Predictions for the 2005 NFL Season
*At some point this season, some wide receiver will catch a touchdown pass, then do a dance in the end zone to celebrate. The refs will penalize him. The NFL will fine him. Football writers will pen angry columns about how his actions are an outrage. On the pre-game shows, pundits will say “When you get in the end zone, you should act like you’ve been there before.” Michael Irvin will weigh in, possibly saying that NFL stands for “No Fun League” and maybe say how the player is just adding some “flava” to the game, but no one will truly understand what he said.
*“T.O.” will replace “the” as the most commonly used word in the English language.
*Aliens will invade the Earth in order to enslave the human race, but we‘ll defeat them in battle. The Earthlings will be led to victory by Bill Belichick, who had been anticipating the invasion for months. We’ll discover that Belichick had been studying film of the aliens and knew their weaknesses. When asked about how he did it, he’ll say, “Well, obviously, I’m pleased with the result. This was a big win for our species. I thought we did some things better than others. There are still some areas where we can improve.”
*The Yankees will sign Rohan Davey.
*Bill Parcells will emphatically deny reports that he intends to retire after the season.
*Tom Brady will win his third Super Bowl MVP, host the Oscars and deliver the State of the Union Address. He’ll also appear in a photo spread for “S&M and Bondage Magazine” wearing a ball gag in his mouth, a biker hat, a dog collar and assless leather chaps. Afterward, a slightly embarrassed Brady will admit “It’s been a long day; the fellas have been giving me a lot of ribbing about this.” His popularity will continue to soar as every player on the team says Brady is still just “one of the guys.”
*The following headline will appear: “Bledsoe Turnovers Lead to Cowboys’ Loss”
*Immediately after the season, Parcells will retire, saying “This is it, I‘m through” and “I don’t want to hear that Parcells is thinking about coming back” and “My coaching days are over. Period.”
*The Colts will again lose to the Patriots in the playoffs. At the NFL’s Competition Committee meetings, coach Tony Dungy will propose a rule penalizing “conduct detrimental to the Colts offense.”
*Cardinals QB Kurt Warner will lead the NFL in fumbles and interceptions, prompting God to announce that He’d prefer it if Warner would stop talking about Him.
* Drew Rosenhaus will announce that Terrell Owens has walked out of Eagles’ camp. T.O., he’ll say, is outraged over the fact that his mother is still without a soup commercial contract.
*The Detroit Lions’ roster will consist of QB Joey Harrington, RB Kevin Jones, and 51 wide receivers.
*ESPN’s bizarre obsession with the QB of the Falcons will finally go too far as Paul McGuire begins publicly calling himself “Mrs. Michael Vick” and Joe Theismann is caught in Vick’s kitchen, boiling his family’s pet bunny.
*And like his older brother Michael, Virginia Tech QB Marcus Vick will be sued by a young woman who claims he gave her herpes. The lawsuit will allege that the younger Vick seduced her using the alias “Ron New Mexico.”
*A Patriot player will say that Hurricane Katrina “really puts things in perspective.” The next day, he’ll be cut from the team and Scott Pioli will say “We look for players that make football the top priority in their lives.” The Pats will then replace him with an undrafted rookie free agent out of Tulane who rode out the flood on the roof of his house, surviving on nothing but roof shingles and a playbook on the Cover-2 defense.
*Stuart Scott will break the single season record for calling people “Dawg,” previously held by Randy Jackson on “American Idol.”
*The United Way will air a series of commercials that feature Rickey Williams working with glaucoma patients, bringing them with supplies of medicinal marijuana.
*The San Francisco 49ers, stung by criticism that they’re insensitive to the city’s homosexual population, will open a section in the stands specifically geared toward gay fans. Based on the Oakland Raider’s “Black Hole,” the 49ers will call their special section “The Glory Hole.”
*On “NFL Primetime” Chris Berman will say “…and Jake “Show Me the Way to” Delhomme is SACKED! by Vince “Drive for a Mile or so and the Road” Wilfolk! FUUM-BLLLE!!!…Wait…Hold on…I’m sorry…I…I can’t do this shtick any longer…I apologize. I just finally realized that my act has been played out for a long time, and now I’m just embarrassing myself. Good night. I have to go home and reevaluate my life. I’m sorry. Truly I am.”
*Rookies Ronnie Brown, Craig Benson and Pacman Jones will all get injured, thus proving the Thornton Football Theorem: Rookies + Long Holdout = Injured Reserve.
*Green Bay will squeak into the playoffs. In his last NFL game, Brett Favre will throw 6 interceptions and the Packers will lose by four touchdowns. After the game, firefighters will need the jaws of life to pull Favre out of the arms of a sobbing, hysterical John Madden.
*A former U of Miami player will be arrested for OUI, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and A&B on a police officer. He will proclaim his innocence, calling the incident “a misunderstanding.” Months later, he’ll plead guilty to all charges.
*Titans QB Steve McNair will miss a week of practice. He will be listed as “doubtful” for the game on Sunday. All week long, people will speculate as to whether he’ll play. On game day he’ll take the field to a standing ovation. TV announcers, fans and teammates will praise his courage and toughness for overcoming his injury: a shaving cut.
*Randy Moss, Jeremy Shockey, Sean Taylor and Terrell Owens will be the nominees for the first annual “Preparation H Perfect Asshole of the Year” award.
*The Patriots will go to the Super Bowl where they’ll be 17 ½ point favorites. Everyone in America will predict the Pats will cover the spread, with the exception of one 14 year old boy who’ll pick the NFC team on his personal web page. After the Pats victory, Rodney Harrison will say “No one believed in us! Nobody! They all said we couldn’t do it! We shocked the world!!!”
*In 2007, Parcells will return to coaching.