People I Don't Trust II
Two issues ago I wrote an article entitled People I don’t Trust. Basically I made sweeping generalizations about groups of people and explained why I didn’t trust them. Well since I published that article, I’ve gotten a lot of emails about groups of people I missed. In addition, I feel like I’m always adding people to my list on a daily basis. So without further ado, here is the sequel to People I Don’t Trust. And if I feel like the Stoolies like this article I’m not above writing one of these things every time Dateline does a new “To Catch a Predator” episode. Some things just never get old.
Overly Nice Drivers
I’m freaking sick and tired of overly nice drivers who let everybody pull in front of them in traffic. I don’t trust these clowns. I was driving behind some moron yesterday who absolutely refused to not let people pull in front of him. I’m talking we could be going 60 down a one lane road with no cars in sight and he’d slam on the brakes to let somebody pull out from a side street. I almost smashed into this guy like 19 times in my Astrovan. I could almost see this guy patting himself on the back every time he let somebody in. Listen, I can understand letting people pull in front of you when you’re not going anywhere and you’re stuck in traffic, but give the humanitarian act a rest with the overly aggressive waving people in. You’re not fooling me. You’re not fooling Jesus. People who do this must have some real psychological problems.
People Who Don’t Swear (Reader Submitted)
I’m a swearing type of guy. I don’t swear to be crude or rude or anything like that, but sometimes the only way to really express a point is by throwing a curse word in there. I mean let’s analyze these two statements;
“Shoot, that stinks” vs. “Shit, that fucking sucks.”
It’s night and day. Also, I’m a firm believer everything is a little bit funnier with a swear word thrown in the mix than just normal vocabulary. Now I’m not saying that every sentence needs to have a curse word in it. I’m not even saying you need to swear at least once a day or anything like that. But I don’t trust people who refuse to swear at all. What are these people trying to prove? Are they saying they are better than me because they don’t curse? I’m not buying it. Shit happens and sometimes the only way to express yourself is by letting the profanities fly.
Chicks who don’t force guys to wear a condom (Reader Submitted)
Truer words were never spoken. Also, along the same lines you can’t trust girls who let you finish their business in them. I mean if a chick is willing to let you bang her without a condom and finish it off you know you’re not the first person walking on the moon so to speak. I mean if she’s willing to let you in there without a fight it becomes pretty obvious it ain’t her first rodeo. And what happens if you actually like the girl? That kind of sucks right? I mean that’s the type of shit that can stick with you for years. I mean you can be going into your 20th year anniversary still trying to convince yourself that your lady knew you were the one the second she met you and that’s the only reason she gave it up so easily. I’m telling you this is the type of shit that can haunt your dreams. And this doesn’t even get into the fact that you’re probably running at a 75% chance of catching an STD if the girl doesn’t fight you for a condom.
People Who Don’t Have Call Waiting (Reader Submitted)
This one is almost as bad as people who don’t have cable. You must be a gigantic loser and the least important person on the planet if you don’t have call waiting. And unlike the cable excuse, call waiting costs like 2 cents a month. I actually refuse to believe that anybody doesn’t have call waiting yet. If I get a busy signal I just assume that the line isn’t working or I got the wrong number. I mean it’s unfathomable to believe that somebody couldn’t have call waiting yet. Same thing goes with not having an answering machine. I hope to god I never call anybody without an answering machine because that’s how I’ll spend the rest of my life. I’ll just be sitting there like an idiot waiting for the machine to pick up refusing to believe anybody could be that prehistoric not to have an answering machine.
The Milk in My Fridge (Reader Submitted)
Does this count as a group of people? Regardless, I never trust the milk in my fridge. It doesn’t matter if I bought it ten minutes ago I always smell it and think it’s skunked. And for some reason I never throw it away either. In fact until the First Lady cleaned out our refrigerator today we had 4 cartons of milk in there. Not good. Not to mention I don’t trust buying milk from places like 7/11. I know they are fucking with the dates on the carton. I just know they are and that would explain why it goes stale like 5 seconds after you buy it.
People Who Buy Lunch from 7/11
Sticking with the theme of not trusting the milk from 7/11 I don’t trust people who buy sandwiches and hot dogs and shit like that from 7/11. This is so gross I don’t even know where to begin. I think a starving Ethiopian would be insulted if you gave him a taco from 7/11. They always look like they’ve been sitting around for like 200 years. Also I’m convinced that whatever type of meat they are claiming to be in their sandwiches is not even close. If they’re saying turkey you got to assume it’s rat meat. That’s just the way it goes at 7/11.
Panhandlers who say they need X amount of dollars to get back to Fall River
I don’t know who in the panhandler community decided that this was a good lie. But the whole concept of this story sucks. These idiot panhandlers would like you to believe that they somehow got beamed to South Station or North Station and now just need 10 dollars to buy a train ticket home. They are always very clear to specify that they are not panhandlers but rather just unfortunate commuters who failed to do the math correctly on how much a round trip ticket on the subway would cost. And they’ll actually get insulted if you act like you don’t believe them. Listen, I’m not giving my money to anybody who is going to tell such a ridiculous lie to my face.
People Who Run Cross Country
Honestly who runs cross country track in high school? That’s got to be the worst sport in America. There is nothing and I mean nothing remotely enjoyable about it. Running wind sprints and doing laps is always the worst part of any practice. Imagine a fool who participates in a sport where that is the actual game. You got to be freaking nuts! I feel like the only people who run cross country are either totally insane or suck at everything else and have no choice but to start running. Why else would you do it?
Blackjack Dealers that Don’t Speak Great English
Listen, I have nothing against people who don’t speak fluent English. I really could care less. But when I play Blackjack I need to feel like the dealer likes me and is really pulling for me to win. The last thing I need is a silent assassin who I can’t communicate with. You’re either with me or against me at a blackjack table. And if you’re just sitting there silently pulling cards out of your ass, I’ve got to believe that you’re against me.
Guys who wears socks with sandals
Wearing socks with sandals is arguably the worst fashion statement on the planet. I think you could mass murder everybody who rocks this look the world would be a better place. I mean I’ve got to believe that 75% of the lunatics in this world are people who wear socks with sandals. I mean if I was a casting director for a murder movie and needed to create a crazy ass killer I’d just throw him in a pair of Teva’s with a nice pair of tube socks. It just screams psycho. I’d be shocked if these people didn’t fit into multiple categories on this list. Like is there any doubt that these people ran cross country in high school?
So there you have it. 11 more groups of people that I don’t trust. And I still feel like I’m just hitting the tip of the iceberg here. There are still lots more people to offend and insult. So like I said in the opening as long as Dateline keeps catching online predators, I’ll keep on writing about people I don’t trust.