Random Thoughts
1. Cincinnati Enquirer - The Knothole Club of Greater Cincinnati has decided to eliminate "chatter." Unless the chatter is "positive" and directed at your own team. You can't say "We want a pitcher, not an underwear stitcher!"
"We didn't want Knothole to get a bad name for anything," Knothole president Dave Epplen explained. "If you're saying, 'Swing, batter,' and this poor little kid is swinging at everything, he feels bad and maybe he turns to the catcher and gets mad. Honest to gosh, I didn't have any trouble doing this."
So "Swing batta,batta" is now illegal because you don't want to hurt little Johnny's feelings? My only question is why stop there? Little League should just eliminate swinging and missing all together. If a kid happens to swing and miss you just have his dad throw the ball into the outfield for a base hit. This way Johnny won't break down and cry and he'll have a positive experience and think that life is just one big walk in the park. And while we're at it why don't we make a rule that all games end in a tie and every kid gets to play short stop. Who cares if there are 45 shortstops on the field at once? As long as we don't hurt anybody's feelings and protect every kid from reality that's all that matters. I can hear the Canadian troops lining up at our border as we speak getting ready to invade our sorry asses.
2. BostonHerald.com - A state rep who characterized Lynn students as lowly peons who will one day toil for the future "captains of industry" in Swampscott schools has touched off a class war on the North Shore, pitting residents of the blue-collar burg against their toney suburban neighbors
"Swampscott breeds arrogance," said Jeff Earp, who grew up there but now lives in Lynn, where his two kids attend public school. "You're made to believe Lynn kids are beneath you." "That's an outrage," said Kim Pasquale, whose daughters, Justine 17, and Rachel, 13, attend Lynn schools. "What do they think they are - better than us?" But just across the line in Swampscott, 14-year-old Darlene Vu took a shot at her next-door neighbors.
"They say Lynn's ghetto and I'd never walk to Lynn alone," said Vu, who said she believes she gets a better education in her town than her peers in Lynn.
Oh baby, it's on now! As an SHS alum and future "Captain of Industry" I can vividly remember all the pregame speeches when we played Lynn Classical or Lynn English in anything. It was always "they hate the baby blue and our fancy cars and big houses." But this is taking it to another level. And it figures it's a Marblehead guy who is stirring the pot. Typical. After all “the only reason God created Swampscott was to keep the Lynners out of Marblehead." Swampscott looks like Lynn compared to Marblehead and their old money. By the way who is Darlene Vu? The reporter couldn't have found a better person to quote than some 14 year old girl? How about the president of a multi international publishing empire and caption of industry like myself? I've heard a lot of slogans about Lynn, but I've never heard people say "Lynn's ghetto and Id never walk to Lynn alone." How about “Lynn Lynn the city of sin, the girls say no but always give in"? And let's not forget that Lynn is not all bad. They do have Pennyworth's and Monty's. As a side note, I'd hate to be the next C-squad team heading into Manning Bowl. That sounds like big trouble to me. In my opinion Manning Bowl ranks second in terms of toughest places to play in the country only behind Death Valley.
3. ATHENS (Reuters) - A Greek tavern owner who tried to break up a fight between customers watching a Greece-Turkey soccer match had both ears bitten off, police said on Wednesday.
"I tried to split them up and ended up on the floor with one of the Bulgarians biting one ear and another one chewing the other ear off," Tsibibakis told state television on Wednesday from hospital. "At least I still have the pieces that were bitten off." Police said they arrested three of the Bulgarians and were looking for a fourth. Greece lost the match against their archrivals 4-1.
I don't want to say that the bar owner deserved to get his ears chewed off, but what do you expect when you blatantly violate Dalton's 3 rules of bar fighting?
One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. (Bar owner clearly wasn't ready for the Bulgarians to attack his ears. He should have been)
Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. (Sounds like he jumped right in the middle without even attempting to take it to the streets of Athens)
And three, be nice. (An inside tip told the Stool that the owner threatened to kick them out if they wouldn't shut up)
So like I said in the beginning I don't want to say that Mr. Tsibibakis deserved to get both his ears chewed off, but when you look at it logically he kind of did. On the bright side he does seem like he's in decent spirits almost bragging about how he is still in possession of the pieces of his ears that were bitten off. This just proves that there is a silver lining in every cloud.
4. Seattle Times.com – Woodinville High School's 64-0 fastpitch softball win over Franklin last week prompted the KingCo 4A coaches to meet Tuesday night to discuss ways to avoid any kind of repeat performance and led to some soul-searching by Woodinville coach Jim Weir. "Baseball and softball have been part of my life since I was 7 years old," Weir said. "The last thing I want to do is disrespect any opponent, disrespect the game. What happened is unfortunate. I have been questioning myself these last four-five days." Weir said he was "shocked" by the final score after the March 21 game ended. He said he was concentrating more on making sure his players were playing the game right and had lost count of the score. "If anything positive can come out of this, it's that we can implement some new rules so this never happens again," Weir said.
I love how this coach is trying to make himself sound like Gandhi here. Listen dude, tell me you don’t like my necktie, but don’t tell me you were shocked when you found out the score was 64-0. I mean who is doing the fucking book? It had to be you because girls don’t know how to do it. But I ain’t mad at ya. Just don’t lie to me and tell me you had no idea what was going on. Listen, I’m pro blowout. I’ve never understood why people get so upset over blowouts. It’s survival of the fittest out there. Losing 64 -0 is probably the best thing that could happen to the girls on the other team because it will force them to re-evaluate what they’re doing with their life. It’s a wake up call if you ask me. The key to life is finding something you’re good at and doing that. The world needs ditch diggers too. The sooner they realize this the better and a couple more games like this should send the message loud and clear.
5. HONG KONG- It was a device worthy of Rube Goldberg, or perhaps Wile E. Coyote. A remote-controlled mechanism with a dozen launching tubes was found buried in the turf at Hong Kong’s most famous horse racing track last week; it was rigged with compressed air to fire tiny, liquid-filled darts into the bellies of horses at the starting gate. No horses were injured because the supervisor at theHappy Valley Racecourse, where horses have been racing since 1846, noticed something on the turf before racing started Wednesday. He discovered the mechanism concealed by grass-colored tape and called in a police bomb squad to remove it. Police officials refused to discuss the device found at HappyValley, except to say that it was under investigation. One popular theory is thatgamblersinstalled it in an attempt to fix the outcome of races… Officials are now offering a $128,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of whoever installed the device.
Every time you think you’ve heard it all, some disgruntled Chinese degenerate tries to fire a dart into the stomach of a horse. I mean this is unbelievable. I’ve heard of doping horses, even switching horses before the race, but installing darts at the starting gate?! Gotta applaud the effort of said Chinese degenerate, but come on. This is like the Hong Kong horse racing version of “24” with the track supervisor playing the part of the Chinese Jack Bauer. Instead of counting down seconds to a bomb exploding, it would be minutes to post. Yikes, imagine if the darts were actually fired? And what if you had like a billion yen (or whatever it is) on the 5 horse, next thing you know he’s belly-up at the quarter pole with a dart in his stomach. Now that’s a tough beat.
6.TORONTO (Reuters) - Bullies are no longer content to taunt their victims in the playground but are turning to cyberspace, according to Canadian researchers. Cyber bullies are even forcing their girlfriends to undress in front of webcams and then sharing the images with others online. They're pressuring each other. “This is particularly (true) for girls to send pictures of themselves with their tops off," said Professor Faye Mishna, of the University of Toronto, who has been researching the cyber abuse of children. "Girls might send it to their boyfriend and she is pressured to do it thinking he's just going to see it. So she gives in and the next thing you know it's all over (the place)." Preliminary results from the research show so-called computer geeks are becoming the new schoolyard bullies. Final results of the study, which will be completed in June, are expected to be published in the autumn.
Preliminary results show that computer geeks are becoming the new school yard bullies? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read in my life. There is no such thing as a computer geek bully. It’s an oxymoron. The bottom line is that there is only one type of bully in school and that’s the type who beats you up, steals your lunch money and shoves you in a locker. And I don’t call a boyfriend pressuring his girlfriend to strip in front of a web cam bullying either. That type of shit has been going on for years. Chicks with low self esteem will always put out in fear of getting dumped. That’s just the way life goes. It has nothing to do with computer geeks somehow ruling the world. Canada is such a joke. They’re the only country who would waste money on a survey like this. We should just go invade their asses and put them out of their misery.
7. Michigan Daily - Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch. While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity. Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said. She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left. According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.
What kind of frat in the name of frats kicks out a chick that is masturbating on the living room coach? Michigan should revoke Pike’s Frat license. My only explanation is that the chick must have been hideous looking. But if she was even a 5 or above you just got to makes some popcorn, pull up a chair and enjoy the show. This type of shit doesn’t happen every day. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that this will hurt next year’s pledge class at Pike. Who kicks a masturbating woman off your coach? Honestly.
8. Bostonherald.com - New York's Curtis Sliwa is vowing to don his beret and take his Guardian Angels anti-crime crusade to Boston's streets but Hub cops say he should stay home and let the pros do the job. "What's going on in Boston reminds me of the bloody days of the 1970s and 1980s in New York. The city of Boston is under siege from armed teenage marauders and cretins with chromosome damage who have paralyzed Boston," Sliwa told the Herald yesterday.
Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about having the Guardian Angels in Boston. I guess my opinion boils down to how this will affect my news racks? If the Guardian Angels help protect my soldiers against hooligans, teenage marauders, cretins and Menino then I say bring them in. If they're just going to look the other way when people/the city steals my shit, than I say screw em.
9. Foxnews.com - A 13-year-old Georgia student riding a school bus received a “wedgie” during a school hazing incident so painful that his mother took him to the emergency room. WJXT-TVreported that the boy, who wished to remain anonymous, is a member of theCharlton County High Schooljunior varsity golf team. He was riding the bus along with varsity members, who held him upside down. “It [The wedgie] was so extreme it ripped his boxer shorts in two," said the student's mother, Carol. According to WJXT-TV, two older students called the boy to the back of the bus and, in addition to the wedgie, punched the 13-year-old in the groin and stomach — all as a part of an initiation ritual."He was bent over and couldn't hardly walk. He cried for probably 30 minutes," Carol said.
WJXT-TV reported that the two older teens were arrested and charged with simple battery. Carol said that she does not think the boys meant to hurt her son, but they did. She said she's talking publicly about the incident so other parents and school administrators take notice of similar hazing incidents.
"It's not funny. It went beyond being a funny little prank," Carol said. "Sometimes people don't know when enough is enough, and I think that's what happened here."
Unfortunately this story doesn’t surprise me. I mean the high school golf team is like the Hell’s Angels. You just never know what type of havoc these guys will wreak. The kid’s lucky they only gave him a wedgie and punched him in the nuts. It could have been a lot worse. Also, you got to love the mother going National with this story. I just hope that this doesn’t bring more trouble for the poor kid. High School Golfers feed off of this type of shit. They can smell blood in the water from a mile away.
10. HOLLYWOOD, Mar. 22, 2007 - Joining a list of Hollywood street performers including Elmo, Mr. Incredible and Chewbacca, Batman was arrested Thursday at the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Highland Ave. Batman reportedly insisted on using a portable toilet that was rented by local union workers who were picketing a local business on the boulevard. An argument between the performer and some of the picketers escalated, whereupon Batman proceeded to remove his cape and assume an aggressive posture, taunting the picketers and appearing to pick a fight. Street performer "Hollywood Afro-man" who witnessed the altercation, held the opposite view: "He's [Batman] no good for here, that's why a lot of the characters named him 'Bat-trash' -- because he's got a trashy mouth."
First of all this has to be the first fight in the history of fights over the use of a porta potty. What kind of lunatic doesn't let somebody shit in their porta potty? It's a freaking porta potty! It was meant for all sorts of random asses to take dumps in. The union workers should feel blessed that Batman wanted to shit in their porta potty if you ask me. And what's the deal with Hollywood Afro-man? I've never heard of you. Sounds like you’re just jealous if you ask me.
11. Have people noticed the new restaurant that is being built right next to UNO's near Fenway Park? It's none other than a Popeye's Chicken. Repeat: Popeye's Chicken! I don't know why, but this is flat out shocking to me. I didn't even know Popeye's still existed. Although after careful research I guess there are two locations in MA. One is in Brockton and the other one is in Chicopee. Anyway, if you had given me 1 million guesses of what fast food chain was opening next to Fenway Park, I would have never guessed Popeye's. I feel like the last time I saw one of these fast food chains was on the Lynnway back in the mid 80's. It just seems like a weird freaking chain to be opening near Fenway Park. Am I the only one that thinks this is blog worthy? Popeye's Chicken, are you serious?
12. Salem, Ore AP - A former Woodburn coach has gotten a state reprimand for biting the thigh of one of half a dozen wrestlers who tried to give him a wedgie. At a December 2005 practice, the Teacher Standards and Practices Commission said, team members tried to give Peter Porath a wedgie - jerking his undershorts upward.
"At least six wrestlers, weighing between 180 and 215 pounds each, came up to Mr. Porath from behind in an attempt to give him a 'wedgie'. In the process of getting the boys off of him, Mr. Porath bit the inside of a wrestler's leg leaving distinct teeth marks," the commission said. The commission called that "gross neglect of duty." It put him on probation for two years and said Porath must complete a class on appropriate behavior and write a public apology to the student he bit. Porath was then the assistant wrestling coach.
First of all, let me just say that I don't trust or like wrestlers. They are a totally different breed. I lived with a bunch of them in college and for the most part they are all sick and twisted. Their way of saying hello when you wake up in the morning is to sneak up behind you and put you in the pretzel or something. They just never stop wrestling. It's like a 24/7 job just to make sure you don't end up in the Boston Crab. Anyway, having said that, this story is a gross miscarriage of justice. The wrestling coach did absolutely nothing wrong in my book. Listen if six high school wrestlers attack you and try to give you a wedgie, all bets are off. Biting, hair pulling, crotch shots are all legal at this point. Rule #1 in the wedgie handbook is that when giving a wedgie you should expect severe retaliation and that's exactly what happened in this case. If anything the student who got bit should be writing an apology to the coach for complaining about getting bitten during this altercation. It violates all the principles that giving a wedgie is all about.
13. LA Lakers owner Jerry Buss has hired Bonnie Jill Laflin as the new assistant GM of the Los Angeles Defenders. (I can only assume that the LA Defenders are in the WNBA) Anyway, Laflin's many qualifications include being hot, posing for Playboy and the ability to suck dick at a moment's notice. Man, I love Jerry Buss's style. I mean is it illegal just to hire people based on how they look and whether they'll sleep with you? Seriously, that's a real question. Because I just dream of the day when the Stool is big time and Pete Manzo comes walking into his office only to find he's been replaced with some cover model who has agreed to sleep with me on a regular basis. A man can dream can't he?
As a side note, I'm just kidding about that last part just in case the First Lady is reading this which I don't think she is.