The Odd Couple III: This Time It's Personal
INT. DAN AND CURT'S LIVING ROOM‑ DAY
Starting at the ceiling, a piece of duct tape stretches down one of the room's walls, across the floor and up the opposite wall.
One side of the room is fastidiously clean. Surfaces glisten. An ancient typewriter sits on a desk, centered perfectly. A small black and white television in the corner. Dozens of copies of the same book‑ The Curse of the Bambino‑ sit on the bookshelves. An autographed picture of Dan hangs on the wall.
The other side of the room is in shambles. A couch, a well‑worn indentation clearly visible, is situated in front of a large flat screen television. The coffee table is a mess of video game controllers, sunscreen and Pokemon cards. A conference table is pushed up against one wall. Three massive computer screens, a keyboard and a joystick. An autographed picture of Curt hands on the wall.
CURT enters from the bathroom. A towel around his waist. Fresh from the shower.
Hearing the footsteps, DAN rushes in from the kitchen.
DAN
Don't even think about crossing that duct tape dripping wet! You know the rules‑ your moist man boobs are not allowed into my personal space. Only columnists with more than a decade of experience at a national daily allowed.
CURT
Get a grip, CHB. Pussy.
DAN
Don't call me CHB, blog boy.
CURT
Blog boy? Really. That's the best you can do. Honestly, you write for a living, CHB.
Curt props one leg on the arm of his couch. The towel opens up. He begins to fondle his man junk.
CURT (CONT'D)
Shit, I can't wait till Shonda gets here later. Lil' Curt needs to play a little long toss, if you get my drift.
DAN
(appearing to fight back the urge to vomit)
I get your drift.
CURT
Do you, CHB? Because I'm talking about my penis.
Dan gags. He brings his hand up to his mouth.
CURT (CONT'D)
I would appreciate it if you would make yourself scarce tonight. Things might get a little loud.
A beat.
CURT (CONT'D)
Because I'm wicked good at sex.
DAN
Just like everything else. Lets see if I have this right. You're wicked good at sex, baseball, Everquest, blogging, politics, talking, off‑season eating, bleeding and kissing the asses of kids with terminal illnesses.
Curt looks to be deep in thought. He squeezes a large glob of suntan lotion into his palm and begins rubbing his man junk.
CURT
Did you say sex?
DAN
Yes.
CURT
Good. Because I'm wicked good at it. In case you're wondering, I'm rubbing suntan lotion on Lil' Curt because Shonda is very conscientious about the harmful effects of the sun.
DAN
You know you're inside, right.
CURT
Yup.
DAN
And you're not planning to be running around naked outside are you?
CURT
Nope.
DAN
Thank God. Then why the suntan lotion? And I know I'm going to regret this.
CURT
Cuz my lady's so hot, she's like the sun. Shit, that's some good stuff, Schill. That's going on my blog.
Curt sits down at his desk and begins hurriedly typing on his keyboard. Dan turns towards his own desk and sits down. He begins slowly typing on his typewriter.
CURT (CONT'D)
(singing loudly to the tune of the Hang Time theme song)
Blog Time! I'm a writer!
Blog Time! I have a coooool blog!
Blog Time! Spreading the gospel!
Me and my Internet friends‑ Blog Time!
Me and the Nation‑ Blog Time!
DAN
I fucking loathe you.
CURT
You're just jealous because I'm a Renaissance Man.
DAN
Renaissance Man! Are you kidding me! You throw a ball and write run‑on sentences on a blog! More like Encino Man!
CURT
You're such...
Dan interrupts.
DAN
Did you notice my cultural reference? Encino Man. That's Encino Man starring Brendan Fraser. He was also in School Ties. That's School Ties. With Matt Damon. He was Charlie Dillon.
CURT
Are you done patting yourself on the back for watching a movie back in the 1980's?
Dan snares and pounds the keys of his typewriter.
CURT (CONT'D)
Good. Now listen to me, CHB. I know you see my as the enemy because I'm awesome but I'm more than just awesome. I also have an awesome heart. And I want to help you, Dan.
DAN
I'm working on a column for tomorrow's paper about the Red Sox game from three days ago. I'm a little too busy to listen to your ramblings.
CURT
(suddenly deadly serious)
My ramblings nourish the Nation, Dan. Don't you forget that.
A beat.
CURT (CONT'D)
I just don't get you, Dan. All you do is try to tear me down. I can't win with you. I'm honest. I tell it like it is. And I look damn good doing it. I'm a reporter's dream.
DAN
First of all, I'm a columnist. Dick. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the world doesn't revolve around you? That maybe you don't deserve a pulpit just because you're an athlete?
Curt stands up and lets the towel drop to the floor. He begins to walk towards Dan.
CURT
(angrily)
You wanna go, CHB! You want a piece of me! You want to throw down with Schill! I'm fucking loco, Shaughnessy!
Dan leaps to his feet. He grabs a copy of Curse of the Bambino. Uses it as a shied.
DAN
Don't come any closer! You're all jiggly. And...oh dear God...I think I'm gonna pass out.
Dan reaches out his arm and steadies himself on the desk chair.
CURT
You noticed the manicured lawn, huh? It took Mellor almost an hour to get my number right. Pretty sick though, right? I heard Clemens has a Cy Young Award. Fucking Clemens. Love that guy.
DAN
Just when I think that I can't possibly hate you any more, you go and get your pubes professionally landscaped. And dyed red, white and blue.
Dan and Curt stare each other down.
CURT
Lets not fight tonight, Dan. It's too early in the season to be at each other throats.
DAN
I guess I can take a break tonight. It is about time that I ripped Theo. Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
CURT
(beaming)
I think I am!
CURT & DAN
(simultaneously)
Time to prank call Pedro!