menino that if he kept pushing my buttons I may run for Mayor against him in the next election. Well the response from City Hall was as swift as it was severe. Yesterday during my paper route the Astrovan got booted. A coincidence you say? My 10 unpaid parking tickets you say? I think not. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Menino put in the order from his Ivory Tower in Government Center. It was a show of strength on his part. I mean how else can you explain the fact that I was only out of the van for 1 minute dropping off papers and when I returned the boot was already there. It was almost as if they knew I was going to park in the commercial zone in front of the Purple Shamrock. Oh make no mistake about it, this was an inside job. I still haven’t ruled out that the boot people were actually hiding in all the papers in the back of the Astrovan the entire time I was doing my route just waiting to pounce when the opportunity presented itself. And pounce they did. Whatever the case may be I got the message loud and clear from City Hall. It’s time to stop hammering Mayor Menino. Some battles you just can’t win. FREEDOM……
As a side note, if you’re going to get the boot there is no better place than Faneuil Hall because you can just walk to City Hall and pay your tickets and they’ll come back and take the boot off without being towed. Although a part of me wanted to get towed because they take your car to the city dump which is where the city throws my newsracks. It could have been like a family reunion or something.
PS - The price of advertising in the Stool just went up.
12. Greg Oden's first endorsement- a $3 million deal to appear on a Topps basketball card with Bill Russell. If you're a hardcore Celtics fan and you see this card, I have to imagine that you are 80% more likely to go on a multi-state killing spree. At a minimum, upon seeing the Oden-Russell card, a hardcore Celtics fan is guaranteed to wet his pants, suckerpunch the nearest Mormon in no particular order. And that's the best case scenario.When does the Yi Jianlian-Larry Bird card come out?
13. TAUNTON, Mass. -- A local father is due in court Tuesday after unleashing an alleged verbal tirade at McDonald's in Taunton. Derek Lindsay, 34, and his child, were at the fast food restaurant's play area on Sunday, where clowns dressed as Ronald McDonald and Shrek were entertaining a group of kids. According to police, the outburst started when another man overheard Lindsay instructing his child to push other kids out of the way. The son followed his parent's advice, which led to a verbal confrontation. Lindsay began shouting and cursing and tried to incite a fight with the other dad.
This is simple common sense, people. You're in a McDonald's and cartoon characters come out of nowhere. It's not a situation for decorum or delicacy; it's an every man for himself, grab your balls and pray type of situation. Lindsay recognized that. Unfortunately for him, another dad didn't grasp the severity of the situation. Lindsay offered to explain to the angry dad why Lindsay, Jr. most deserved to be at the front of the line. And by "offered to explain" I mean he threatened to "break the guy's fucking jaw in front of his little pantywaist son." Lindsay ended up in jail for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. There's a lesson to be learned here for all fathers. Make sure that you talk to your kids before you get to the McDonald's about how to barge to the front of the line if a cartoon character is there. Don't rely on verbal commands. Think ahead and come up with some nonverbal signals like touching your nose or injecting yourself with some HGH. Planning ahead is half the battle.
14. PROSPECT, Maine (June 10) - Two brothers were killed in separate highway crashes in this coastal town just hours apart. Adrian Basford, 52, of Winterport, died Saturday afternoon when his motorcycle went out of control on U.S. 1A, crossed a driveway and struck an embankment. State police said Basford was traveling too fast while rounding a curve. His brother, Wallace Basford, 48, then died just before midnight in a single-vehicle crash on U.S. 1. His van failed to negotiate a left turn as he was coming off a bridge and slammed into a wall, the Waldo County Sheriff's Department said.
Doesn’t it seem like you read something similar to this once every couple years? It’s like a lunar eclipse or something. And without fail these type stories always seem to take place in Maine. It’s almost like a social contract you enter when you live in Maine. Sure the price of real estate may be cheaper but the odds of dying in some type of Ripley’s Believe It or Not fashion is twice as high.
15. TMZ.com - Now that she's no longer under the watchful eye of Donald Trump and the Miss USA Organization, Tara Conner has started surrounding herself with a more adult crowd -- like adult film star Tera Patrick!
Oh my god! Does this mean? Can this mean? Is Miss USA, Tara Conner headed straight to porn? (And yes I know Tara Conner is no longer Miss USA, but I don’t care. She’ll always be Miss USA to me) Anyway, I’m just going to let this session of random thoughts fade to black like the ending of the season finale of the Sopranos and let people create their own ending for this story.
