Random Thoughts
1. I’ve purposely been avoiding this whole Rosie O’Donnell vs. Elizabeth Hasselbeck fiasco that has been dominating the gossip pages the last couple weeks. I have no idea why anybody gives a flying fuck about what either of these people say. I mean Rosie is clearly deranged and Elizabeth Hasselbeck is from Survivor. The only time I ever want to hear about Rosie O’Donnell is when Donald Trump is calling her fat, gross, and disgusting and the only time I want to hear about Hasselback is when she agrees to do Playboy. However having said all that, even I couldn’t ignore this latest twist in this saga. Apparently after their big blow out, Rosie’s chief writer was escorted out of ABC studios for drawing moustaches on pictures of Elizabeth Hasselbeck hanging in the building.
Whoa, the gloves have finally come off! Listen, there comes a point in every fight where somebody crosses the line and goes too far. Clearly this is that point. I mean drawing moustaches on people’s faces? What’s next? Giving people rabbit ears when they’re not looking? It just doesn’t get any nastier than this.
2. People.com - Sharon Stone put George Clooney on the auction block Wednesday for a good cause: AIDS research.
Clooney and his Ocean's Thirteen co-stars Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Andy Garcia and Ellen Barkin made a brief appearance at the annual Cinema Against AIDS dinner, which raised a record $7 million for the Foundation for AIDS Research (amfAR).
As Clooney and his castmates auctioned off a seven-day Mediterranean getaway on a private boat, Stone announced: "If you bid, one of these guys will come down and touch you. And you can choose which one."
But the choice was clear. With flourish – and on stage – Clooney promptly kissed the lucky girlfriend of the winning bidder, who'd ponied up $350,000.
So let me get this straight. Some dude bid $350,000 dollars for a seven day Mediterranean cruise and as a thank you, George Clooney sticks his tongue down the guy's girlfriend’s throat. Hmm, this seems like an odd way to say thank you, right? As a rule I try not to hit women, but if that was the First Lady I’d definitely shake the shit out of her. (Yes, I know that’s a Chris Rock reference) I mean you drop $350,000 on a vacation and two seconds later your girlfriend is swapping spit with Clooney? No thanks. I’d never allow this to happen unless it was Justin Timberlake or Rob from Rob and Big, because The First Lady and I have an agreement she can hookup with those two guys if the opportunity ever presents itself. In exchange I can hook up with Kristin Kreuk, Jessica Biel and the Barstool Girls. (I may have thrown that last one in there on my own)
3. I just got back a few days ago from another cliché Vegas weekend -- drop two grand the first night, call bank to override ATM limit, eat steak, fall in love with stripper, go home. We've all been there. Anyway, one of the things that just came back to me today was a new strip club technique that I, as well as others, experienced Saturday night for the very first time. The new technique -- the girls in Vegas now grab your junk while you're walking around the nudie bar.
That's right, I was just standing there taking in the action on the "main stage" when all of sudden, whoop!, some 6 foot tall blond named "Colorado" grabbed my junk like it was hers and asked me if I wanted a lapdance. "Well that's a new one", I said. And I must admit, the technique was very, very persuasive. So much so I think ALL girls should try it whether they're working at a strip club or not. Regular bar, grocery store, work cafeteria. Just go easy.
Anyway, is this a new technique? And how did it come about? Did one girl pull a "Rosa Parks" and everybody else just copied her? And more importantly, did The Stool just break yet another life-changing story??
4. I’m sure people have already talked about this, but I need to address the Red Sox radio broadcast situation. I, just like everybody else in Boston, was bullshit when Jerry Trupiano was fired by the one-eyed bandit, Larry Lucchino. Personally, I think this was one of the most underrated stories of the past decade. I have no idea why Trupiano was fired and more importantly I have no idea how Lucchino got away with it. One of my biggest regrets in life is that the Stool didn’t organize the million man march to go from Abington to Yawkey Way in protest of this move, but that ship has already sailed. And to be honest I would never be bringing this issue back up if Dave O’Brien called all 162 games this year. Because as much as I miss Trupiano, I love listening to O’Brien. But the problem is that lots of times O’Brien has prior commitments with ESPN and we’re left with Glenn Geffner. Now I’m sure Glenn Geffner is a nice guy, but he is arguably the worst announcer I’ve ever heard in my life. Whenever he is calling a game, I flat out can’t listen to it. It sounds like some Division III college game. I’d rather listen to John Hoffman who used to call my high school baseball games for Time Warner Cable than Glenn Geffner. And for people who have no idea who John Hoffman is trust me when I say these are fighting words. Honestly, how did Glenn Geffner get this job? This has to be one of the most mystifying decisions of all time. Somewhere the one eyed bandit is laughing.
5. FALLBROOK, Calif. - A golfer died Tuesday after his golf cart plunged 75 feet off a cliff and crashed onto a road below, authorities said.
The 65-year-old man teed off with three friends on the second hole of the Pala Mesa Resort Golf Course about 50 miles north of San Diego at around 10 a.m. and then got into his cart.
The vehicle veered off the concrete pathway, traveled down a 25-foot embankment and went over the edge of the cliff, California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Kerns said.
The victim, a recently retired real estate agent from Irvine, was ejected shortly before the cart hit the road beneath the cliff and died on impact, Kerns said. His name was not immediately released.
This is why my employer gets the bare minimum effort from me every day. Why I'll do exactly what's required of me and not one atomic particle more. I mean, look at this poor bastard. He labors his whole life, probably came in on his day off, showed up for work even when he was sick, stayed late, missed some of his kid's ballgames just so when he hit 65 he could kick back with his buddies and play a little pasture pool, relax, have fun and enjoy the fruits of his labors. And what happens? He doesn't last a year before he's plummeting to a horrible 75 foot E-Z-Go death. I seriously doubt his dying thought was "Dammit, I wish I'd spent more time pushing development properties..."
And you just know in his eulogy they're going to talk about how he died doing the thing he loved best, because that's the kind of things they say in eulogies to make themselves feel better. When in reality, the hapless SOB died knowing his buddies would, in their private moments, laugh their asses off that he died in such morbidly ridiculous fashion. I know my friends would, which is why I intend to outlive all of them, just so they won't get the chance to tool on me after I'm gone.
6. Dlisted.com - In the early 80s Mick Jaggerreally hated his small dick and used a traditional Amazonian ritual to help it grow. Director Julien Templewitnessed the ritual when filming a documentary on Mick.
He said, "It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo. Mick spent months in the jungle in Peru. He was going mad out there I think."
This may be the craziest story we’ve ever posted on barstoolsports.com. It’s so insane that it almost overshadows the fact that it makes no sense either. I mean let’s say that everything goes as planned and the bees go to town on your junk and make your dick swell to the size of the bamboo. Then what? Do you need to have sex immediately? And if so how are you in any condition to fuck after a pack of hornets just went ape shit on your junk? I’m guessing you need to wait until the swelling goes down until you can use your equipment again. But wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose of the thing in the first place?
Regardless, Mick Jagger is one crazy mofo. And this officially seals the deal that size matters. I mean I’ve got to assume that Mick Jagger has been with a ton of women and isn’t going to go through this type of shit if he wasn’t 100% positive it mattered.
7. I took my family to Disney World last week. Now this isn't my first rodeo, so I knew going in that a Disney trip, while fun as hell, isn't to be enjoyed; it's to be endured. You don't go there to relax; you go there to beat the crowds. To outwit, outplay, outlast. You have to do your research, have a gameplan, and be smarter than everyone else. You need to hit the rides before the lines get long, then be exiting the park while all the clueless tourists from Piscataway are waddling in, wondering why there's a 45 minute wait for "Peter Pan's Flight." On a Disney vacation, You Play To Win The Game.
And as much as the pervasive happiness of the place and the unrelenting friendliness of the Disney employees rubs off on you, eventually all the planning, all the running around and all the logistical brainwork wears out your patience and inner Masshole comes out. With me, it came by Day 3. And it came in the form of hating the handicapped.
Not the real handicapped, of course. I'm talking about the phony baloney fat handicapped. The handifat.
The Disney transportation system is a marvel. They have complimentary bus service from anywhere to anywhere else. They operate according to need so you never need to wait more than 15 minutes, even in the hugest crowds. We probably averaged six bus trips a day, and of those six easily five of them required us to stand there for ten minutes in the broiling Florida sun while the bus driver had to load some Whopper-addicted lardass on the bus with the handicap elevator.
This by no means is a rank on legitimately impaired people. If you're elderly and outlived the use of your legs, more power to you. If you're some kid in Forrest Gump leg braces, you're in my prayers. If you're some disabled veteran, me and my kids thank you everyday for our very lives. But if you're just some handifat, tooling around in a power cart because your ass is two axehandles wide, than you owe me a substantial portion of a very expensive vacation.
I'm on record as admitting I'm partial to fat guys. But when I rule the world (and trust me, it won't be long now), the days of them being treated like legitimately sick people are over. Walk it off, Tubby. Then your next salad is on me.
8. Page 6 - May 20, 2007 -- IT'S hard out there for a professional athlete who gets no attention from the usually man-hungry ladies at Clifton, N.J., nightspot The Bliss Club. Sources say New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burressinsulted female patrons there and "left the club without paying his $2,000 tab."
It seemed that Burress was upset Wednesday night because "no women were paying any attention to him."
The NFLer, recently praised in the press for attending voluntary workouts during the Giants' off-season, was also snubbing male fans at the club. Spies said he refused to sign the jersey of one who raced home to retrieve it when he learned Burress was there, hoping to get an autograph.
No offense but I’d be bullshit if I was Plaxico too. I mean if you’re an NFL football player and you go to a nightclub and start tossing around all sorts of cash and the ladies don’t even give you a look than you deserve….wait a minute. Did I just read that some dude ran back home and got his Plaxico Burress jersey from his house and brought it back to the club to get it signed? Are you serious? That guy has to be the biggest loser on the face of the planet. Honestly who does that? I wish Plaxico pissed on the shirt when the guy went to get it signed. Maybe that would have been the wake up call this guy needed to salvage his life.
9. CANBERRA (Reuters) - A nude car wash offering an X-rated sideshow and topless cleaning in Australia's tropical Queensland state has been given the all-clear after police and officials said they were powerless to scrub it.
The Bubbles 'n' Babes car wash in Brisbane prompted a flood of complaints with a topless car wash for A$55 ($45) and a nude car wash with X-rated lap-dance service for A$100. "If it was approved for a car wash then I can't imagine how we can stop them," Lord Mayor Campbell Newman told a council meeting with worried local lawmakers.
I love the Lord Mayor’s quote here. “If it was approved for a car wash then I can’t imagine how we can stop them.” I mean come on dude, you’re the Lord Mayor! This makes it sound like car wash’s are a sovereign state in Australia. You could rape and pillage people and the government would be helpless to do anything because nobody can interfere with what happens at a licensed car wash.
As a side note, this is a brilliant idea. 100 bucks for a lap dance and nude car wash. Sign me up.
10. Britney Spears posted this cryptic letter on her official website this morning;
The reason for this letter is to let everyone know that their prayers have truly helped me. I am so blessed that you care enough about me to be concerned and will continue to live in this brighter state with all of you by my side during this trying time. We are all lights of the world and we all need to continuously inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers.
Godspeed.
Love, Britney
To be honest, I’ve read this 16 times and I still can’t tell whether this is a suicide letter or a happy letter. Regardless, I’ve got to give Britney props for using “Godspeed” at the end of it. I don’t know why but that’s one of my favorite ways to sign a letter. I’m going to use it on all my emails for the rest of the month.
Godspeed
El Pres
11. Inside Track - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKEandJessica Bielwere bringing SexyBack to Manchester, England this week when the pop star and actress met for a late-night makeout session. “They were kissing and holding hands,” a spy dished to Us Weekly. The two had their PDA following Timberlake’s show in a hotel bar then repaired to the presidential suite. Timberlake and Biel have been linked since the 26-year-old singer split from longtime girlfriendCameron Diazlast fall. But a pal of the “The Illusionist” star insists their relationship is nothing more than a fling. “Jessica has said there is nothing romantic,” the friend said.
Ok, so let me make sure I understand this correctly. Both Timberlake and Biel admit that they are hooking up, but both say it’s nothing romantic. So in other words they’re just fuck buddies.
I admit it. I totally sweat Justin Timberlake.
12. I don’t even know what to say about this; I’m still kind of in shock. Last night at an undisclosed cheesy Boston bar, I saw a man dressed up in none other than a Bam Bam Bigelow jersey. At first I thought it was just me who noticed, but within 5 minutes it seemed like all the entire bar was talking about was “the dude in the Bigelow jersey”. Even more shocking - he was with a chick. Who was kind of hot.
But why was the fuck was he wearing the jersey? The only thing I could come up with was that Bigelow died over the winter and this guy was paying some kind of tribute to the man whose finishing move was the “Greetings from Asbury Park”. But could that really be it? Listen, I’ve never claimed to be any type of fashion expert, but I can’t possibly imagine the Bam Bam Bigelow “Fire Jersey” making a comeback here in the summer of '07. Although granted, this wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong.
13. MSNBC - A man caught removing tires from a truck has been charged with stealing the tractor-trailer containing $250,000 worth of Skittles, police said.
Seven pallets of the 28 in the truck are still missing, authorities said. Alan Chavez, 22, has been charged with first-degree felony theft. It was unclear Monday whether he had a lawyer.
Chavez said he had paid someone else $500 for the truck’s rims and tires, police said. The truck has an estimated value of $85,000, and the trailer’s value is $30,000.
I’m totally confused by this story. How can the Skittles be worth double the price of a tractor trailer? I mean how much does a pack of Skittles cost to make? 10 cents? According to my math, that means there were like a bazillion packs of Skittles in the truck. And who do you sell the Skittles to once you steal them? Is there a black market for Skittles that I don’t know about? I mean even if this guy owned his own candy store he’d have to kidnap an entire neighborhood of kids and force them to buy only Skittles for like four years straight to come close to reaching 250,000 grand. Unless he marked them up to 20 bucks a pack, but what kid can afford that? This reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons when Homer stole the sugar truck. In theory it’s a good idea, but in reality it just doesn’t work.
14. So I’m doing my paper route yesterday, minding my own business when I notice a guy in Downtown Crossing take the front copy out of a news rack that I just filled two seconds beforehand and promptly throw it in the trash. So naturally I run up behind the guy and ask him what the hell he is doing. When I reach him and see his face I realize that he had to be 102 years old if he was a day. I mean he was ancient. Anyway, his age didn’t stop me from trying to get in his face and intimidate him as I kept grilling him on why he just vandalized my news rack. I think I may have even bumped the old geezer a couple times. Finally the old dude musters all his strength and tells me that he already read that issue. Huh? How could this be true since I just started my paper route an hour before this incident? He had to be lying right? But since when did the elderly start fucking with news racks? Something just isn’t adding up here? Regardless, should I feel bad trying to muscle and intimidate somebody who could die at any moment?