Random Thoughts
1. Marco Borriello plays for Milan in the Italian soccer league. When he tested positive for performance enhancers, he did what any smart athlete does: he said it was somebody else's fault. But Marco is light years ahead of our foolish American athletes. While Barry Bonds is blaming Mark Sweeney and Gary Sheffield is blaming Barry Bonds and Shawne Merriman is blaming team doctors, Borriello blames his astonishingly beautiful Argentine model girlfriend Belen Rodriguez. Borriello claims that Rodriguez was taking a cream to treat a vaginal infection, and the cream had steroids in it, and he ingested some because well, he's a man, and she's a woman, and there two young kids in love and somethin' somethin'...
Marco Borriello is now the leader in the clubhouse for 2007 Sportsman of the Year. How great is this alibi? "Sorry fellas, not my fault...I was muff diving. On my model girlfriend. Couldn't help myself." Even if it's chemically impossible, all any guy in the league office can say is "Good for you" and vote for no disciplinary action.
2. The Stool has officially entered our first competitive athletic competition in the history of the organization. Yup, we are in the Kings Media Bowling League that starts this Monday. Here is how I handicap the competition;
1. The Phoenix
Athletes beat hippies in sports 10 out of 10 times and twice on Sundays. It’s the rule. Plus Monday Night seems like a big night in the phone sex industry so I’m sure they’ll be looking at the clock the entire night and not focusing on the issue at hand.
2. Boston.com
Hey Boston.com, don’t think I forgot that you wouldn’t accept our money to advertise on your website. You guys think you’re too good for us? Let’s see what happens on the lanes. We’ll see who is too good for whom then.
3. Weekly Dig
I like the Weekly Dig. But again I’ll be damned if a bunch of hippies are going to knock us off. And they’ll probably be so distracted by the fact that Kings doesn’t sell 943 types of microbrews that they won’t be able to concentrate on bowling.
4. Boston Globe
Please, like the suits at the Globe have a chance? It wouldn’t surprise me if these guys need to take a nap break in-between strings.
5. Kiss 108
I feel like Kiss will have a decent squad. But just like a typical teenager, I don’t think they’re going to have the attention span and dedication needed to bowl at a high level. Sure they may start strong, but by the end of the night they’ll be blowing bubbles and playing pinball.
6. Metro
I just want to give a warning to the Metro. Don’t think you’re going to sneak in any of your 3rd world immigrants that you have handing out the papers and who may or may not be professional bowlers in their homeland. All bowlers must be US citizens. I’m going to be looking for proof of citizenship when I play you guys.
7. WBCN
These guys are the defending champs. I guess I can see that. They seem like they probably would have the best bowlers out of this group. But I’m not worried. I’ll just mention WAAF and let them rant and rave about Mantown for 9 million straight hours and by the time they are finished we’ll be hoisting the trophy and they won’t even know what happened.
8. Mix 98.5
Is this going to be like Audrey Constant and David Allen Bouche or something?
9. Greater Media Boston
What is Greater Media Boston? Is it possible they are less well known than we are? I don’t like not knowing who these guys are. I feel like Pete Webber or Walter Ray Jr. could show up and I wouldn’t be able to prove that they didn’t work for them. I may have to do some research on these guys. Where are my freaking interns when you need them?
10. Boston Magazine
Ha! What a joke. Who is Boston Magazine kidding? They belong at tea and crumpet parties, not in bowling leagues. I’d be surprised if they even touch the bowling balls without white gloves on. However, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be watching for any monkey business between The Dig and Boston Magazine since they are both the same company. If you ask me that seems like a conflict of interest and grounds for suspension.
11. Boston Herald
I’m calling out Purcell Jr. right now. All I’ve heard about is how great his flag football team was at Superfan U. If you’re going to walk the walk, you better talk the talk.
3. The New York Daily News reported yesterday that Britney Spears was turned down by the NFL Network when she approached them about appearing in a Super Bowl ad. Quoth an NFL insider:
"She's too much of a train wreck," says the insider. "Besides, we already have Paris Hilton."
Ouch. This is as bad as it gets. I mean it literally can’t get any worse than this. If somebody told you two years ago that Paris Hilton would be chosen over Britney Spears to appear in a Super Bowl commercial you would have put that person in an insane asylum. But you know what this means don’t you? We are one step closer to the Britney Spears Sex tape. She basically has no other options. She’s fat. She’s gross. She’s busted. Nobody wants to see her vagina and Paris Hilton has officially become a bigger draw than Britney. There is nothing left for her to do except sell her sons, hit the gym for 6 months straight, release a wild sex tape and climb her way back to the top. Don’t tell me I couldn’t be a celebrity agent.
4. Karl Kemp, a high end antiques dealer specializing in Biedermeier, Art Deco and Empire (Barstool's global headquarters in Zurich is full of Biedermeier. We're loopy for that shit), who may or not be braindead, is suing four homeless men for $1,000,000 because they've driven away customers. The lawsuit alleges that the four homeless men spent two years in front of the store "consuming alcoholic beverages from open bottles, performing various bodily functions such as urinating or spitting on the sidewalk, and…verbally harassing or intimidating … prospective customers."
There's stupid and then there's spending thousands of dollars in legal fees to sue four homeless guys. What can this idiotic antiques dealer possibly expect to get out of this lawsuit? Will the court make the homeless guys give the art dealer their cardboard beds and lice-infested clothes and an IOU for $999,999.97? Will the art dealer just keep on slapping lawsuits on homeless people who hang out near his store? What about poor people or rich people dressed like slobs? What about people from New Jersey- will the art dealer set up border guards to keep the bridge and tunnel crowd from walking on the sidewalk in front of the store?
I live in Boston and I see homeless people every single day. And I have no problem with them. I'm not saying I want them setting up a shantytown outside my building but when you live in the city, you quickly learn that your friendly, neighborhood homeless guy is something to be valued. "Up there is where we get coffee in the morning, that's where you can get some really great Thai and that's Joe, our homeless guy." It's part of the complete city package. Deal with it.
5. NY POST January 12, 2007 -- We may soon be seeing more of Katie Rees- who was fired last year as Miss Nevada after Donald Trumpand the Miss USA team came across semi-nude pictures of her engaged in lesbian clinches with friends. Spies say Rees is in talks to do a spread for Playboy after turning down "Girls Gone Wild" impresarioJoe Francis. "Joe was offering her $25,000 and $2 per video sold for her to host a special and do a video with him," a source says. But it's not about the money for Rees. She just agreed to host Jeff Beacher's "Comedy Madhouse" at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas for one night in March for a measly $10,000. Beacher, a pal of Rees, stuck up for his friend and said, "Donald Trump is a hypocrite. He lets one girl keep her crown who is a drug addict, but the girl who is a hot, fun party girl who enjoys other women has to be dethroned? I think her lifestyle is fun and amazing. Donald should really stop being so prejudiced against gay and lesbian people, like his fight with Rosie [O'Donnell.]" A rep for Playboy declined comment.
First of all why the hell would this chick turn down Girls Gone Wild for 25 grand? I don’t believe that for a second. This chick would suck a dick for a sawbuck and I’m supposed to believe she won’t host Girls Gone Wild? Please. Regardless, I love this story. Pretty soon it’s going to be mandatory that every girl in the Miss USA competition has to do Playboy. Donald Trump has already said that Tara Conner is talking with Playboy as well. You might as well just put it in the contract. But to be honest I’d much prefer to see Ms. Nevada host Girls Gone Wild than pose for Playboy. I just feel like things could get real ugly once you get a couple drinks in her. Plus she already showed her boobies to the world so the mystery is kind of gone there.
As I side note, I have no idea who this Jeff Beacher guy is, but I kind of like the cut of his jib. Anybody who comes to the defense of hot, fun party girls who enjoy other women is okay in my book. I couldn’t agree with him more that Ms. Neveda’s lifestyle is fun and amazing. Truer words were never spoken.
6. Mediatakeout.com – Yao Ming, who came to this country 4 years ago, is apparently a huge fan of hip hop and 1980s television shows. As the story goes, Yao first noticed Nia Long while watching the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air in his native China. Since arriving in the NBA, he's repeatedly tried to get the lovely actress to go out on a date with him. And last month Nia finally said yes.A friend of Nia's tells MediaTakeOut.com that the two have already been on a few dates and so far the sparks are flying.
Whoa, this is nuts. First of all, Yao is 7”6”. Nia Long is 5”2”. This means Yao’s ding dong is probably bigger than Nia Long’s entire body. Second of all, does Yao even speak English? This has to be the weirdest couple on the planet right now. Personally my sitcom crush belonged to Nicole Eggert. I know there are a lot of Alyssa Milano fans out there, but I’ve got to give the nod to Nicole. The thing that pushed her over the edge was her fine work in the movie Blown Away. If you haven’t seen this movie I feel bad for you. Not only did Nicole Eggert get naked in it, but it also featured both Corey Haim and Corey Feldman (the Corey Brothers) in their prime. It flat out doesn’t get much better than that.
7. Dlisted.com - Dina Lohanis a regular fixture on the NYC scene and regularly shows up in trampy outfits looking like a truck-stop ho. Anyway, Dina showed up to the Kobe Club in NYC the other night wearing boots and a mini-skirt.
Dina and her male date made several diners nauseous when they became very enamored with each other. A witness said, “The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes.”
Here is a question to ponder. Who would you rather bang? Lindsay Lohan or her mother Dina Lohan? I think this is a tough one. Now I know that Lindsay probably has the better body, but I think I’d still go with Dina. She’s like the definition of a Cougar. And I just got a feeling that Dina would punish you in the sack. She'd do things that you didn’t even know existed. Also, I’d be shocked if Dina hasn’t already slept with a couple of Lindsay’s former boyfriends. She just seems like the type of lady who is out to prove that she hasn’t lost her fastball yet and if that means fucking better and harder than her daughter than so be it. Yeah, count me in for one vote for Dina.
8. Inside Track - SCARLETT JOHANSSON’s crush onJustin Timberlakewas the real reason Cameron Diazditched her boyfriend of three years over the holidays, according toUs Weekly. Timberlake approached the busty beauty to play the femme fatale in his new $1 million video, “What Goes Around,” and Johansson jumped at the chance. “Scarlett has always liked Justin,” dished a source. “They’ve always had a flirtation - that’s why Cameron was threatened by her.” The “Charlie’s Angel” star was shocked, just shocked, that JT would cast Johansson behind her back, knowing how she felt about the actress. The source added that as soon as Diaz bailed, Timberlake and Johansson “got together.”
Oh man I love this chick! Scarlett Johansson is so hot and slutty I don’t even know what to do with myself. I’ll give credit to Cameron Diaz here. She knew she was outgunned, outmatched and outclassed so she just packed up her shit and headed south. Sometimes you just got to tip your cap to the pitcher and walk back to the bench.
9. Smoking Gun “Two women are suing NFL star Junior Seau, claiming that the future Hall of Famer drunkenly called them "female-specific profanities" and tossed drinks on them during a bar confrontation last year. The women, who are only identified as "Jane Roe #1" and "Jane Roe #2" in their January 8 complaint, charge that the 37-year-old linebacker "physically threatened and attacked" them last May at Side Bar, a popular San Diego nightspot. The Superior Court lawsuit does not detail what precipitated the alleged incident, though a footnote in the document does quote what Seau reportedly said to the Roes.
"Put your shirt on, your tits are too small!" he allegedly counseled Jane Roe #1. Jane Roe #2 allegedly received this fitness advice: "Get on a treadmill, you c--t!" The women also claim that Seau threw two drinks on them, "ruining Plaintiffs' clothing (and evening)."
First of all since when did Jane Roe become the new Jane Doe? Is this new?
Anyway, can’t the good people of San Diego just let bygones by bygones. Listen, Junior was a great player for the Chargers. A Hall of Fame player. But he moved on and now he’s with the Patriots. The same Patriots that are going to humiliate the Chargers on Sunday. Deal with it. And Junior isn’t even playing because he’s injured. Frankly I think it’s sort of petty to try and ruin his week by going and suing him. I mean if your tits are really small, then Junior is probably correct that you should keep your shirt on. And if you are fat then Junior is probably correct in saying that you should need to get on a treadmill. I don’t see what he’s getting sued for here. He didn’t say anything a personal trainer wouldn’t say.
10. Since the addition of Uncle Buck (Barstool’s newest blogger) to the Barstool Sports family, many Stoolies have noticed an increase in tits and ass appearing on the Barstool website. Not coincidently we have received the obligatory emails saying that the Stool is sexist and that we objectify women, blah, blah, blah. We even had “Dr. Degeneracy” launch a craigslist campaign to throw all our smut rags in the trash. Here is my whole take on this issue and if I can succinctly write what I am trying to say here then I probably deserve a Pulitzer. Anyway, I don’t think there is any difference between great athletes and great looking girls. In my mind they are both just freaks of nature. And they are both worshipped in our society for being freaks. Honestly, what’s the difference between being born with the ability to throw a fastball 98 mph’s or being born with an ass that won’t stop? Also, in both cases you need to develop your natural gifts or they’ll become useless. And just like how people have stereotypes of hot chicks, people have stereotypes of athletes i.e. stupid jock, stupid blond. But for some reason nobody ever accuses people of objectifying great athletes when you stick them on a cover of a magazine. You only hear that shit when you stick hot chicks on magazines. If you ask me it’s a total double standard and makes no sense. Why would anybody care that we think a girl is hot? How is that objectifying women? We’re not saying anything about her intelligence, personality or anything else. We’re just saying she’s a smoke show and love looking at her. If somebody thought I was good looking enough to be on the cover of a magazine and chicks said they wanted to bang me, I’d be totally cool with it.
11. Free Pete Manzo…
Free Pete Manzo…
Free Pete Manzo..
In a shocking development Barstool Sports blogger, Pete Manzo has been banned by his place of employment from accessing www.barstoolsports.com. I had to check the history books, but according to my records this is the first employee in the history of The Stool to have been banned by his real place of employment from working at his pseudo place of employment. I’m also pretty confident that this somehow violates the 5th Amendment. No word yet on the date that Barstool plans on picketing outside of Manzo’s office.
Free Pete Manzo…
Free Pete Manzo…
Free Pete Manzo..
12. MONUMENT, Colo. - A former high school basketball coach faces 39 charges for allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing them pornography and pouring water on his players then driving them to games in the winter with the windows rolled down.
Gregory Lynn Burr, 28, face charges ranging from sexual assault on a child by one in a position of trust to child abuse resulting in serious bodily injury, according to court documents reviewed by The Gazette of Colorado Springs. One of the students claims to have had scrotal surgery because of Burr's alleged assault.
A student in documents said Burr would ask them, "What is the capital of Thailand?" When they would answer "Bangkok," he would hit them in the groin.
In arrest records, some of the victims portrayed the incidents as Burr's misguided attempts at humor but said they kept quiet for fear of getting kicked off the team. One student estimated some of the players were hit in the groin 30-40 times.
Another said the blows occurred at every practice, with the coach hitting them with his hand, basketballs and tennis balls.
My question to you is who is really to blame here? Let me tell you this much; if my high school coach punched me in the balls I may let it slide the first 10 or 15 times, but after the 20th time I’d definitely complain about it. I’d also start guarding my package whenever the coach asked what the capital of Thailand was. It’s just common sense, right?
13. The following was posted on Craigslist last week;
Craigslist - The next time you passby a newsbox containing this smut, grab a bunch of copies and stick them where they belong. In the trash! The degeneracy will stop when their advertisers figure out there isn't anybody reading this crap! The editor couldn't handicap his way INTO Spaulding Rehab Center.
Hey wait a minute, I take offense to this! It’s one thing to say that I can’t handicap my way into Spaulding Rehab Center and it’s quite another to say it while capitalizing the word INTO. That’s just going overboard and frankly it hurts.
As a side note is there any doubt that this is the same dude who wanted to pay me $250 bucks an hour to discuss ways to increase circulation without using girls? Nobody uses the word degeneracy except this guy. I’ve got to give him credit where credit is due. It’s a great word. Regardless, I think I’m going to sue him. Those Stool’s in the trash are like worth 10 cents each.