Random Thoughts

1. I freaking hate Sprint. My cell phone died yesterday so I was forced to go to a Sprint Store to replace it. On the bright side, I knew going in that I'd leave frustrated. Sprint didn't disappoint. First of all, there was an hour line to contend with. Nothing like getting the customer in the right state of mind. Once it was my turn the fun really began. The first thing the clerk told me was that if my old phone had lasted another month my new phone would have only cost 25 bucks as opposed to 100. In other words, I got penalized for the fact that my phone was relatively new. I have no idea the logic behind this. When I responded by saying that this policy was "interesting" the clerk told me it was a "competitive industry" whatever the hell that means. The next part of the sale that irritated me was that phone I had picked out was advertised to be on clearance sale with instant savings of $100.00. Apparently, instant savings means mail in rebate at Sprint. And you are only eligible for the mail in rebate if you sign a new 2 year contract and upgrade your services so that your phone includes the ability to take pictures, surf the web and wipe your ass after you shit. As the conversation deteriorated, I decided it was time to just bite the bullet. I declined every "deal" they offered and paid the full price for my phone. I must be the only guy in the history of Sprint to do this. In the end I was forced to buy a new phone for $180.00, but I feel like I sort of left with my dignity in tact.

2. I have a question about that Florist shop in Faneuil Hall. How does it stay in business? I'm talking about the one that looks like a green house and is right in the middle of Faneuil Hall. That place is pretty big and I NEVER see anybody buying anything in there. The rent must be about a billion dollars a second. You'd have to sell an awful lot of flowers to turn a profit. This may officially be my new most suspicious place in Boston now that the Green Spot in Revere is out of business.

3. I got what I would classify as a surprising email this past Friday. It was from a sales guy at the Boston Phoenix seeing if I wanted to advertise Barstool Sports in their "Red Sox" opening day issue. This is what the email said;

"The Boston Phoenix is publishing a supplement for Red Sox Opening Day! It will be included in our regular distribution: 105,000 copies + 5,000 additional copies to be distributed to the Opening Day crowd Not only is this an opportunity to advertise Bar Stool Sports to almost 200,000 18 - 34 year olds . . . It is an opportunity to reach almost 200,000 Red Sox Fans! Full Page advertisers receive two Red Sox tickets! Because we are close to deadline, you can take $1000 off the Full Page and Half Page rates and $500 off the Quarter Page rate. The normal rates are $4,500.00 for a full page, $2,500 for a half page and $1,500.00 for a ¼ page."

Is the Boston Phoenix serious? Why would I advertise Barstool Sports in a hippie newspaper to reach sports fans? They must think I don't live around here or something. Regardless, it takes some balls for them to send me this email. I can't wait to see what idiot bar managers pay $4,500 dollars to advertise in this issue. This is what we call highway robbery. Although $4,500 does get you two Sox tickets and minority ownership.

4. I am a gigantic Project Greenlight fan. It's been one of my favorite shows the past two years. I think the reason I love it so much is that it is such a train wreck every year. The first two movies that resulted from the show were total bombs. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, it has gone from bad to surreal. Quite simply, John Gulager, the director of this year's film, is easily the wackiest character (I say character because he can't be real) in the history of the show. There is nothing that this guy could do or say that would surprise me. He looks weird. He acts weird. He is weird. I can't make up my mind whether I like him or hate him. I can't decide whether I think he will do a good job or is totally insane. What kind of guy wins a contest to make a million dollar movie for Dimension Films and will only cast family members in the key roles? Everything he does seems to indicate he has no idea what he is doing. But there is a part of me that thinks Gulager is so insane that he may create the most innovative movie of all time. I just don't know.

5. Did everybody hear about the big sting operation in Peabody, MA yesterday? Apparently, an adult video store may have violated city ordinances when a porn star gave more than her John Hancock to autograph-seeking fans. The X-rated actress allegedly stripped and posed for photos after Peabody police detectives entered the Video Warehouse on Route 1 to investigate a complaint about a store promotion and posed as customers. Hmm, these police officers must have been real disappointed when they got this assignment. Not exactly a high risk situation.

6. "A former top official of the Boy Scouts of America faces federal Internet child pornography charges and is expected to plead guilty Wednesday, a spokeswoman for the U.S. attorney's office said. Smith retired from the Boy Scouts in February after a 39-year career with the youth organization, based in suburban Dallas. The organization placed him on administrative leave after learning that he was under criminal investigation, and Smith stepped down soon afterward, BSA spokesman Greg Shields said." I don't know why but this story doesn't shock me at all. I always just kind of assumed that the people who ran the Boy Scouts had serious issues. But it does bring up a larger issue. At what age is it no longer acceptable to be a boy scout? If I had a kid I wouldn't want him in the Boy Scouts past the age of 8. After 8 years old all young boys should spend there free time playing wiffleball, tag football and basketball. There is no time for hugging trees.

7. I bought a Pepsi yesterday and won a free song from ITunes. (retail value 99 cents) Anyway, it did make me think quite a bit about what was the one song in the entire world that I wanted but didn't already have somewhere. My first choice was the Cruel Summer remix from Blue Crush. (Don't laugh until you've heard it) Unfortunately it was unavailable. My second choice was "It is Five O'clock Somewhere" from Jimmy Buffett which narrowly beat out "Brandy you're a fine girl" from Looking Glass. (Just when you think you have El Presidente figured out he throws you a curve ball) Anyway, in the end I didn't get any of the songs because I had to give my credit card information to redeem the free song and it wasn't worth it.

8. You know it's bad when I stop watching a reality TV show, but that is exactly what has happened with the Surreal Life. I haven't found the show interesting since the first season. However, that is about to change. VH1 just introduced next year's cast and it includes "America's Next Top Model" judge Janice Dickinson, former slugger Jose Canseco, Sandi "Pepa" Denton of Salt-N-Pepa, Bronson Pinchot from "Perfect Strangers," Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth from the first season of "The Apprentice," British model Caprice and motorcrosser Carey Hart. I've always said that Jose Canseco is one of the most entertaining players ever to wear a Red Sox uniform and I expect nothing less of him on the Surreal Life. Throw in Janice Dickenson and Balky from Perfect Strangers and this my friends is one potent cocktail.

9. This is the definition of a random thought, but I'd like to turn back the clock to a simpler time. A time when Mike Tyson's punch-out was the only thing that mattered in life. As a disclaimer let me say that I played this game so much growing up that I firmly believe I could knock out Tyson right now in my first try and I haven't played the game in years. (007-373-5693) Anyway, here is who I always thought were the best fighters. And yes this may be a full feature article in our next issue.

Toughest

Mr. Sandman - I just couldn't figure out those roll punches.

Tyson - 1 minute and 30 seconds of hell in the first round.

Bald Bull 2 - The Bull Charge was probably the most devastating combo in the game. Timing had to be perfect to get the gut shot in.

Super Macho Man - Don't be fooled by his greying hair. His super punch sometimes got the best of me.

Piston Honda 1 - Anybody who claims they beat Piston Honda One in the first 20 times they fought him are lying.

Easiest

Flamingo - Just a total farce.

Magic Tiger - Totally confused when you cover up against his magic assault.
Piston Honda II - I just expected more out of him the 2nd time around after having such a difficult time the first go of it.

Soda Popinski - I don't think I ever lost to Popinski except on purpose to see how he'd react and after watching him flex his pecks at me and drink his soda pop I never lost to him again.

King Hippo - Was incapable of throwing a punch as long as Little Mac was active.

10. Former Pittsburgh Steelers guard Terry Long has been indicted for fraudulently securing loans for a chicken-processing plant that he eventually burned to the ground for insurance money. Long, who played for Pittsburgh from 1984 to 1991, turned himself after the federal indictment was unsealed on Tuesday. Hmm, maybe Terry Long should be a writer on Arrested Development. I often wonder how they come up with such wacky ideas for the show, but they've got nothing on Terry Long. Securing loans for a chicken processing plant and then burning it to the ground for insurance money? A chicken processing plant? Who thinks of a scam like this?

11. I finally watched Perfect Upset on HBO last night. It was okay. My one question is why does HBO feel compelled to mention the Red Army in every single sports documentary they do? It doesn't matter what they're talking either. If it's on HBO you'd better believe we're going to see a picture of Russian Tanks and hear how the United States was in a Crisis of Confidence. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing that shit, but what it had to do with Hoya Paranoia I have no idea.

12. Well it appears I now know what my friends at the Boston Sports Review were doing over the past two months when they managed to publish ONE whole issue. They were saving their pennies to put a glossy cover on there paper. And this seals the deal. We are the polar opposite of the Boston Sports Review. They are boring and snazzy and we are ugly and exciting. I wonder if the BSR refunded their advertisers for the fact they skipped an entire issue. My guess is no.

13. Sticking with big news stories, the biggest caterpillar outbreak since the heyday of the gypsy moth is expected this spring along the Massachusetts coast, South Shore, Cape and some areas inland. In 1981 there were so many gypsy moth caterpillars, they stopped trains that couldn't get traction on hills because they were slippery. And this year is going to be close to it according to Charles Burnham of the state Department of Conservation and Recreation. Great. I freakin’ hate caterpillars. They give me the willies. My question is what are these dorks in the green industry going to do to protect us from it. I still vaguely remember what they told us to do back in 1981 and that was to put silver shit on the trees. That didn't do anything except make me feel like we were seconds away from being taken over by aliens. Can't we just spray ‘em with raid or something?

14. Did you hear the news? The Garden/Fleetcenter/Garden is hosting the 2006 NCAA Championship!!! Umm, the Women's National Championship that is. That blows. Did Menino lose a bet or something? Screw the Women's Final Four; I think we'd be a great city to host the real Final Four. We have a million bars right near the Fleetcenter for all the college kids to get smashed at and it would be a ton of fun. I actually think it's a slap in the face to host the Women's Final Four before actually hosting the Men's Final Four. What are we not good enough for the real thing? The rule should be that we'll accept the Women's Final Four if you give us the Men's one first.

15. Tip a 40 everyone, Morty Seinfeld has passed on. Creator of the beltless raincoat, impeached president of Del Boca Vista Phase III. He lived a long life. He hated showers with low water pressure. He detested the Constanzas and his wars with Jack Klompus were legendary. This is what we will remember him for...

16. I'm sick of hearing about this whole handshake fiasco that a bunch of students at the Meridian School in Acton, MA are proposing for the Sox vs. Yanks opener. Basically they want the Red Sox and Yankees to kiss and makeup with a handshake before the opening game”

"The Meridian School drew up the plan after school assemblies addressed sportsmanship. Students put together a PowerPoint show, and mailed and e-mailed it with letters urging team owners, managers and captains to support the opening-day shake. The PowerPoint show begins with an image of students saying, We look up to you. Fans and players are getting too worked up about what's just a game, the students wrote in their letter to baseball commissioner Bud Selig. The negativity and intensity is influencing children's sportsmanship after our own sports games.After children's sports games, we shake hands with the team we're playing. If kids can show good sportsmanship, then professionals can, too.Steinbrenner had an enthusiastic reaction to the plan, according to spokesman Howard Rubenstein."

Listen, this can not happen. It would be the stupidest thing in the history of baseball. We're supposed to hate the other guy. We finally beat the Yankees and now we have to act all kissy face. I didn't see anybody shaking Bill Lee's hand when he ruined his career after fighting Thurman Munson. Furthermore I could envision a scenario where John Henry goes to shake Steinbrenner's hand and the Boss pulls an old WWF move and backs away and gestures to the crowd embarrassing Sox fans everywhere. I repeat that this can't happen.

Reader Email

Email #1

Prez:

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. If my kid went to Meridian School in Acton MA I would pull him out over something so GAY! The only handshake I like seeing is the one after the Stanley Cup Playoffs......Incidentally; the Stanley Cup Playoff handshake produced one of the best sports quotes of all time. "After the 1997 Western Conference final, Detroit's Darren McCarty refused to shake hands with Colorado's Claude Lemieux, whose check from behind in the previous year's playoffs seriously injured Detroit's Kris Draper. 'The idea of shaking that assholes hand makes me puke' "

Curious in Beacon Hill

I still have nightmares once or twice a month thinking of Kris Draper's face after Lemieux smashed him into the boards. He should be the inspiration for the monster they need to create for Feast in Project Greenlight.

Email #2

I read about that ridiculous "Handshake Manifesto" that the Acton kids put forth to Tito and anyone who would read or listen to it. What are they putting in the milk in Acton? Sox-Yanks has never, EVER been about good sportsmanship. And what self-respecting Sox player would want a limp, insincere handshake from A-Rod, anyway? R.I.P., Morty. Del Boca Vista is a lesser community with your passing.

It's just such a stupid idea. Little kids get away with too much. People shouldn't tell these kids that they have good ideas just because they are little kids. This idea sucks and somebody should tell them that. These kids are going to grow up to be the type of people who get thrown in lockers in high school.