Random Thoughts

1. ContactMusic.com - Hollywood heartthrob PATRICK SWAYZE is ready to don his wetsuit again - he will reprise his surfboarding gang boss role in a POINT BREAK sequel.

Wait a minute!   If Bodhi is in Point Break II that obviously means he survived the 50 year storm at Bell's Beach!  Either that or he paddled to New Zealand.  I knew Johnny Utah shouldn’t have let him swim away.    Vaya con Dios, Brah.

2.  So I'm hanging out with a bunch of my college friends at the bar in the Seaport Hotel. Everyone is in town for our buddy's wedding and we're having some drinks before the rehearsal dinner. When Dan Shaughnessy walks in with two guys. Dan scans the room and heads straight for a small table under the bar's TV. Dan talks to a Seaport staffer who hustles off to find the remote control. Shaughnessy positions a chair directly in front of the television. The staff member returns quickly and per Dan's instructions changes the channel and blasts the volume.  So Dan could watch himself on NESN's Boston Globe Sportsplus.

3. LOWELL ( FOX25, myfoxboston.com)  --  A Lowell substitute teacher is accused of making a list of students to have sex with. The accusation is that he kept a detailed journal of hundreds of students in the Lowell area, describing what he wanted to do with them -- sexually.

Dude, who hasn’t made a bang list before?   I bet 99% of office buildings in downtown Boston have bang lists circulating around the building.  I mean what else is there to do all day when you’re sitting in a cube besides talking about what co-workers you’d like to fuck the most.    The problem this guy had besides the fact it’s High School is that he wrote what he wants to do to each girl.    That’s just getting sloppy.   If it was just a list of names the teacher could always say it was a list of girls he thought needed help with math.   

As a side note, do you sneaky thing that girls who weren’t on the bang list were insulted?  I’m guessing yes.   Everybody wants to be told they’re desirable even if it’s from the creepy substitute teacher with the bang list.

4. FRAMINGHAM, Mass. -- Several female students at Framingham State College are accused of stealing about one-thousand copies of the student newspaper, apparently because they thought they looked fat in a front page picture.

A school official says the women face possible disciplinary action.

The color photo in "The Gatepost" shows seven female students at a women's lacrosse game wearing tank tops and shorts with the name of a player spelled out on their bare bellies.

Soon after the paper was distributed around campus, about half its two-thousand-copy press run disappeared.

Okay here is my first question.    Can you steal a free newspaper?   I’m guessing the Framingham State College newspaper is free right?   Because if you can sue people for stealing free newspapers than El Pres may have just found a new revenue stream.   

Anyway, who do these girls think they are? You can't wear belly shirts and than cry that you look fat! And let's not play dumb here either. No chick would be caught dead in that outfit if she really believed she was chunky. But being the humanitarian that I am, I say let’s give them the benefit of the doubt.    If they want to hit the gym and peel off those shorts, I’ll happily put them on the cover of the Stool to redeem themselves.    

5. WHDH - There was a disturbance during opening night for the Boston Pops. Boston police confirmed Wednesday night that two people had to be escorted out of the concert. We're told by those inside that a fight broke out on the balcony over some kind of seat issue. It got so bad that ushers called for police and two people were told to leave.

A fight broke out at the Boston Pops?    Are you fucking serious?   Maybe I could understand if it was at the Esplanade on the 4^th of July, but not at Symphony Hall.   And it got so bad that the ushers had to call the cops?   What did somebody throw tea in somebody’s face or something?   Has anybody ever seen a fight at a weirder venue than this?

6. NEW BRITAIN, Conn. — A man died while trying to outdo a rival with an acrobatic move while "battle dancing," police said. Robert Stitt, 48, and his rival were competing in a parking lot Monday night when he tried a forward flip and landed on his head."It was just two guys dancing. Everybody was laughing," Stitt's friend John Boxley said. Boxley said James Brown was on the radio and Stitt wanted to outdo a rival dancer, who had flipped in the air. Police said the victim went into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead a short time at a local hospital. Police said several people were in the parking lot drinking and battle dancing — a competition in which each dancer tries one-upmanship with unique moves.

Obviously this story is a tragedy.  But at least Robert Stitt will be remembered for letting it all hang out in his last battle dance.  I mean it takes some serious balls for a 48 year old man to try and pull out the forward flip.    Unfortunately it didn’t work out for him, but I’m sure he knew the risk involved.   Battle Dancers are a lot like NASCAR drivers.   They’re always pushing the limits because it’s in their blood and it’s what makes them special. So when you’re out at the bar or club this weekend do me a favor and tip a 40 and bust a move for Robert Stitt.

7. LOUISVILLE, Ky. —  The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville said he asked OJ Simpson to leave his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby because he is sickened by the attention Simpson still attracts.

Let this serve as a nice moral of the OJ story: Crime doesn't pay. Sure you might be idle rich, still living off your NFL pension and all the other money you've managed to keep hidden away from the Goldman’s, golfing five days a week and hobnobbing around Churchill Downs on Derby Weekend, but try to order a T-bone at Jeff Ruby's place and you'll feel the cold sting of swift justice.

So this is the punishment for double homicide? It reminds me of an article SI did a while back about OJ's life today. It said that before the murders, he'd pull into the Bel Air Country Club, the valet would be washing his car while he'd play this pristine course with CEOs, and afterwards hot women would be hitting on him at the bar. Now, they said he's got to go to some crappy municipal course, the parking lot full of shitboxes, no one wants to play with him, and women in the bar won't talk to him. My first reaction: Great. Serves him right, the murdering bastard. My second reaction: Wait. That's MY life. Actually, that's a good weekend for me. I plan vacations that sound like that. So kill two people in the state of California and be sentenced to a lifetime of living like me. Let that be a lesson to you all.

8. LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who went on a wild spending spree after doctors said he only had a short time to live wants compensation because the diagnosis was wrong and he is now healthy -- but broke.

John Brandrick, 62, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two years ago and told that he would probably die within a year.

He quit his job, sold or gave away nearly all his possessions, stopped paying his mortgage and spent his savings dining out and going on holiday.

Brandrick was left with little more than the black suit, white shirt and red tie that he had planned to be buried in when it emerged a year later that his suspected "tumor" was no more than a non-life threatening inflammation of the pancreas.

I feel for this guy.   I mean he did what anybody would do when they are given a death sentence.   They live.   Anyway, this brings up a great question.  What would be the #1 thing that you’d do if you were told you were going to die in a year?   Now obviously I’d love to say stuff like fuck Kristen Kreuk, but I know that’s never going to happen.  So the question is what would you really do that you could do?   I think the #1 thing for me would be to try and rob a bank.  I’ve always thought I could do it and this would be the perfect opportunity.  Worst case scenario is that I get caught and die in jail a few months later.   Best case scenario is that I’m successful and then I can party like an absolute animal for the remainder of my life.  Some other top choices would be to swim with a Great White Shark in Australia and make it rain at a strip club.

9. NEW YORK (AP) -- A New York Mets fan has filed suit, contending a drunken, 300-pound man fell on her during the home opener at Shea Stadium and broke her back.

Ellen Massey, a 58-year-old Manhattan lawyer, sued the team, the beer concession, the union that represents the security guards at the ballpark and "John Doe," the unidentified man who toppled on her.

Massey said that on April 9 she was in the second row of the right field upper deck near a "visibly intoxicated" man who was "acting in a rowdy, boisterous and dangerous manner for a long period of time."

The man, who has not been found or identified, later "fell upon plaintiff causing her to sustain severe personal injuries," court papers said.

This sounds like a scene right out of the Naked Gun.  Where is Enrico Palazzo when you need him?   More importantly, how do you not get the license plate number of the fat guy who fell on you and broke you?   I promise you that if I ever get squashed by a 300lb man at a baseball game, I’m going to get his name.    But I do kind of like this lady’s style.  When in doubt, just sue everybody.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Pedro ended up having to testify in this case.

As a side note, I had no idea you could sue unidentified people.   I’m totally going to sue all the punks who graffiti and break my news racks.   I wonder who pays if I win?   Maybe Menino?

10. The First Lady and I went out for a Dairy Queen last night.   Yes, DQ is one of the few good things about the South Shore.  I’m sure we have some DQ’s on the North Shore, but I never went to them until I moved to Abington.   Anyway, per usual the place was a mob scene.  If there is a bigger cross section of American Society than the Dairy Queen line I don’t know what it is.   I mean every time I go there, I see rednecks, thugs, pretty people, ugly people, skinny girls, fat girls, media moguls etc.  

But that’s not the point of this random thought.  Instead I have a question about tipping etiquette.    Every time I go to DQ I always tip the high school kid so he won’t spit in my ice cream.   But the problem is that he never sees me do it because once you pay he turns around and starts making your blizzard immediately.   So I sit there with my dollar and try to wait until he comes back before I put the dollar in his tip cup.  The First Lady always gets mad at me when I do this and says that I should just put the money in the tip cup and move on.   Essentially she doesn’t think it matters if the kid sees me give him the tip or not.   I’m not so sure I agree with her.   I feel like there is no point in tipping if the person being tipped doesn’t see it and doesn’t know who it is from.   It’s like saying thank you to somebody after they are out of earshot.  It doesn’t count.   My solution is that I think DQ needs to get little bells next to the tip cup so people can ring it when they leave a tip.  This way everybody knows exactly what is happening and the workers know exactly what ice creams they should be spitting in.

So what do people think?   Is there any point in tipping the DQ kid if he doesn’t know where it is from?    Or am I just crazy?

11. Dlisted - The News of the World has caughtLindsay Lohanin a cocaine binge last month. A friend of Blohan told the tabloid that she snorted 20 lines of coke that night. She also reportedly bragged"I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law."The friend also said she's addicted to sex and bragged about effingJames Blunt, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benecio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco.She admitted to messing around with Leonardo DiCaprio but didn't fuck him. "Last November she slept with Calum Best.  She didn’t tell me if he was any good but she is usually too wasted to know what is going on anyway."

Before I die I just want one chick to brag that she gets to fuck me tomorrow.  I don’t care if they’re drunk, high, ugly or whatever.   Is that too much to ask? As a side note, if I bumped into Lindsey Lohan at a bar I think I’d have a 35% chance of getting laid.  I’m serious.  I mean if you’re banging Benecio Del Toro that pretty much means you’ll bang anything that moves.

12. Inside Track - It’s “Lights, Camera, Idiots!” for HBO, which is making a six-part miniseries about the 2004 World ChampionRed Sox[ team stats], a dramatization of the storybook season that finally brought an end to Boston’s miserable 86-yearWorld Seriesdrought. Based on the Stephen King/Stewart O’Nanbook “Faithful: Two Diehard Boston Red Sox Fans Chronicle the Historic 2004 Season,” the miniseries will feature actors portraying real-life Red Sox heroes Johnny Damon, Curt Schilling[ stats], Theo Epstein, David Ortiz[stats], Kevin Millarand the rest of the merry band of Idiots.

“I think it’s a great story to do, a story that transcends sports,” producer and Sox co-ownerTom Wernertold the Track. “I think we can make a movie that is not just attractive to sports fans, but to people who don’t really follow baseball, and I think that will be good for baseball and good for the Red Sox too.” 

Six parts!    Are you shitting me?   This is what makes me hate the new ownership group.   They can never leave well enough alone.   First of all, I feel like you need to wait 20 years before you start making videos about championship seasons.  Everybody should be retired before a movie like this is made.   It seems pretty freaking lame to be making this movie 10 minutes after you won the thing and all the players are still active.   And do you really need to make this a miniseries?  Shouldn’t this be like a 1 hour documentary on HBO with real highlights and real players and real interviews?     This is just another dumb idea that makes people hate Red Sox fans and Red Sox fans hate Red Sox Fans.  Enough already.

13. Yesterday during day 2 of my paper route I ate at UBurger which is a new burger place in Kenmore Square.   I’d heard some good things about and had been meaning to get in there for a couple weeks now.    I’ve never been to an In N Out burger in California, but I think I read somewhere that this is supposed to be kind of similar to that.   Not sure if that is true or not, but I’d believe it.  The place has a trendy feel on the inside unlike every other burger joint in Boston.  You could have told me I was in LA and I wouldn’t have blinked an eyelash whatever that means.  Anyway, going in I was kind of expecting it to be a huge hunk of meat like what you’d get at Tim’s or RF O’Sullivans or any place that supposedly has great burgers.   But it reality it was more like a McDonalds burger in terms of size.    Obviously that’s where the McDonald’s comparison stops because it’s fresh meat and cooked to order and you can get all sorts of fresh toppings on it.  Overall, I thought it was a good burger and totally unique for Boston.  In fact, I can’t think of another place in the city that serves burgers similar to UBurger.   I feel like at most burger joints in Boston you can’t move after you eat, but here you can still feel somewhat normal.  Also a huge plus was that the onion rings were spectacular.  I’d go there just for that alone.  I’m pretty sure they must have stolen the recipe from Kelly’s because they tasted exactly like them only better.    So overall I’d recommend giving this place a whirl.  It wasn’t the best burger I’ve ever had, but it’s definitely worth the trip.   Also one of the owners was sweeping the floor when I was there which I always think is a good sign.  (the guy on the right)  I always like to see owners getting dirty. It makes me feel better about the product. I mean why do you think I do the paper route?

Final Score - 3 Stoolies (Not sure what this means since I've never handed out Stoolies like this before)

14. Boston.com --A Hillsboro mother found her daughter's missing winter coat on eBay, and now a teacher at the girl's elementary school faces charges of theft and computer crimes.

Elizabeth Logan, 41,is on paid administrative leave from Jackson Elementary. She denies stealing the coat, saying she got it from a lost-and-found, Cmdr. Chris Skinner said.

Logan's salary is nearly $69,000 a year, and she has taught 20 years at two elementary schools. She is to appear in court Friday.

Clearly Mrs. Logan has a liberal definition of lost and found.   Kids lose shit and she finds it.   But I’m pretty sure that admitting you took the jacket from lost and found is almost as bad as just saying you mugged the kid and took the jacket.  This teacher must have a gambling problem right?  How else can you explain this story?    And since when do teachers in Oregon make 69,000 grand a year?   That’s like the equivalent of making 2 billion dollars in Boston.

15. Page 6 - May 1, 2007 -- GISELE Bundchenno longer wears Victoria's Secret. The Brazilian mannequin is giving up her wings as lead angel for the lingerie giant because it wouldn't up her $5 million-a-year salary. Her sister,Patricia Bundchen, confirmed to Brazilian Web site Glamurana that contract talks had broken off. "Her demands were outrageous. She got a new lawyer who was unrealistic," said a source. "Victoria's Secret doesn't care. They have five new hotter, younger girls debuting next year. And they won't have to deal with any craziness."

I got to admit that this story is a little bit surprising to me.   It just doesn’t seem like Tom Brady would date a chick that makes outrageous contract demands.   I mean we’re talking about the ultimate team player here.  But maybe this is the classic case of opposites attracting.  Or maybe Brady could care less about Gisele’s personality and is just in it for the fucking which you can’t blame him for.   Regardless, my favorite part of this story was the quote regarding Victoria Secret's reaction towards losing Gisele.

“Victoria’s Secret doesn’t care.   They have five new hotter, younger girls debuting next year”

That’s so hot and ruthless I don’t even know what to do with myself.    You better believe I’m going to use this line on any of my writers who demand a pay raise next year.   “The Stool doesn’t care.  We have five new hotter, younger bloggers debuting next year.”

16. St. Paul Tribune - The Twins announced Friday that they've set aside four dates this season at the Metrodome in which one section will be "peanut free" so people with nut allergies don't have to worry. "Peanuts are so symbolic, so connected to baseball," said Klinger, who directs the team's marketing efforts. "But if you're allergic to peanuts and you're trying to enjoy the game and the gentleman next to you is eating that bag of peanuts, it could be fatal. There are parents who are fearful of bringing their kids out to a stadium that is filled with peanuts."

Listen I have nothing against kids who are allergic to peanuts.  I’m sure it must really suck never to be able to eat a fluffernutter.   But you can’t ban peanuts from baseball games.  Not only is it Un-American, but it’s flat out unethical.  I mean if peanuts can kill your ass than you just can’t go to baseball games.  That’s life.   And just think of the Pandora’s Box that banning peanuts opens.  Honestly what’s next?  Is there going to be nympho games where nymphomaniacs can fuck in the stands?