People I Don't Trust III
Guess what time it is ladies and gentleman? It’s time for our 3rd installment of “People I Don’t Trust.” (Insert the soundtrack for the final countdown now) This of course is when I make sweeping generalizations about different groups of people and why I don’t trust their asses. For those who haven’t read the previous two installments of this trilogy, well shame on you. With that being said, let the stereotyping begin…
- Old People Who Drive Fast
If I wanted to be mean, I would have named this entire category “Old People Who Drive.” But since I’m in a compassionate mood I’m just going to limit it to just old people who drive fast. There is nothing more disturbing than when some battle-axe blows by you going 90mph’s on the MA pike. First of all, where the hell are they going in such a hurry? Everybody knows that old people have nothing to do. That’s why they spend like six hours in the supermarket and get excited when a telemarketer calls them. Therefore, it’s a real red flag when you spot some old bag buzzing by you on the highway. You’re either dealing with some old person who is trying to make a statement that they still exist or you’re dealing with an old person who has no clue where he is or what he’s doing. Either way you know that they can’t see two feet in front of them and they’re not putting on the brakes for anybody. It’s like a runaway truck that will only come to a stop when they run out of gas.
2. People Who Wear Their Pants Too Short
I don’t trust people who wear short pants as far as I can bowl them. And I’m 100% positive that no short pants people are successful at life. I mean have you ever seen somebody in a position of power walk into a meeting with their white tube socks blinging while they are wearing short pants? Of course not. And the thing about short pants is that I don’t think they were ever in style. It doesn’t matter whether you wore short pants in the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, or nowadays. The message is always the same: I’m out of touch with reality and can’t be trusted.
3. Announcers Who Say a Game is an Upset When the “Underdog” is Favored
You may have to be a gambler to appreciate this one. But I despise when announcers talk about what a huge upset a game is when in fact the “underdog” is actually favored. This happens all the time in college hoops when a traditional powerhouse goes on the road and plays a team who is having an unusually good year. A typical example this year would be Arizona playing at Washington State. The announcers will talk about the potential upset when in fact the Cougars are a 5pt favorite. It drives me nuts. How can I take anything they say seriously the rest of the game? Obviously they didn’t do their homework and have no clue what’s going on. It’s insulting to me as a fan, as a gambler and as a human being. If I ran the world all announcers would have to know what the point spread is before they start talking about monumental upsets and shit like that.
4. People Who Hesitate When Buying Stamps at the Post Office.
The other day I was at the post office waiting in line to mail some Barstool hats to people who bought them (hint, hint) and this lady was sitting there for like 10 minutes debating on whether she wanted Valentines Day stamps, American Flag stamps or some collectible type stamps. What the fuck? They’re stamps! You’re going to stick them on an envelope and then mail their ass out. What does it matter what they look like? Just take whatever they give you and move on. If it takes you more than negative two seconds to decide what kind of stamps you’re going to buy then you have serious mental problems and can’t be trusted.
5. Guys Who Wear Winter Hats Inside
When did wearing winter hats in bars become hip? I don’t even know how people do this? I’m always sweating my ass off in bars. If I were wearing a winter hat inside I’d probably melt. There is nobody on god’s green earth that can convince me that wearing a winter hat in a crowed bar feels good. I mean you don’t see people wearing triple fat goose jackets and gloves inside. So why do people wear winter hats? It would never even cross my mind as an option. I’ve just got to believe that anybody who rocks the winter hat inside must have a screw loose.
6. People Who Don’t Laugh When Other People Fall.
This recent spell of cold weather has given rise to one of my favorite parts of winter and that of course is “black ice.” Nothing and I mean nothing can turn around my day faster than watching somebody take a spill. I love when people fall down. And the bigger the fall the better. Obviously it’s more fun when you know the person who takes the digger, but beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll take anybody. Along those lines, yesterday I was walking to dinner and some chick probably in her early 20’s hit the dirt right in front of me. She never saw it coming. Her bag went flying, papers strewn everywhere, the works. Naturally I started laughing at her misfortune and some dude gave me the evil eye like I was an asshole for laughing. Please, spare me the guilt trip buddy. When people go down, I laugh. It’s nothing personal and frankly I don’t trust people who don’t. Laughing at people wiping out is part of human nature. If you don’t laugh when somebody takes a digger you’re either hiding something or just not programmed right.
7. People Who Drink Iced Coffee in Winter
Remember the day last week when it was colder in Boston than it was on the North Pole? Well I saw a dude order two iced coffees at Dunkin Donuts. What are you thinking when you’re getting an iced coffee in the middle of winter? Are you insane? I’m a firm believer that if you only like Iced Coffee, than you shouldn’t drink coffee at all. And if you’re drinking it just for the caffeine then drink a Red Bull or Mountain Dew or something. But you know who drinks iced coffee in the winter? Crazy ass people. That’s who.
8. People Who Work Out in the Morning
I hate working out, but I understand that it’s a necessary evil. Not that I work out or anything but I’m not going to say everybody who works out is nuts. But what I can’t understand is people who somehow wake up super early and hit the gym before work How the hell do they do this? There is nothing and I mean nothing that can get me out of bed a second earlier than I need to be. It doesn’t matter if my bed is on fire or if Kristin Kreuk is in the next room begging to give me a blow job. I’m not budging early for anything or anybody. Therefore, I’m always stunned by people who work out before sunrise. You have to be nuts right? And I know what you’re thinking. Some people are morning people. I’m not buying that for a second. Nobody like the morning except losers, freaks and wack jobs.
9. Short Guys in Faneuil Hall
Per capita, I feel like Boston leads the world in guys with Napoleon Complex. And Faneuil Hall is definitely the epicenter of this disease. I mean am I crazy or are there just lots of short dudes going out in Faneuil Hall who are very angry that they’re short. And you can spot them a mile away because they are always wearing the little man uniform. This of course consists of tight muscle shirts and blowout haircuts. The thing that makes these guys so unpredictable is that 94% of them are on roids. And when you combine the Napolean Complex with Steroids you get a lethal combination of testosterone. If you look at their girlfriend the wrong way forget about it. If you look at a girl they think should be their girlfriend then forget about it. You just got to keep your eye on these little people at all times because you never know when they’re going to explode.
10. Dudes Who Get Full Fast
Before I begin this last one, let me just say that I know it makes no sense on any level. However, having said that it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t trust guys who can’t eat a lot. For example, a couple years ago my buddies and I all came back from a night of drinking and ordered a bunch of pizzas. One of my buddies who is like 6”4 had two slices and then just left the rest of his pie alone. Are you kidding me? I’ve never looked at him the same. If you can’t put down at least 4 slices of a Regina pizza then you’re a pussy. End of story. Guys should be able to eat like tanks. That’s what makes us guys.
So there you have it. 10 more groups of people to add to my never ending list of people I don’t trust. And as always if you have any people that you think I forgot to make fun of please send them along to me at elpresidente@barstoolsports.com