Random Thoughts
1. USAtoday.com - A British man who suffered a head injury at work that resulted in a loss of inhibition and led him to use prostitutes and phone sex services received about $6.2 million in damages from his former employer, according to media reports.
"Stephen Tame, 29, had been married to Sarah, 30, for eight months when he fell from a gantry while working in a cycle warehouse in January 2002. Although he recovered from the accident after two years of treatment, the injury unleashed a libido that could not be kept in check," The Guardian reports. "Judge Michael Harris, awarding £3.166m damages, said Mr. Tame had misbehaved in the presence of women, watched pornographic videos and called phone sex lines. His loss of inhibition also led to him making embarrassing remarks and interrupting conversations."
Hmm, so let me see if I got this story straight. A guy takes a huge digger in a warehouse and lands on his head. The fall causes this guy to sleep with prostitutes and watch porn. Judge gives him 6 million in damages. U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! (By the way this story didn’t take place in the United States, but I couldn’t figure out how to end this blog.)
2. I wanted to comment on Paul Pierce’s Thanksgiving Dinner that he hosted for Single Moms this year. Now I know that Paul Pierce was raised by a single mother and this certainly seems like a noble cause, but man this is still a great gig. It certainly beats the hell out of donating your time at the local soup kitchen. This is an event that Big Ern McCracken could get behind. I mean you know that Pierce banged at least 3 of these single moms during the course of the Thanksgiving Dinner right? Let me put it this way; if I was a hot single mom and got invited to this event there is no way I’m not putting out to help little Johnny get a couple new toys.
3. According to a study conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, which is of course, as all Barstool readers are well-aware, a New York-based think tank that focuses on sexual and reproductive issues, 9 out of 10 Americans engage in premarital sex. Even your grandmother. She was whoring it up too. The study has been on-going for over 20 years and the Gutt, as those of us in the "know" call the Institute, interviewed over 38,000 adults, including 33,000, apparently very easy, females. Across every demographic, America is having premarital sex. And for whatever reason, the age of 44 appears to be the "oh, fuck this virginity crap, I'm going on AdultFriendFinder.com and ending this misery" last straw for abstinence fiends. 99% of those surveyed had sex by the age of 44. And it's not just today's godless heathen children with their Internet porn and celebrity skank role models that are bring down our nation's purity numbers. 88% of people born in the 1940's had premarital sex. Which is shocking because I don't know how you don't get laid if you're going off to fight the bloodthirsty Communists in Korea. That's just cold-hearted, Mabel. This information could change dating/hooking up/college/office Christmas parties forever. If having premarital sex is good enough for over 266,000,000 Americans, what kind of person holds out now? Someone who hates America, that's who. Have premarital sex or the terrorists win. God bless America.
4. Michelle Wie continued her impressive streak of making headlines without actually winning a golf tournament today by announcing that she is attending Stanford next year.
“I got an e-mail on Wednesday telling me the directions to find out online, with a password and pin code," she said. "I think they do that on purpose. They enjoy making people suffer for two days. I was counting down the days -- Friday at 1 p.m. was like doomsday. I was really stressed out. I had stomach aches, and Thursday I couldn't eat anything.” After a final exam Friday morning, she asked to be excused from English, bringing two friends to the computer lab to punch in the code and see if she had been accepted. "They screamed, I screamed, we were reading the letter out loud, and everyone gave us these weird looks," she said. Wie said two other students from Punahou also got into Stanford, while her best friends were accepted at Duke and Harvard."
Not really sure why Wie needs to go to college, but I’m sure it was a real sweat whether Wie was going to get in or not. It was either her or the ugly dork from the chess club for the last spot. And to be honest, I’m sick and tired of hearing about Wie. It’s time for her either to win a golf tournament or put out a sex tape. And seeing as she hung around with the fun squad in high school, I’m guessing a sex tape ain’t happening. So win a tournament or go away.
5. USA Today - A 50-year-old woman walked up to a sheriff's deputy last week and complained that a drug dealer had just sold her "bad crack," according to Florida's WJXT-TV. Eloise Reaves "told the deputy that a man in the parking lot had sold her bad crack. [Police] said Reaves then took the crack from out of her mouth and placed it on the trunk of the deputy's patrol car," the station reports. When a field test identified the substance as cocaine, "Reaves complained that it was wax and cocaine mixed, and that she wanted the deputy to make the man give her money back," police said. The man was searched and released. Reaves was charged with drug possession.
What the hell is this world coming too? Are you telling me that the lady got sold the waxy crack got arrested while the drug dealer who sold it to her got off scotch free? That’s bullshit. Listen, I don’t care what you do in life, but whatever it is you should do it to the best of your ability. If you want to sell drugs than be the best god damn drug dealer in the neighborhood. Be the guy that everybody wants to buy their crack from. But I can’t accept a drug dealer who sells bad product. That’s just totally unacceptable. Personally I think the crazy lady who got sold the waxy crack deserves the Purple Heart for having the courage to come forward in this one. It’s just another cruel reminder that in life the good guy doesn’t always win. As a side note, clearly this lady is clearly the most deranged person we’ve ever discussed on Barstool Sports.
6. In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he will not strip Tara Connor of the Miss USA crown for excessive partying and fucking.
"She left a small town in Kentucky and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York," Trump said. "It’s a story that has happened many times before to many women and many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple and they found out it wasn’t so easy."
Amen Donald. There is nothing better than a little country girl going nuts in the big city. But here are my two questions regarding this story. First, do you think Tara had to give The Don a quick beaner to keep her crown? And more importantly what is the over under until Tara Conner is back in the news for excessive partying? I’m setting the line at 2.5 months. Let the betting commence.
7. For the life of me, I can't understand why people feel the urge to climb mountains. Especially since every mountain in the world has already been climbed. Thousands and thousands of times. What's so exciting about being the 40th guy to climb Everest that week? The best case scenario for mountain climbers is losing four toes to frostbite, dropping thousands of dollars for equipment and travel and getting an out of focus snapshot on the summit. Worst case scenario is you freeze to death or fall off the mountain. That's it. There are no other options. Some of your extremities fall off or you end up dying. And people actually pay to do this?
Over the past week or so, the fate of three climbers lost on Mt. Hood has been all over the news. One of the climbers has already been found dead and Vegas isn't taking bets on the fate of the other two. Three guys climbing a massive mountain of ice and snow ended up dead or injured? Really. I can't imagine how that would happen. You're telling me that three guys trying to get to the top of a 11,249 foot mountain, a mountain that has claimed the lives of 100 climbers since the mid-70's and where temperatures drop by as much as 60 degrees in an hour, ran into trouble along the way? Impossible.
8. AMSTERDAM — Dutch women are getting bigger breasts and 32 percent of them now have a D-cup or bigger compared with 20 percent five years ago. In Europe, Dutch women are ranked third behind British and Danish women in terms of bra size, research commissioned by Bodyfashion Promotion indicated on Wednesday.Some 42 percent of women aged 30-39 have D-cup breasts and feel in general okay about that. Women with a large bra size are now the largest group in the Netherlands.”
The study concluded that the cause of this increased breast size is a miraculous, "Heroes"-like leap forward in human evolution. Naaah, it's just more fat in women's diets. So naturally, Massachusetts being a backwards-ass culture, State Rep. Peter Koutoujian (D-Waltham) is proposing a bill to ban trans fats altogether.
So while our enlightened, forward-thinking friends in the Netherlands are making huge advancements in breast enhancing medical science, the mouth-breathing knuckle draggers in the Mass legislature are trying to not only rob you of delicious fried foods, but shrink your girlfriends magnificent fun bags in the process. As a side note, round trip air fare from Boston to Amsterdam is $1131.
9. Boston.com - After a week-long interview process and a weekend of discussing staffing and other issues, Boston College has chosen Green Bay Packers offensive coordinator Jeff Jagodzinski as its next football coach, according to sources at the school. The 43-year old Jagodzinski will be introduced at a press conference on Wednesday.
A week long interview process? Thank god they took their time with this decision. The Superfans are just lucky they could get such a big name coach to come to the Heights on such short notice. Rumor on the street is that Jagodzinki picked BC over the head job at Martha’s Vineyard, pumping gas and unemployment. No doubt a great coup for BC.
10. I have an important announcement to make and it may come as a shock to many people. I know what restaurant has the best steaks in the city. Capital Grille you ask? Nope. Ruth Chris you ask? Nope. Grill 23 you ask? Nope. The best steaks in Boston are being served at Copia. Shocking right? Copia is where the old Meze used to be in Charlestown. And to be honest the only reason I went there is because a buddy of mine that I grew up with is the chef there. So right now you’re probably thinking that is why I’m saying this. But I’d never do that. And I don’t owe him anything because Copia is advertising in the Improper and not with us, which is a different story for a different day. The reason I’m telling you this is because I honestly had the best steak I’ve ever eaten in my life there. My buddy claims it’s because they cook it differently, but all I know is that it was unreal. I wouldn’t be doing my duty as El Presidente if I didn’t tell people about it.
As a side note, I’m always interested in getting restaurant reviews from our readers. So if you go somewhere new or cool or shitty and want to throw together a paragraph about it, we’ll post it on the blog. I’m always looking for new places to try so maybe this will help other people too. Not to mention the fact that maybe it will convince restaurants that 21-40 year old guy who work in the financial district not only read Barstool Sports, but spend money on restaurants. For some reason they don’t seem to put that connection together yet. Whoa, I got to be careful. I almost slipped into a rant today which is prone to happen when I call idiot advertisers who spend money in the coupon book which is Stuff@Night, but not with us. Oops, there I go again. Time to shut myself off.
11. I got a confession to make. I’m pumped to see Rocky V. (I don’t count the last Rocky as a real Rocky since he didn’t fight in the ring so this is Rocky V for me.) Anyway, as hard as it is to believe, it seems like this movie is somehow getting good reviews. Is that possible? Is there a chance that this thing is actually going to be good? And does it even matter? Rocky movies are like a Pavlov’s Dog experiment or something. All I need to do is hear the music and I start salivating. And let me just say this; I’m just about the easiest guy to entertain when it comes to boxing movies and underdog stories. In fact the only boxing movie that I didn’t like is that one where Wesley Snipes fights in jail. That one sucked. But as long as Rocky fights in the ring I can’t see myself hating it and that’s good enough for me.
12. It’s time for a good old fashioned rant so here goes nothing. I think rebates are a joke. Listen, if I need to pay $1,000 to walk out of the store with a computer then that’s how much the computer costs. I don’t want any slime bag salesman telling me the thing really costs 600 bucks because I can send in like 39 different rebates and get money back in 6 months. That’s bullshit. If you want to advertise that something is on sale, then be a man and put it on sale. Don’t try and get all cutesy on my ass with this little rebate game because I’m not buying it. Guys like me don’t use coupons and they don’t cut out little bar codes and send them all over the country. If something costs $1,000 bucks at the register that’s how much it costs. End of story. Anything else is just false advertising.
13. Britney Spears and her little sister went to the Lakers game last week and got booed out of the arena. This begs the question- what’s the deal with Jamie Lynn Spears? How old is she? Is it fair game yet to say naughty things about her? Or am I going to jail now? And when is she going to start doing shit?
I mean she has that rare combination of great looks and the Spears crazy gene, which makes for blog icons. And unlike her big sister she hasn’t gotten knocked up and turned ugly yet. It just seems like Jamie Lynn should have already exploded on the scene by now. I wonder what’s taking her so long. You know she’s crazy and it’s just a matter of time, but I’m getting impatient. El Presidente wants her to start slutting it up now.
14. Inside Track – Bronson Arroyo, aFenwayfan fave traded to the Cincinnati Redsearlier this year, was back in Boston last week making the rounds to promote his Jan. 13 gig at The Roxy. Tickets for the show are $20. And that’s with the hometown discount. The ex-Sox bullpen biggie’s promo tour today will take him toKISS-108, MIX 98.5andWBOS. It wraps up tonight in the Back Bay at the First Act Guitar Studioat 7 with a special concert for ’BOS listeners.
Hmm, do you think Bronson Arroyo wishes he was still in Boston? I actually kind of feel bad for the guy. You know that Boston is the only city where he can kind of make believe he’s a musician. And apparently The Roxy is buying whatever Bronson is selling. What’s the deal with charging 20 bucks for a ticket? That’s flat out highway robbery. Who is going to pay 20 bucks to see Bronson perform when you know he’s going to be playing for free in the Northeastern Dorms later that night? Regardless, this Bronson Arroyo World Boston Tour, begs the question of how long can he still act like he plays here? I gotta believe this is it. Although I’d bet every last penny I have that he’ll resign with the Sox when his contract is up so he can reclaim his rightful place as the king of the Boston cover bands.
15. One of the few advantages to being El Presidente is that I can do my holiday shopping during the week when everybody else is working. So the week before Christmas I went to the Braintree Mall or South Shore Plaza or whatever the hell it’s called. Anyway, I stopped in at the food court to buy some lunch and noticed that they had both a Sbarro Pizza and a Pizzeria Regina almost next to each other.
First of all, I thought this was against the Food Court Law. I’m positive I’ve never seen both of these places in the same food court. It’s like the Bloods hanging out with the Crips. It just makes no sense. But what really made no sense is that there was a line for Sbarro and no line for Regina. I was flat out shocked. I almost wanted to call my video guy and have him drive to the mall so we could do a documentary on what these people were thinking. You got to be mentally deranged to make that choice right? I feel like you’d never see this type of shit on the North Shore. Only a South Shore fool would pick Sbarro over Regina.
As a side note, why don’t malls have shopping carts to lug your shit in? The First Lady made me buy this wine refrigerator from Williams-Sonoma. The thing was huge. Combine that with all my other shopping bags and I could barely walk. It was miserable. I was sweating my ass off and it got to the point where little old ladies were asking me if I needed help carrying all my shit. And the thing is that I did need help, but I was too proud to take it. I had to make like seven pit stops on the way to my car and my arms are still burning today. The morale of the story is that malls should have shopping carts.
16. Well, I’d say that I had one of the most unusual exchanges in the history of my paper route last night. It happened on my last stop of the night in Kendall Square in Cambridge. As I was putting my last stack of papers into my last rack, a cab driver pulled up to me and rolled down his window. Here is our exchange. And keep in mind he was speaking some sort of language that I can only describe as cablish.
Cabbie – That’s the paper with the hot girls yes?
El Pres – Yup
Cabbie – That ass….
El Pres – Huh?
Cabbie – Oh what an ass….
El Pres – What are you talking about?
Cabbie – The girl from around Halloween with the ass on the cover.
El Pres – (silence for 10 seconds) Yeah, what about her?
Cabbie – What an ass! I know cabbies who were jerking off to her in the cab.
El Pres – Umm, thanks I guess?
Cabbie – (Cabbie high fived a guy in the back seat and drove away)
When the cab driver drove away I didn't know whether I felt violated or proud. I guess it's good that pictures of our girls can make cabbies jerk off, but I don't want to hear about it. And don't tell me they are jerking off in their cabs. That's freaking gross. But I guess if it had to happen, I'm glad it was to our girls. I think.
17. ABC.com - "It's supposed to say sweet things to little girls like, "You're a wonderful friend," but push its button the wrong way and the Little Mermaid Shimmering Lights Ariel doll may say something else — "You're a slut," according to a California mother whose allegation came to light in a newspaper report."
Listen, if I’ve learned one thing in my life it is that the doll never lies. If the doll calls you a slut then odds are that you’re a slut. Deal with it. The mother is just going to have to come to grips with the fact that her 3 year old daughter is a freak waiting to happen.
As a side note it sounds like the collectible doll market works a lot like the baseball card market. Therefore, the slut doll is going to be all the rage this Christmas.