Random Thoughts
1. UCLA survived the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament and as a result the ugliest man in college basketball, Lorenzo Mata is still dancing. As a side note, not only is he the ugliest guy in the tournament, but he is also the worst free throw shooter checking in at about 35% from the line. Anyway, despite how ugly Mata is I’ve got the feeling that this guy is still getting laid. This raises the question of whether you'd choose to be a big time Division I athlete if it also meant that you'd be the ugliest man on the planet? I don't think I'd make that deal unless I was guaranteed a professional contract in whatever sport I played. I feel like you can be the ugliest pro athlete in the world and still pull more ass than a good looking normal dude. But what happens to Mata if he doesn't make the pro's? He may never get laid the rest of his natural born life. It's a real tough call.
2. MESA, Ariz. -- A cable news program was temporarily replaced with hard-core pornography, shockingviewers who had been watching a health show featuring former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw. The incident Monday night on KPPX-TV was "an act of human sabotage" at the Phoenix-area station, said ION Television, which operates the station. Brenda Schodt, of Chandler, said she was shockedto look up and see graphic sex acts on her television screen. "Maybe five or 10 minutes into the show there was no volume," Schodt said. "I thought it was the TV, but when I looked up, there were these images."
Obviously this is shocking. But half the news is teacher sex stories and fake blowjobs anyway; so it's good to put a name with a face. Also, why do these things always happen in small markets? It's like UFO sightings. You never see hard-core porn during the news or aliens double-parking their ships in places like Boston, New York or Chicago. The closest we ever got around here was the chick flashing her tits at the Sox game. Although to be fair, my buddy's buddy Butterbean SWEARS he saw an alien on the foot of his bed outside Philadelphia ...
3. VANCOUVER, Wash. - Infamous Oregon ice skater Tonya Harding is back in the news. Clark County sheriff's deputies responded to two calls early Sunday morning involving Harding. Police reports describe Harding as "very agitated" and "tweaking out.” Sergeant Tim Bieber told The Oregonian that police received the first call at about 5 a.m. According to a police report, Harding said four men and a woman tried to break into her car and steal it. She also said they were trying to stash weapons on her property. In his report, the deputy wrote that Harding's account was "very implausible."
This story is sad, just sad. You have to just feel terrible for Harding. "Agitated?" "Tweaking out?" Is that the best she can do any more? Whatever happened to Tonya? She used to be a giantess. In the world of Crackpot Celebrities, Scandal-Plagued Lunatics and Unstable Sports Icons, Tonya Harding bestrode the narrow world like a colossus. She was a pioneer in the field of Oddball Celebrity Crackups. Skategate. Her lace breaking in the Lillehammer Olympics. The NSFW wedding night video (including the happy ending where she hold's Gillooley's boy butter out for the camera). USA Wrestling. The time she claimed she was being stalked by pro golfers. "Fox Celebrity Boxing" vs. Paula Jones The time she said a bushy-haired guy kidnapped her at knifepoint. The drunken domestic fight she blamed on two masked men. Harding had it all. In her prime, she was pure 14K tabloid gold. Now she's been reduced to calling Sherriff Teasle with stories about fictitious thieves, non-existent guns and imaginary animals. And she's blaming asthma medication for it. How the mighty have fallen. It's like seeing the former champ fighting a tank bout at the local Sons of Italy or a band that used to sell out football stadium playing the Marshfield Fair. I hope it's not too late for her to stage a comeback. The blogging world needs Tonya Harding, not this shadow of her former self.
4. Contactmusic.com - Actor and baseball enthusiast BEN AFFLECK has signed on to narrate a quirky new Boston Red Sox DVD aimed at turning young children into die-hard fans. RED SOX BABY: RAISING TOMORROW'S BOSTON RED SOX FAN TODAY is an educational film, which also prepares infants and pre-school children to become Red Sox fans. The sports-centered children's DVD series features Red Sox footage, graphics and merchandise to help teach counting, spelling, shape and colour recognition. The DVD, which is released on 17 April (07), also advocates teamwork and safety skills. New dad Affleck, a Boston, Massachusetts native, is a die-hard Red Sox fan.
Hey I got a crazy idea. How about letting kids become Red Sox fans by watching games? Is that a revolutionary concept or what? I think I speak for all Red Sox fans when I say the last thing we want is the youth of America being introduced to the Red Sox by a propaganda video narrated by Ben Affleck and produced and written by Larry Lucchino. And let’s not kid ourselves. This was clearly the brainchild of Lucchino. Ever since he took over the organization I feel like I need to take a cold shower after watching a game. He just gives me the willies. Although my perception of him can change very quickly if a press pass magically shows up in the mail in the next week or so.
5. Bostonherald.com - Anxious parents and kids across Massachusetts are watching suburban Stoneham to see whether its plan to ditch school sports marks a budget-slashing trend that decimates team athletics.
“I think you’re going to see this year as the worst yet in cuts,” said Tom Scott, executive director of the Massachusetts Association of School Superintendents.
Scott said budgets are so tight schools are being forced to pit sports against academics; class sizes against sports fees.
“This is a harbinger for losing programs,” he said of Stoneham’s drastic plan. “Cutting sports is like sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll. Sports gets attention.”
Stoneham officials, $3 million in the red townwide, say it may be the end of the line for sports, arts and more.
You got to be kidding me right? This is one of the most disgusting stories I’ve ever had to post on www.barstoolsports.com. High School can’t exist without sports; end of story. The people in charge of the budget should be fired if they can’t figure out a way to keep sports and run a school at the same time. Listen, I watched the movie Dave. There is always a way to make things happen. I’m being dead serious when I say that if you can’t afford to have a high school sports program (which I don’t believe) then you might as well close the entire school. Honestly, just shut down your entire school system. I mean what self respecting father is going to raise his family in a town where his son can’t play high school sports? And what type of girl is going to want to go to a high school where there are no athletes to fuck? I’d never raise my family there and I don’t think many people would. The good news for Stoneham is that if they eliminate sports they won’t ever have to worry about the budget again because they’ll only have 3 people enrolled in the school and they’ll all be dorks.
6. Did people enjoy the Holiday last week? And I’m not talking about St. Paddy’s Day. Last Wednesday was Steak and BJ day! Now I’d never heard of this holiday before a couple a minutes ago when somebody forwarded me the official link, but if it has a website then it has got to be legit. Therefore, in honor of the holiday, I put together my perfect Steak and BJ day. Here are my top three combo’s.
Combo #1
Steak – Oak Room
BJ – Scarlett Johansson (now keep in mind while I love Scarlett, she wouldn’t be the first person I’d pick to sleep with. We’re just simply talking BJ’s here and I think she’d be great at it.)
Combo #2
Steak – Capital Grille
BJ – Angelina Jolie – I’m kind of turned off by her whole adopting babies’ thing, but you can’t argue with her lips.
Combo #3
Steak – Flemings (I know people are going to bash this selection, but I love Flemings. Always have.)
BJ – Kristin Kreuk – As a rule I include her on every list that has anything to do with picking hot girls.
7. Metro.co.uk.com - In stunning news that will have wide ranging implications for many years to come, a man has been found who likes having sex with cars. Mr. Donald has also done the dirty with two boats and a jetski. Mr. Donald apparently says that his sexual fetish may have been triggered by formative childhood experiences watching Knight Rider. Mr. Donald, according to The Sun, also maintains a website on which he writes erotic fiction about car-diddling, and has posted a manual entitled 'How to Make Love to a Car or Other Vehicle.'
Advice from the manual includes '
The tailpipe isn't the only option! If it interests you get hold of a silicon sleeve from Clone Zone or some other tool to make life easier on your tool' and 'Roleplay involving the car is another spice. Needless to say solo roleplay requires vivid imagination and the ability to suspend rational thought.'
This is stunning! If you’re like me I know what you’re thinking. This has to be fake right? At least that’s what I thought right up until the part when Mr. Joshua, I mean Mr. Donald said that Knight Rider was the reason he rapes cars now. I mean you got to give Mr. Donald his due. Kit was one sexy car.
8. TMZ.com Former "American Idol" finalist Mario Vasquez is facing accusations that he tried to masturbate in front of a male employee in a bathroom on the set of the hit show in February 2005. Shortly thereafter, Vasquez mysteriously dropped out of "Idol," citing personal reasons. In the lawsuit, Magdaleno Olmos claims "Vazquez stared lasciviously, smiled lasciviously ... and on one occasion followed him into a bathroom ... knocked on the door of the plaintiff's stall and made eye contact through the space in the stall door.” The lawsuit alleges that Vazquez "started to rub his genitals over his pants. Attempting to leave the bathroom, Olmos opened the door of the stall and saw Vazquez standing in front of him with his pants down masturbating."
According to the documents, Vazquez pushed Olmos "further into the stall and continued masturbating with one hand and trying to pull down Olmos' pants with another hand."
Olmos claims that he tried to "cover his body with his hands" but Vazquez touched his "chest and stomach underneath his shirt, and Olmos' "genitals" as Vazquez "attempted to unzip" Olmos' pants.
Vazquez then allegedly asked Olmos "if he wanted oral sex."
Ok, first question. Who the hell is Mario Vasquez? Are we even sure that this guy was on American Idol? I wouldn’t recognize this dudette if he slapped me across the face. Second of all, this guy Magdaleno Omos (the guy who got raped) must be the biggest whuss on the face of the planet. He’s setting this whole “gays can be tough guys too” movement back light years. I mean how do you get fondled by somebody who has their pants down and is in the middle of jacking off? You just got to bowl his ass over or punch him in the face or something. You don’t let the guy molest you with one hand! That’s a disgrace. I’m sorry, but you have no right to complain when you get raped by a one handed American Idol gay guy. The “victim” had to be playing along. Regardless, this story sucks. Would somebody put some pictures of Kristin Kreuk on the website or something? Where’s UB when you need him?
9. Rose Morat is a 101-year-old New Yorker that was punched several times in the face and mugged on her way to church yesterday afternoon. The attack was caught on videotape by her apartment building surveillance camera. Rose, who uses a walker to get around, was stunned when the man punched her in the face and then grabbed her purse. When Rose tried to get her purse away from him, he punched her again. He got away with a whopping $33.
When I first read this story I was appalled by it. But I’ve got to be honest here. The crook's scumbag level doesn’t go up for me just because he cold cocked an old bag. I ain’t mad at him for picking on the elderly. I mean it’s kind of smart when you think about it. What are the odds that a 101 year old lady is going to put up much of a fight? I mean when you’re out mugging people’s asses, you’re not worried about your image right? In fact if I were a mugging coach, I’d recommend going after old people. The only problem is that the elderly don’t carry a lot of cash on them nowadays. So even though they may be an easy target, you got to knock out like 50 of them in a day to make it worth your while. I guess like in any profession you got to take the good with the bad.
10. Salma Hayek is pregnant and the father is not Tom Brady. Rather, Salma's baby daddy/fiancé is some creepy looking- and no doubt loaded- French dude, Francois-Henri Pinault. I just don't get this. I Googled Francois but everything was in French so I'm just guessing that he's the CEO of a global crepes conglomerate. He has crepes money but Salma isn't hurting for dough. She's big-time. She doesn't have to Anna Nicole it. This news has thrown me for a loop. Salma was my girl. I'm supposed to be heading down to Mohegan Sun tonight for a bachelor party but I may have to back out. I need to reevaluate my life.
11. Comcast.net - RALEIGH, N.C. - When John Cornwell graduated from Duke University last year, he landed a job as software engineer in Atlanta but soon found himself longing for his college lifestyle. So the engineering graduate built himself a reminder of life on campus: a refrigerator that can toss a can of beer to his couch with the click of a remote control.
I think the biggest surprise with this story is that it took so long for somebody to invent this. I mean I don’t want to take anything away from the guy because I’m sure it took a lot of technical razzmatazz, but the idea is kind of a no brainer. I think the next logical step is to build some sort of machine that can pay the pizza guy and get your food without having to get up from the couch. I’m kind of thinking of something along the lines of one of those drive through bank thing where you stick you deposit in a tube and it shoots to the cashier. Seems like that’s another no brainer right? What are some other no brainer inventions for the TV room?
12. So last week when I when I was watching American Idol, a weird question popped into my head. Whatever happened to the other dude who hosted the show with Ryan Seacrest during Season 1? Yes, American Idol had two hosts during the first season. Most people probably don’t even remember that. Other than the mystery man, every single cast member of American Idol has remained the same and they have all become gadzillionares and legitimate superstars. So I did a little research and found out not only that his name is Brian Dunkleman, but he actually has a website dedicated to his memory which is pretty freaking funny. (Briandunkleman.com) Now I’ve got to be honest here. If I were Brian Dunkleman, I’d probably kill myself. I don’t know how do you even wake up every day and face life knowing you were a whisker away from being a megastar? I mean he’s a modern day Munson. As bad as it sucks to be Virgil, it’s much worse to be Brian Dunkleman. Even his name sucks. Somebody should throw this guy a bone and do a reality TV show on him. I’d watch it.
13. Jordan’s Furniture is running a promotion where if you buy select furniture from Jordan's before April 16th and the Red Sox go on to win the World Series, you get your money back. What a great deal...You gotta hand it to these guys (or to the Japanese company that UB heard actually owns Jordan's) for giving fans yet another way to gamble. They must have taken out a big time insurance policy to even make this happen. Also, imagine if you're married...Suddenly she can't get pissed when you spend all your time watching the Sox..."Just monitoring our investment, honey. Grab me a beer will ya?" Right now Manzo is headed to Jordan's for a new living room set, dining room set and one of those double reclining sofas...
14. NEW YORK (YAHOO) - Captain America has undertaken his last mission — at least for now. The venerable superhero is killed in the issue of his namesake comic that hit stands Wednesday, the Daily News reported.
On the new edition's pages, a sniper shoots down the shield-wielding hero as he leaves a courthouse, according to the newspaper. It ends a long run for the stars-and-stripes-wearing character, created in 1941 to incarnate patriotic feeling during World War II. Over the years, an estimated 210 million copies of "Captain America" comic books, published by New York-based Marvel Entertainment Inc., have been sold in a total of 75 countries.
What the fuck? When did they decide to do this? Remember when they killed off Superman? They promoted that for months. This is the first UB is hearing of this...And he gets KILLED BY A SNIPER? Are they kidding? That's so freaking lame...Granted Captain had a lame ass weapon (the cool looking but still dumb shield) but after all those years of using that thing he couldn't deflect the bullet? That's like Spider-Man being killed by a spider bite or Wonder Woman's boobs exploding...That's Captain America's thing, the shield...Old age would have made more sense, the guy is 66 after all...
15. We haven’t had a good “You Make the Call!” in a while. I think you guys will like this one.
You Make the Call!
I was at a party on Friday night at The Greatest Bar over by North Station (they have Bubble hockey there by the way) and I was hanging out downstairs with some friends when 2 chicks, a blonde and a brunette, walked into the room. The brunette was okay-looking; the blonde was hot, with a tremendous body. Probably too short to be a Barstool Cover Model but a solid “Ms. Barstool” candidate nonetheless. So after going to the bar to get drinks, the duo approached me right away with the blonde taking the lead. Now this isn’t all that uncommon – I mean I just bowled a freakin’ 201. Anyway, the blonde girl, with said drink in her left hand, decided to extend her right hand towards my chest, and for whatever reason, proceeded to give me a (pause) titty-twister. Huh? Oh, it’s true. She gave me a titty-twister. And a good one! I didn’t even realize they were making a comeback in this country. I was kind of shocked, but pleasantly surprised.
And after consoling my left nipple, I now had 4 choices: A., do what my buddies were telling me to do – “Give her one back, dude!” The problem with that, of course, is the potential for her to slap me in the face – citing a violation on my part of some kind of unwritten “rule of society”. I wasn’t sure of my rights there. Even worse, I could get caught by a bouncer who didn’t see the first blow and only spotted the second, retaliatory twister. Choice B was to NOT give her a titty-twister. Instead, go play Bubble hockey or something. Maybe get an Iona score, then approach her later in the night. Choice C was to hit-on her brunette friend. And finally, choice D was to buy her a shot of Tequila, PRONTO, then sloppily make-out on the dance floor to songs I’ve never heard of.
Okay America, is it A, B, C or D? You make the call!