People I Don't Trust
One of the benefits of doing a 48-hour paper route by myself is that I get to do a lot of thinking. And lately I’ve been thinking about people that I don’t trust. Now, I realize that I’m about to make sweeping generalizations about large groups of people here, but that’s what we do at the Stool. So without further ado, here is my list of people I don’t trust:
- Idiot Bike Riders
To be honest, idiot bike riders are what inspired me to start this list. They drive me nuts whenever I’m doing my paper route. Now I’m not talking about Bike Messengers or people who leisurely ride their bike around the river or anything like that. I’m talking about people who ride their bike in the middle of Boston traffic and think they are in the Tour De France. You know who I’m talking about. These are the dudes (and they are always dudes) who feel compelled to wear spandex racings suits, ensuring that you see every curve of their ass and their junk. And no idiot bike rider is complete without a high-tech racing helmet and huge Oakley shades. I have no idea how anybody can think it’s acceptable to dress like this in public. I mean, how can you take this person seriously in life? It’s like there is an imaginary race going on they are the only ones that know about it. Another telltale sign that you’re dealing with an idiot bike rider is when they start giving you hand signals like they are an actual car. This drives me crazy. Dude, just get your freaking bike out of the way so I can drive and be thankful that I don’t run you over.
2. People who exercise in public
Once again let me clarify this; I’m not talking about joggers or rollerblades or anybody like that. Although, I am very skeptical of rollerblades who wear knee pads and elbow pads. I’m also skeptical of joggers who run down crowded streets. Why jog down Newbury Street when the Charles River is two seconds away? Anyway, in this case, I’m talking about people who are doing push ups, sit ups, pull ups, karate or anything else like this in the Public Garden. I just can’t understand who does this. Who works out in public? It has to be a cry for help. Why else wouldn’t you just work out in the privacy of your house, gym or apartment?
3. People who don’t have cable
If you don’t have cable, I don’t trust you. There is just no excuse in my mind not to have cable anymore. But it never fails that every now and again I’ll start talking to somebody about a TV show and they’ll say they can’t watch it because they don’t have cable and I just look at them like they have 9 heads. I mean, I think it’s unacceptable not to have HBO, never mind basic cable. And what do these people do in their free time? Do they read books or something? That’s so 1960s. Now I’m not saying that if you don’t have cable that you’re a jerk or anything, but I am saying that you and I live in different worlds. I just can’t trust anything you say or any opinion you have on life if we don’t have the same basic needs as human beings. I need water, food and cable. I don’t know what the non-cable humanoids need and I don’t want to know.
4. People Who Wear a Bowtie
There are two types of people who wear bowties. The first group is all over 90 years old and I have no problem with these guys. If an old battle-axe wants to wear a bowtie because that was the hot look when he was a kid, I have no problem with that. The second group of people is just so clueless about life they don’t even realize that a bowtie is not cool. They probably have never gotten laid or even so much as kissed a girl in their lives. They may be nice people, but they’re so detached from reality that you just can’t trust anything they have to say on any aspect of life. And I’ll guarantee you that nobody who was good at sports ever wore a bowtie. I mean did you see Tucker Carlson in Dancing with the Stars? He was so uncoordinated that he basically sat in a chair during the entire dance routine. Also, it’s no coincidence that politicians are some of the most common bowtie offenders.
5. People who own Cats over Dogs
I just can’t understand who in their right mind would choose a cat over a dog? Cats suck. They are always scheming against you and are on their own program. You don’t see cat owners taking their cats for walks or playing fetch or doing anything fun with them. Cats just sit there and shit in their litter box. Picking a cat over a dog is like picking a Yugo over a Mercedes. I mean, what is going on in your head? Do you not like to have a fun? I honestly believe there is something inherently flawed in the personality of somebody who would choose a cat over a dog. A fatal flaw that makes them impossible to depend on.
6. People who like Indian food
On the outside I have nothing against Indian food or people who like Indian food. But I’ve never been friends with anybody who likes it. I’m serious. I have friends who like Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Greek, Japanese, Thai food, etc. But nobody I know likes Indian food. What’s up with that? It’s gotten to the point where if I do meet somebody who liked Indian food it would set off all sorts of red flags. I mean, what normal person likes Indian food? Nobody, that’s who.
7. People who own a Segway
In case you don’t know what a Segway is, it is that circle motorized scooter thing that has absolutely no purpose on planet earth. This one is pretty simple. If you have one of these things you’re freaking crazy. End of discussion.
8. Guys who walk around with Yoga Mats Sticking out of their Bag
This one is kind of like the Indian food thing. I just don’t know any guys that I like that do yoga. I know a ton of chicks that do yoga, but no dudes. I can even understand if a guy does yoga just to look at hot chicks sweating and wrapping themselves into pretzels. In fact, I’d probably respect a guy who does that and solicit his advice on all sorts of issues. But I’m positive that the dude who does yoga to meet girls doesn’t walk around with his yoga mat sticking out of his backpack. This is an entirely different animal. I can’t really put my finger on it, but this guy strikes me as strange. Okay, you go to yoga, but why are you sticking it in everybody’s face with the yoga mat? Is this like a statement that you are a vegetarian, a Communist and a member of Greenpeace? I feel like it all goes hand in hand.
9. BU Kids who think Commonwealth Ave. is the Indy 500
Am I the only one that notices the way BU students drive 1,000 miles per hour down Commonwealth Ave.? And the thing is that there are so many traffic lights, I always end up pulling back next to them in my Astrovan at the next light. It never fails. The light turns green and the BU kid peels out in his souped-up BMW with his hot ethnic girlfriend in the passenger seat and floors it until he gets to the next traffic light. Then I pull up to him and we begin the dance all over again. What are they doing? Where do they think they are? Dude, this is Boston. Relax. It’s not that far from the Warren Towers to T. Anthony’s.
10. People who wear rival sports clothing at the same time
I never make it through an entire paper route without spotting somebody wearing rival clothing at the same time. I’m talking about a Patriots hat with a Peyton Manning Shirt or a Red Sox shirt with a Yankees hat or a Stool hat with a BSR jock strap. What are these people thinking? What world are they living in? Listen, I don’t need everybody to like the same teams that I do. Just look at Pete Manzo. He writes for the Stool and is an admitted Yankee fan. I may not agree with him, but at least I know where he stands and I can respect it. But the same can’t be said for people who wear rival clothing at the same time. What message are you sending to society? Are you a front runner? Do you have no spine? Or are you just an idiot? Whatever the case may be, I can’t take anything you say seriously as long as you continue to be a walking contradiction.
11. People who don’t read the Stool
Honestly, what are you thinking if you’re not reading Barstool Sports yet? I mean did you read this article? It was freaking awesome. Anyway, at this point there really is no excuse not to be on the Stool Express. Maybe two years ago you could have gotten away with saying that you’d never heard of it before, but that time has come and gone. If you’ve never heard of the Stool than you probably don’t know about anything that is cool in Boston. And if you’ve read it and don’t like it, well, then you just suck and aren’t the type of person that I want to associate with to begin with.
So there you have it. 11 types of people who I don’t trust. Now I’m sure there are a lot more people who deserve to be on this list that I forgot. So if you have any good ones definitely send them to me at elpresidente@barstoolsports.com and I’ll publish them all on barstoolsports.com.