Random Thoughts

1. Has anyone heard/seen the story about a little dude from California who was forced to take a leak in Science class. Basically he asked the teacher to go to the bathroom, teacher said no, so he pissed in a bottle. Makes sense to me. A couple things - A., the teacher should be fired for not letting the kid go to the bathroom. What is this, Game On trivia? And B., at least he didn't pull a "Little Vito" from The Sopranos last week. Easily one of the most gratuitous scenes in the history of HBO, and that's saying a lot. Sure, I know the kid's had a rough couple of months (gay mobster father murdered by uncle), but I couldn't believe what they had him do last night in the shower. As George Costanza would say, "It's all pipes!" Anyway, I didn't think it was necessary.

2. Can you retire a Congressman's number? Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank is pushing federal legislation to reverse the ban on Internet gambling.  Frank, a longtime critic of regulating Internet gambling, opposes the law on philosophical grounds. He told The Hill: “It’s a terrible idea and there are a large number of people who think it is a terrible idea. I don’t know how it ends. The worst that happens is that enough anti-gambling busybodies will be less inclined to interfere in people’s lives.” By reversing the ban, billions of dollars would be raised in tax revenue and millions of degenerates could get back to losing billions of their hard-earned dollars. It's win-win. You didn't think that today would be the day when you started thinking that maybe you wanted to give Barney Frank a nice, long hug, did you?

Just go with it.

3. People Magazine has announced the Drew Barrymore will be on the cover of the magazine's 2007 Most Beautiful People issue. I don't know if that officially confers the title of Most Beautiful Person on her but either way People is skating on thin ice. I like Drew Barrymore but she's not even close to being the Most Beautiful Person on my street let alone the world. I can think of 20 better options right now without doing any sort of actual research or long-term stalking of potential candidates.

4. Boston College women's hockey coach Tom Mutch has resigned (yeah right) after sexually explicit text messages between him and BC player Kelli Stack were found on her cell phone. The messages were termed "filthy" by one person who was lucky enough to read their awesome filthiness. This caps off just a phenomenal few months on the Heights. First, football coach Tom O'Brien bolts for ACC rival NC State. Then new football coach Jeff Jagodzinski drives off the Eagles' offensive line coach, Jim Turner. And now the school's hockey coach is ousted for writing dirty things to his best player. Apparently, one of Stack's teammate's moms found the messages and alerted the Jesuits and, as mandated by BC's code of conduct, Doug Flutie.

My favorite part of this story- reading between the lines of these Mutch quotes about Stack:

"Her lower half is really strong," said Mutch. "...she has great hands...she puts herself in great position. When she has the puck on her stick, it's really enjoyable to watch."

5.  I think I'm adhering to the not-so-strict "Don't Ask, Just Print It" section of the Barstool rulebook here.  According to Boston cabbie "Chris" today, he picked up 14 million dollar man Johnny Damon from his hotel Saturday and drove him to the game, only to get completely stiffed on the tip. According to Chris, "the fare came to $10.05, and that cheap bastard Damon gave me exactly $10.05. What a piece of gaabage." I empathized with Chris - back when I used to wait tables, a group of nuns pulled the same stunt with me. I'll never forget it - check came to like $35, and sure enough, all they left me was $35. I was stunned. And from that point on, never worked at Chippendales again. Things got better though, for Chris, apparently he went back to the Yankees' hotel and picked up Arod, Jeter and Mientkiewicz. The fare to Fenway again came to around $10. Arod gave him 50 bucks and told him to keep the change. What a guy that Mr. April, what a guy...

6. FoxNews - "I'm not averse to being tied up in silk scarves. I like a man to take charge,” she confessed to Live magazine. “There's something very sexy about being submissive." And in terms of being bare down there, Longoria is a hair-free fan with a fetish for G-strings "Every girl should have a Brazilian wax. It's my sexy secret,” the buxom brunette boasted to the mag. “And I only ever wear thongs. I don't own a pair of knickers with a proper back to them."

- Eva Longoria

First of all, thank you to Fox News for coming up with two questions for next week’s Ms. Barstool Sports Contest.

1.       How do you feel about being tied up during sex?

2.       Do you shave?       

Anyway, I’m not the biggest Eva Longoria fan to ever come down the pike but if she keeps saying outrageous shit like this I’ll keep posting pictures of her ass on www.barstoolsports.com.  That’s a promise.

7. Good news everybody.   Starting last week, Boston got what everybody has been dreaming about since the Boston Metro launched here.   Yup, another Metro!   Last week was the launch of Boston’s latest piece of shit daily called Boston Now.   And don’t worry, just like the Metro this paper has local roots as it’s owned by an Icelandic telecom company.  Are you freaking kidding me?   Did they not get the memo that Boston already has a free daily paper as well as arguably the greatest free biweekly sports and entertainment newspaper in the universe?     Seriously though, I am dreading to see the impact that “Boston Now” has on the competitive world of newsrack placement.  I mean Menino has to be steaming about this right?  Something tells me this means I’m going to be making a lot more trips to the dump pretty soon.    And let me just say this;  if I see any of these Boston Now clowns messing with my shit or trying to muscle in on my newsrack turf, I’m going to do something very drastic.  I don’t know what that is yet, but it won’t be pretty.  

8. Fox Sports - The 6-foot music star/actor and son of Master P was one of three players that committed to Floyd and the Trojans on Friday. Demar Derozan and Angelo Johnson, a pair of Scout.com's Top 100 players in the Class of 2008, joined Miller in giving a pledge to USC.  

"It's great for him," said Master P "USC is a great school and I felt like he made a great decision."

"He can be polishing up his film career at USC," Master P said. "When he's finished after four years at 21 or 22 years

Fuck AJ Mayo.  Little Romeo (not to confused with Bow Wow) has signed at USC to play hoops next year.   Are you serious?  That’s pretty cool.   And what a great recruiting tool for Tim Floyd.  I mean what college kid wouldn’t want to play ball with Master P’s kid?   Forget promises about the NBA.  You can promise a recruit that he will have the chance to cut a rap demo.  I bet that carries some serious weight in some circles.  Regardless this solidifies the fact that USC will now be the biggest show next year in college hoops. 

9. Well there has been the predictable and totally idiotic backlash from some of the media regarding the Patriots acquisition of Randy Moss.    Not surprisingly Dan Shaugnessy has filled in for Ron Borges by blasting the move and saying that the Patriots reputation is now forever tarnished and that winning the Super Bowl would now suck because of the price we paid to get there.   Of course per usual Shank has a personal agenda as apparently he hates the Pats because they occasionally steal headlines from him and his Red Sox bullshit.

His (Kraft) football men successfully bounced the Red Sox-Yankees off the landscape for a couple of days (which Kraft is obsessed with)

10. Let’s quickly address this issue that the Pats have somehow changed their entire philosophy and have sold their soul to the devil. I’m not kidding when I say this is arguably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. First of all, the whole premise of the argument is crap. The Patriots have always drafted guys or traded for guys they thought could help the team win and would play by their rules regardless of past indiscretions. That’s it. End of discussion.  

The list of guys with questionable character and resumes that they’ve brought in goes on and on with Corey Dillon and Bryan Cox being the two most obvious examples. Yet guys like Shaugnessy just seem to dismiss this like it never happened. They’ll ask whether Dillon quit on his team like Moss did.   Then they fail to mention that the answer is yes. It’s like we’re in a bizzaro world or something.  The Patriots haven’t changed their philosophy at all!    Not one bit! They always bring in guys they think can fit their system and help them win. That’s all they’ve ever cared about. And now just like with Dillon and Cox and everybody else they’ve ever taken a chance on, they believe that Moss will be a team player and help them win a Super Bowl.   That’s all there is to it. They’ve always ran this team like a business and this was a great business decision.    

As far as people who claim that Moss will somehow break apart the Patriots this argument may be even dumber than the argument that the Pats have changed their philosophy. If Moss doesn’t play by the Pats rules, he’ll be gone. That’s it. So how the hell is he going to hurt the team? He can’t. It’s impossible. So why is anybody even wasting their breath worrying about that? It’s like worrying that it won’t get dark tonight.  

There are only two options on what is going to happen with Randy Moss on the Patriots.  He is either going to dominate the league and help the Pats win another Super Bowl or he’s going to get cut and nobody will even remember that he was here in the first place. The beauty of if that it only took a 4^th round draft pick to find out what the answer is going to be. And anybody who says that the Patriots wouldn’t have drafted a guy with similar off the field issues and similar talent in the 4^th round is either lying or an idiot.

11. 7. CHICO, Calif. (AP) - Elsie McLean thought she might have lost her ball on the par-3, 100-yard fourth hole at Bidwell Park. Instead, the 102-year-old Chico woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course.

In a week that featured NCAA national championships, baseball Opening Day, Dice-K's debut and a hundred other big sports stories, Elsie's Ace might be the biggest story of all. She's a national sensation. She's all over TV, the sports pages, the blogosphere...the magazines will all come out next week with features on her, and I have no doubt Leno and Letterman are in a Texas Death Match for the right to book her. Everyone agrees Elsie's miraculous feat is the feel good story of 2007.

Here's my message to Elsie: F-You. How the hell else am I supposed to react to this? I'm a grown man in the prime of life. I have no physical defects. I'm in perfect health. And if I hit two greens in regulation for 18 holes I'm cold calling strangers to brag about it. A hole-in-one? I've never even come close. If I ever do get one, I'll quit the game to work full time raising the funds to pay for the monument I'll build on the spot to immortalize my accomplishment. Isn't just drawing breath at 102 enough of an accomplishment for anyone? Why do you have to snuff out the last glimmer of my self esteem?

12. Carmen Electra the new host of a  Naked Women Wrestling League. Honestly, what's the point here? Women fighting just doesn't draw money, in fact, women's sports doesn't really draw money. Naked women, sure they draw money...but naked woman who get naked as part of a fake wrestling match just doesn't make any sense. Think of it this way. You're at home. You decide to order a PPV. You're all alone and you see you have the choice between porn and this. If you order the NWWL event you'll realize 2 minutes into the first match that not only aren't these girls going to have sex with one another, but that there is another hour of them not having sex still to go . If you order the porn you can get back to the Red Sox in about the same 2 minute time period and TiVo the rest.   The defense rests your honor.

13. Stuff.co.nz -International speedskating star Nicole Begg is hoping to lift her international profile and that of her sport by undressing.

"Lots of sports stars, both male and female, have done this sort of thing."

Often they have done it for big money offers from magazines, but Begg's motivation is to raise her profile in the hope of attracting a sponsor and also to promote inline skating. Begg is frustrated that her efforts go largely unnoticed in New Zealand. Not too many people are into speed skating here, but it is huge elsewhere."

Frankly I think this is a great message to send to the kids.  When in doubt, strip.   I know we’ve been beating this drum for the last couple years here at the Stool.  The bottom line is that if you want to make a name for yourself in this world, there is only one way to do it.  And that’s to get naked, preferably for the cover of Barstool Sports.   As a side note, I’d like to know in what countries inline speed skating is huge?  Are these third world countries this nappy headed ho is talking about?

14. Foxnews.com - RICHMOND, Virginia -  Police say a man sought revenge
against his ex-girlfriend by leaving homemade DVDs of her performing sex
acts on car windshields throughout the area. The DVDs include the woman's
name, address and phone number. Police said the woman never realized the
acts had been recorded and has received several visits and phone calls from
strangers seeking sex.David Feltmeyer, 33, is charged with one felony count
and one misdemeanor count of using a computer to "carry out the production
of obscene exhibition." He also faces two misdemeanor counts of "knowingly
producing an obscene exhibition." I think he was trying to do her some harm because she is no longer in a relationship with him," said Chesterfield police Capt. Karl Leonard. "The video was made, unbeknownst to her, at least over a year ago."

Misdemeanor?   That's it?  That's all you get for secretly making a sex tape
and then putting it on people's windshields complete with the chick's phone
number?  Hmm, that seems pretty lenient right?  I thought you could get the
death penalty for this type of shit?   Regardless, it's good to know.  This
story is like a public service announcement for all dudes who get dumped or
cheated on.   I mean when you evaluate the risk vs. reward in revenge plots
this plan seemingly gets you the most bang for your buck.   I'm sold.

15. Well last week was the first week in the history of Barstool Sports (almost 4 years) that El Pres was not around to run the business.    That’s right folks The First Lady and I took a vacation to St. Martin last week.   The biggest highlight of the trip had to be the fact that The First Lady broke up a massive brawl between native St. Martiners on the way home from the beach.   No joke.   It was the craziest thing I’ve seen in a long time.  Basically we were stuck in traffic on the way back to our Hotel when a fight broke out between a bunch of kids (approx age 8-12) right next to our car.   I’d say there were a pack of 10 of them.  And all of them were basically beating the pulp out of this one dude.   They actually head locked him to the ground and starting kicking him in the head.  Before I even knew what happened the First Lady flew out of the car and was tossing these kids all over the place and was right in the middle of the rumble.   I honestly thought the locals were going to attack her.  I didn’t know whether to jump out and help her or lock the doors since we were in a rental car.   Luckily The First Lady scared off the mob and was able to help the battered and bruised kid to his feet.    She then limped her way back to the car with bruises on her ankles from kicks that were intended for the kids head but nailed her instead.  It was flat out nuts.    And in a few years the story will change so it was me that broke up the fight.  In other St. Martin news, why do the French wear booty shoots that leave nothing to the imagination.    I saw more outlines of junk than I care to remember.  And what’s the deal with the Euro being worth more than the dollar?  That’s bullshit if you ask me.   It should boil down to which country could invade which to determine what currency is worth more.   And I know we could take France.