The Pope Is A Loser
The Pope is coming to America but doesn't plan to visit Boston.
Ipso facto, the Pope is a fucking loser.
Maybe it's that whole "meek will inherit the earth" horseshit Pope Benedict is wont to throw around from time to time but what's the point of visiting the United States of America, if you're not going to spend a few days in Titletown? Coming to America and not visiting Titletown is like going to Ledyard, Connecticut and not stopping at Foxwoods. You take the time, effort and collection plate money to come all the way to the States and then you pass up the chance to see the one place that actually matters? Your Holiness, with all due respect, if you really wanted to see evidence of God's grace on earth, you would go to Gillette and watch Tom Brady and Randy Moss mutilate opposing secondaries. Instead you'll be saying Mass in front of 50,000 tubby guys in Joba t-shirts, Rudy Giuliani and his whorish wife and ARod and his big-dicked mistress.
Infallible, my ass.
The spin from the Holy See is already in full effect. Boston's Catholic clergy sex abuse scandal is being thrown around as a big part of the reason for the Pope not visiting. Let's get one thing straight about the Catholic Church's sex abuse scandal-- Boston kicked ass at that too. Maybe that's not politically correct to say but I can't let the Vatican's spin go unchallenged.
Yes, Boston was the epicenter of the clergy abuse scandal which eventually spread to basically every single diocese in the country. And yes, the stories that emerged were gut-wrenchingly horrible. And yes, it was so unseemly and despicable that our Cardinal fled to Rome to avoid getting kneecapped. Are you fucking surprised? This is Boston, baby. It's go big or go home.
This isn't 20th Century Boston. Back then if a clergy sex scandal had been exposed in the city it would have been some yawner and a week later New York and Los Angeles would have had these kickass priest sex scandals that blew Boston's out of the water. But this is 21st Century Boston. If there is even the slightest hint of competition, we're winning. So, when it came time for a clergy sex scandal to emerge, you better believe that the Boston diocese was going to lead America in whackjob, lunatic, pedophile priests.
By omitting Boston from his 2008 US Tour schedule, the Pope is obviously trying to avoid cities that reek of Championships, like Boston, home of the 2002 Clergy Sex Abuse winners. Instead, he seems determined to visit cities whose people's faith, if not their very belief in the existence of God, is wavering as never before.
So naturally, he'll be visiting New York City and Washington, D.C.
Does the Catholic Church even want to stay in business? Are they even trying anymore? Or have they just decided that it was a pretty good 2,000 years and are now content to just play out the set?
Pope Benedict in Fenway Park, tossing around the ol' Communion wafer. Beckett does the first reading. Kills it. Dropkick Murphys do the responsorial psalm. Kills it. Big Papi does the second reading. Kills it. Pope does the Gospel. Manny handles the homily. Kills it. Communion. Bullpen band handles the music. Papelbon closes with a lights-out communion meditation. Game over. People the world over associate Catholicism with the World Champion Red Sox. Churches are packed again.
Or maybe the Pope goes to Gillette. Belichick handles the gameplan. Everybody's thinking the Pope will play a straight, "it's been working for two millennia, if it ain't broke, don't fix it" Mass. But Belichick switches it up on them. Instead of a vanilla Catholic Mass, Belichick gets creative. Why go first reading-second reading-Gospel? That's the run-run-pass of religious ceremonies. This isn't Art Shell calling the Pope's plays. Belichick radios in the Gospel to start but keeps the Pope on the sideline. Has Brady do the Gospel to open the Mass. People aren't even in their seats and the highlights are already starting. Moss follows with the homily. The linebacking corps handles the readings. And then Belichick shuts off the lights in the stadium and makes the crowd watch film of the Mass. You get one of the coach's questions right and you get communion because only winners get the body of Christ.
Those two scenarios are 1A and 1B in the How to Build a Kickass Religion handbook. Trust me, now that the Catholics botched this every Jew, Sikh, Muslim, Hindu, Zoroastrian, Scientologist, Buddhist and Mennonite around is going to be clamoring to get on the Titletown bandwagon.
Instead the Pope is going to end up in a group photo with Mike Mussina, Stephon Marbury, Eli Manning and Chad Pennington. Nice job, Vatican. That's the way to put butts in the seats.
What sort of message does this send to all those little Catholic kids around the world? Don't try hard? Be a loser like the Washington Nationals? Be a tattletale like Eric Mangini? Be an embarrassment like ARod?
It's one thing for the Catholic Church to be out of step with America's social mores; people can still rationalize away all their abortions, affairs, divorces and homosexual experimentation in college. But it's an entirely different thing for the Catholic Church to be out of step with Boston's infectious championship magnetism. There's no rationalization. The Pope has a chance to come to Titletown. He doesn't. Because he hates winners? Because he hates success? Because he hates talented people making the most out of their God-given abilities?
Your Holiness, ask yourself What Would Jesus Do? You and I both know that JC would be in Titletown, checking in with His Father's most favored people.
Pete Powers