Random Thoughts
1. “Count me among the people that are fed up with the Patriots way of doing things. They take their best players and insist that they sacrifice themselves for the team. They demand commitment out of them but don't give them any in return. They make players sign long term contracts at below-market value, and then when the deals are up, they refuse to re-sign them and reward them for their loyalty. They did it with Lawyer Milloy. They did it with Ty Law. And David Patten, Willie McGinest, David Givens and Deion Branch. And they're doing it with Dan Koppen. They're making it so they've got a locker room filled with disgruntled guys who don't want to play here.”
Wait...wha? Th-they did what? They signed Koppen? To, what...a five year deal? And Koppen says what? That he's happy and he loves playing here? Oh. Never mind.
``I'm just really excited to be here," Koppen said ``I guess this is the goal of every NFL player...You do what's best for your team, try to win games, and everything else takes care of itself."
And for those of you *cough* Borges *cough* who think all the Pats do is take advantage of their players’ loyalty, the deal includes $7.5 million in bonuses, totals $20 million and runs through 2011. And I'll argue that with all due respect to Branch, the guy who handles every single snap and calls out the blocking schemes that keep Brady in one piece is more important than a guy who averages 4 catches a game.
And to the "nobody wants to play here" crowd, the Pats top six offensive linemen are now signed through 2009.
2. So last night I had one of those tough assignments that make my life so difficult. I had to go to a lingerie fashion show to scout the girls and pick which ones I wanted to appear in our Heaven and Hell fashion show at our Halloween Party. Sounds easy enough right? Well that’s what I thought until I stepped inside Underbar which is like stepping into some sort of time warp where everything I know and love ceases to exist. Has anybody besides me actually ever been to this place? I didn’t even know bars like this really existed in Boston. First of all, I couldn’t even figure out how to get into the place. It’s located in the bottom of another bar called Caprice. And apparently if you can’t figure out where to go then you don’t belong there in the first place, because the bouncers seemed insulted when you ask them how to get to Underbar. Anyway, once I got inside the music was so freaking loud that it gave me a sore throat 3 seconds after arriving. I know that doesn’t seem possible, but I’m telling you it happened. Not to mention the fact that the DJ looked so much like the DJ from Zoolander that I almost asked him for his autograph. And the weirdest thing is that I didn’t recognize one song that he played. Everything was in a different language but people acted like every song was Born In the USA. I mean everybody knew the words to every song and would go crazy when a new one began. And the guys, they danced their asses off. I’m not talking about grinding and shit like that. They were doing some sort of samba or something. It was nuts. I don’t even know where all these people came from. I just kept asking people if they knew the score of the Mets game to see what type of reaction I’d get. And it was so loud I’d need to lean in and scream in their ear “You know who won the Mets game?” Needless to say nobody knew the score.
3. We have an upcoming “Wicked Halloween” Party. If you missed the White Party this is your chance to stop kicking yourself in the ass for it. We’re trying to blow this thing out. It is Friday, October 27th at Hurricane O’Reilly’s. It is a private party so you do need to be on our list to get in. Also, you need to be in costume. (Let all the whining commence about guys who don’t want to get dressed up blah, blah, blah) Well guess what, it’s a small price to pay to look at all the smoke show girls that will be dressed up in sexy Halloween attire. And yes there will be plenty of smoke shows there, I guarantee it. Also, I always feel like if you have a mixed bag of dressed up people and non dressed up people it’s lame. Okay moving onto the fun part. There will be a Bud Light reception at 8pm. There will also be a heaven and hell lingerie fashion show as well as $500.00 bucks for the Sexiest costume. If you’d like to go to this party you must RSVP to wickedhalloween@barstoolsports.com and tell us what you plan on being. You will get a confirmation email if you are invited. Also, all invites are +1 unless you specifically ask for more and we confirm that with you. We just don’t want a group of 10 dudes showing up with no girls. We’re trying to keep a nice even mix of the genders. Here is the website with all the information. www.barstoolsportswickedhalloween.com. Get used to reading this because I may post it every single day until the party. It will be the Halloween Party of the year for sure!
4. The hottest celebrity trend of the moment: adopting Africans. First Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopted a little girl from Ethiopia. And now Madonna has adopted a little boy from Malawi. A little boy whose father is still alive. But that's neither here nor there. Now, the little Malawi has to brush up on his kabbalah and fake British accent and he'll fit right in with Mr. and Mrs. Madonna.
Adopting Africans is a celebrity fad I can get behind. And I want in.
Which is why I just sent this letter to Celtics' center Michael Olowakandi who is Nigerian:
Dear Michael,
My name is Jamie and I'm a white American. Like many other white Americans, including beautiful ones like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, I feel a burning desire to make a difference in the lives of you pitiful Africans. And like those other famous people, I feel that the best way to help the "dark continent" is not by using my considerable personal fortune to help thousands if not millions of poor Africans. That's too boring and, quite frankly, what do I get out of that deal? Bupkis.
Instead, I've decided that the best thing for Africa and me is for me to adopt one very lucky African. And I want that African to be you.
It may be scary assimilating into American society. And my racist dog may bark at you when you first move in. But I promise you that your life will be much better off with me as your Dad.
I'm sure that when you were growing up in Nigeria and hunting lions that you always dreamed of being adopted by a random white American. Well, Michael, that dream is about to come true. I'll pick you up after your next practice and show you around your new home. It's a 700 square foot apartment with running water and central air conditioning- looks like you'll be moving from the outhouse to the penthouse, though I guess from the mud hut to the penthouse is more accurate. I'll see you soon.
Hakuna Matata,
Dad
5. There was a bit of controversy last night at the inaugural night of trivia. (Pretty good turnout by the way. Thanks to all the people who showed up) Anyway, Barstool Writer extraordinaire Jamie Chisholm tried to name his trivia team “Cory Lidle still had a better October than A-Rod” which I thought was brilliant. Unfortunately the trivia gods deemed this inappropriate and censored his team name to A-Rod sucks. I think this is the first time in the history of trivia that a team name has been censored. Anyway, this raises the question whether it’s okay to make fun of Corey Lidle. I am firmly in the yes camp. Obviously it sucks for him and his family that he flew his plane into a building. I wish his family nothing but the best moving forward. If I could have prevented the crash I would have done everything I could have done to stop it. But it sucked for the Crocodile Hunter too when that Stingray wiped the floor with him and everybody was making jokes about that. I don’t see what the difference is. Now I’m not saying somebody should build a stand up routine around the crash, but throwing out a one liner here and there is fine by me. Shit happens in life and people make fun of it all the time. The bottom-line is that any time a professional athlete bangs a left on Madison Avenue and flies his plane into a building, jokes are fair game. There is no doubt that it is a tragedy, but people die all the time and this one was certainly newsworthy and joke- worthy.
6. My buddy Brink just reminded me that today Michelle Wie turns 17. Some months ago I ripped Skip Bayless a new a-hole for writing a piece about her that was so full of lust, he might as well told us he whips up a batch thinking about her every night. Which raises some philosophical questions:
How old is old enough for Barstool? What is the proper minimum acceptable age for us to post cheescakey pictures of someone? It's skeevey to ogle a high school girl who lives on your street, but can we have a different standard for celebrities than we do for real girls, the way nightclubs in Hollywood let underage kids drink so long as they're famous?
I think I'm leaning toward a cutoff age of at least 18. I think if you're old enough to fight for your country, you're old enough to show cleavage to the 'Stoolies.
7. I really miss the AFC East the way it was a few years ago. I mean, the Patriots should still go 6-0 and have the division wrapped up by Chanukah, but I liked it more when the other teams not only sucked, but were all being run by buffoons. You had Dave Wannstadt in Miami, who might as well been wearing a red rubber nose and giant shoes. You had whatever bum-of-the-month was running the Bills. But mostly you had Herm Edwards. Lord how I miss Herm Edwards. Here's something from his latest press conference. He was talking about...what? I have no earthly idea...
"You gotta stop the fire and we stopped the fire. And once we stopped their fire we made it a game and that's what you gotta do you gotta keep playing. Ya just eeeeehhhhh...Sometimes you go the prom and your prom date's late. But you're still going to the prom, allright? She's getting her corsage ready, or her dress ain't right, you gotta you gotta waaaait. Relax. It's OK. Don't don't don't get nervous. And people do that. They get panicky..."
Then we went on to say something about his football team, but I couldn't understand that part, because it had nothing to do with fires and proms.
8. The big news of the weekend was that my boy, Jimmy Buffet, was busted in a French airport with 100 Ecstasy pills in his luggage.
“Buffett who was on his way to chill out in the ritzy resort town of St. Tropez, was detained, but not arrested, and allowed to go free after paying a fine of 300 euros - about $380. That prompted one local newspaper editorial to term the slap-on-the-wrist punishment "a small amount for a man who makes $70 million a year."
I’m borderline shocked about this story. It’s not that Jimmy was trying to smuggle drugs with him on his vacation, but rather that his drug of choice was ecstasy? It seems like Jimmy should strictly be a weed type of guy. I don’t see him going to raves and waving glow sticks all over the place. I haven’t decided yet whether I think this helps or hurts his image or it’s just a draw. If he got busted with pot his street credibility would have gone through the roof. But I’ve never heard him sing about Ecstasy so I think this time we both lose Johnny.
9. Boston.com - It took more than 15 police officers from four departments to quell a violent brawl at a Salem State College dance overnight that sent two people to the hospital with stab wounds, police said.
Both of the people who were stabbed are expected to survive, according to Salem State College Deputy Police Chief Shane Rodriguez. Police are still piecing together details from what they described as a chaotic scene, but at least eight people were arrested, including two Salem State students.
The fight broke out around midnight inside a gym where 500 people were at a school dance. Police said the original dispute appears to have been between two people: David E. Johnson, 24, of Stoughton, and Carlin Rigaurd, 23, of Hyde Park.
The only reason I posted this story is that it struck me as strange that Salem State has dances in their gymnasium. That seems kind of Junior High doesn’t it? I’ve never heard of a college having a dance before. And I’ve been in the SSC gym before. In fact, I played one on one against NBA player Rick Brunson a long time ago with my bare feet because somebody stole my sneakers out of my locker while I was swimming.) Anyway, I don’t see that being a great venue for a dance. I wonder if all the boys stood on one side and all the girls stood on the other until people started getting stabbed?
10. I’ll admit I was kind of amused by the fact that the World Cup trophy somehow made its way to the North End last week. It sort of reminded me of when Ray Borque brought the Stanley Cup back to Boston. Both trophies had no business being celebrated here. I’ve already made it explicitly clear that I think it is a joke that the North End thinks that they won the World Cup because Italy won the World Cup. There is no way they would have been as excited had America won the thing even though 99% of people living in the North End are American citizens. Like I said before you need to root for whoever you’d fight for in a war. Therefore, I thought it was hilarious when I read today that the trophy in the North End wasn’t even the real thing, but rather just a replica of it. Ha! And the best part is that this seems to have spoiled a lot of these soccer hooligans fun.
"The news disappointed North Enders - including Strega owner Nick Varano, who appeared in yesterday’s Inside Track column holding the trophy adoringly as throngs of people who tried to set eyes on the statue outside his Hanover Street restaurant were turned away because of the crowds.
“I guess we were duped,” Varano said last night. “We were told it was the actual World Cup, the solid gold World Cup. I’m sick over it.”
And this leads me to the million dollar question. Do you think Manzo was able to spot the rat? I’m sure he was in the North End trying to get a glimpse of this thing.
11. I’ve never been an ER fan. In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve seen more than two episodes since it’s been on the air. But I couldn’t help notice that John Stamos has joined the cast this season. Hmm, don’t you think it’s time to throw in the towel when John freakin Stamos gets hired for the show? ER is like a boxer who keeps fighting way past his prime and ends up with severe brain damage. And where is your pride Stamos? I mean talk about a day late and a dollar short? This show was popular in the mid 80’s for god sakes. At what point is enough enough? I wonder if there anybody left on ER from the original cast? If there is that must suck. In other TV news, I love Heroes. It’s my favorite new TV show.
12. Maxim Online did an interview with professional athletes asking them what they hate most about sports. Most of the answers were pretty much run of the mill stuff. But I did get a kick out of Derek Fisher’s response to what he hates the most about sports in general;
Derek Fisher, PG Utah Jazz: The exploitation of an individual's God-given abilities.
Huh? I will give a free Barstool Sports hat to anybody who can rationally explain this answer to me.
By the way kudos to Sportsbybrooks.com for finding this nugget.
13. I want Randy Moss on the Patriots. I don't care that he's a douchebag. I don't care that he may be high the entire time. I don't care that he's had a few brushes with the law. Because he's not going to be driving school buses or running a nursery school or chaperoning slumber parties. He's going to be catching touchdown passes from Tom Brady and you don't need to be on the path to sainthood to do that.
Sports Illustrated's Don Banks writes that New England could be one of the top contenders for Moss if the Raiders decide to trade him in the next few weeks. Moss hates Oakland, hates Art Shell and hates the Raiders' offense. There is no question that he wants out. The only question is whether or not Al Davis is senile enough to realize that he's not winning with Moss now, isn't going to win with him in the near future and needs draft picks to start rebuilding his putrid franchise.
And what team has two first round draft picks to play with? Your very own New England Patriots. Obviously, the Pats aren't trading two #1's for Moss but it gives them more flexibility than almost every other potential trading partner. Oh, and all the cap money that the Pats have? Yeah, that's going to help out too. Here's what one NFL exec says about the possibility of Moss suiting up for the Pats:
"You can't dismiss it, because at this point in his career, Moss is a veteran player who wants to win and wants to be successful. He already has his money. He wants to get a ring, and he knows he isn't going to win that in Oakland. Can he come into that situation in New England and fly right? The Patriots have shown with Dillon what they can do with a perceived malcontent. How much different was Dillon in Cincinnati than Randy in Oakland? Plus, a good receiver wants to know who his quarterback is, and who's getting him the ball? He's going to get the ball with Tom Brady as his quarterback, and he knows that.''
If Oakland is willing, the Patriots could make this work. They have the draft picks and the cap space. They have team leaders in Brady, Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi who will help Moss understand how things work in Foxborough. Brady to Moss? Yeah, that could work.