If El Pres Ruled The World
Before you start reading this article let me just say that I’ve been debating writing this thing for a couple of months now. And every time I think about it I feel like it’s going to suck so I decide against it. But I’m flat out of ideas for this issue so I have no choice. Therefore, if it sucks I apologize in advance. (It’s all about managing expectations here at the Stool) Anyway after that tremendous introduction here are the rules I’d institute if I ruled the world.
1. No Construction in the Morning
I’m sure we have a lot of construction workers who read the Stool. And I respect the hell out of them. But there is no group of people I hate more than construction workers when they start banging away at 7am in the morning. I’ve always been a firm believer that if you want to do construction in the morning you need to get a permit from everybody that lives in the area. It’s just not fair to wake somebody up with hammering and shit like that at the crack of dawn. Now I realize that there certain times in life when shit needs to be fixed and built and stuff like that. Well, under my watch construction can only happen from 11am-8pm unless people in the area sign a release form allowing it to start earlier.
2. Anything that is Legal in Vegas is Legal Everywhere
This law seems like an absolute no-brainer to me. I mean how can any rational thinking person justify that just because you cross over a state border you can suddenly allowed to gamble on sports, bang prostitutes and drink nonstop? It just makes no sense. If a chick wants to fuck as her profession she shouldn’t be forced to live in Vegas. It’s Unconstitutional. It’s Un-American. Bottomline is that if something is legal in one place it should be legal everywhere
3. Snow Days Count in the Real World
Ah, snow days. Sweet, sweet snow days. Was there anything better back in school then when you got a snow day? The natural endorphins that are released when you hear your school’s name called on the radio was enough to get you through the rest of the month. “No school in Scituite…Swansea (deep breathe)….… Swampscott!” But unfortunately after you graduate high school, snow days cease to exist. Not only is this bullshit but it makes no sense. I mean most kids live within a couple of minutes of their high school. Meanwhile most working stiffs need to commute at least 45 minutes to work. If anybody should get the day off because of a snow storm it should be the people with the longer commute. Now I’m not trying to steal snow days from kids in school, but it should apply to everybody. Imagine how much easier the winter would be to get through if you mixed in a couple snow days. No work at Saks….Smith Barney….State Street Bank.
4. The Siesta is Universal
I don’t know if I have a disease or something but right around 1:30 or 2pm everyday I just about pass out from exhaustion. So I generally do what all the employees of the Stool are encouraged to do whenever they get tired and take a nap. As it turns out Barstool Sports is the only American company that employs the siesta technique. But in many other foreign/3rd world countries the Siesta is a way of life. People eat lunch and then take a quick doze to recharge the batteries. This should not only be an option in the US, but the rule. Being tired sucks and under my watch we’ll eliminate tiredness in the world. Not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure corporate America will get more production out of their employees if they are rested, even if it means they work less hours. I mean look at Pete Manzo. He only blogs for us like twice a month, but they’re generally pretty freaking good when he does.
5. The Day After the Super Bowl is a National Holiday
The Super Bowl may be one of the biggest annual events in the United States. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a football fan or not, everybody watches it and lots of people go to Super Bowl parties. And one thing I’ve noticed over the years is that it always seems to fall on a Sunday Night. You know what that means right? Yup, you got to be up at the crack of ass the next day for work. It’s bullshit. The day after the Super Bowl needs to be a national holiday. It just makes no sense to ask people to go out and party on Sunday night and expect them to be ready for the work week. My job as El Presidente would be to put people in a position to succeed and giving them the day off after the Super Bowl will help that cause.
6. Sexual Harassment at Work is Legal
I’m not sure if this rule came out the way I wanted it to. Now for all you perverts out there who are running to the voting booths to write my name on the ballet, just calm down for a second. I’m not talking about touching and grabbing asses and shit like that. I’m talking about legalizing basic flirting and sexually suggestive comments at work. I just feel like the work environment is so boring that if people were actively trying to get laid and were allowed to act just like they would at a bar it would be much easier to get through the day. And regardless of gender isn’t that what everybody is trying to do in the first place?
7. Stewardess on Airplanes Need to Be Hot
I feel like back in the day it was automatic that all airline stewardesses were smoke shows. Somewhere along the way this changed. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw a real hot stewardess on one of my flights. What gives? Isn’t this the whole point of having a stewardess on the flight to begin with? It can’t be just to give me a bag of pretzels that has two pretzels in it right? And for all the ladies who read the Stool I have no problem having a few hot dudes for you to look at either. We’re all about equal opportunity here at the Stool. But the bottomline is this. I pledge to fly on any airline that has hot chicks and personal TV’s for the rest of my life. I’ll even fly a couple times a year when I have nowhere to go. And people wonder why the airline industry is hurting? Dude, hot chicks put asses in the seats. Just look at the Stool.
8. Install A College Football Playoff System
It’s so sad that I even need to include this on my list. I mean, come on. The government gets involved in the steroids scandal in baseball, but they can’t change the College Football Bowl system? That’s just crazy talk. And there isn’t a doubt in my mind that way more people care about the lack of a playoff system in college football than they do about steroids. In fact, I’m guessing that if one of the candidates for President used this as their platform they’d probably win by a landslide. I know it would get me off my lazy ass to vote for the first time in my life. There is just no rational reason why there isn’t a playoff system. In fact if I was an alien thinking about invading a planet, I’d pick earth just based on the fact that human beings must be the stupidest people in the universe if they can’t even figure out how to institute a college football playoff system.
9. Messing With Barstool Sports Newsracks gets you the Death Penalty
You had to know this one was coming right? I mean this is like the 349th straight article that I’ve somehow managed to whine about my news racks getting messed with. But this really would be a law under the El Presidente regime. Anybody who was caught messing with one of my newsracks would be killed on the spot and then hung from the rack with a paper stuffed in his mouth Million Dollar Man style. I feel like we’d only have to kill about 10 or 15 people before everybody got the message that I was playing for keeps.
10. Professional Sports Teams Are Made Up of Guys That Are Actually From that City
I’ve had this brilliant idea bouncing around in my head for years. How great would it be if pro sports teams were made up entirely of guys from their particular city? I mean imagine if the Red Sox were all local guys who played at different high schools throughout the state? How awesome would that be? Now the haters out there are going to say that states like California would always win. But just look at the staff the Sox would have: Tom Glavine, Brian Rose, Jeff Juden, Ken Hill, Tanyon Sturtze, etc. I mean who is going to compete with that? And you might as well pencil in Lou Merloni in at the 3 hole right now. Hmm, on second thought maybe I would tinker with this law and allow for a degree of regionalization. But the idea would be the same. The best local guys make up your professional team. Freaking brilliant.
11. National Standardization of Fantasy Stats
This one is almost as bad as not having a college football playoff system. We need to standardize how people keep score in fantasy sports and we need to do it now. I’m sick and tired of listening to people talk about how they scored 345 points last week in fantasy football. Everybody knows that’s impossible unless you’re using some sort of antiquated and ridiculous scoring method. There is only one way to figure out who truly is the best fantasy player in the world and that’s to have everybody playing by the same rules. And while we’re at it let's come up with a standard set of rules for Beirut as well. Can you blow or not? I mean let’s sit down and figure this shit out.
So there you have it. The 11 things that I’d change if I ruled the world. If I forgot anything feel free to send them to me at elpresidente@barstoolsports.com. But just as a head up- I really don’t check that email address anymore. Anyway hope the article didn’t suck too bad.