NFL Playoffs Preview

By Dan McCarthy
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The first weekend of the NFL playoffs is great. In addition to eliminating four of the teams everyone knew had no chance of winning the Super Bowl anyway, it provides me with an excuse to not leave the house for 48 consecutive hours. To be honest, it's shocking that I'm not covered in bedsores.

Now that the pretenders are gone, we can organize the remaining teams:

1) Indianapolis

I'm rooting against the Colts this season for two reasons. First is the fact that they caused the media to subject us to a seasonlong "greatest team ever" debate that was (and still is) incredibly premature. The other reason is Lil' Ronnie, the twelve-year-old "rapper" responsible for "Super Bowl Bound," the Colts' unofficial theme song. Indianapolis fans should all sit down and take a good, hard look at that kid, and then find him and put a plastic bag over his head before the Colts get any further into the playoffs. One thing that would make me happy, though, would be for the Colts to win the Super Bowl and then for owner Jim Irsay to grasp Peyton Manning's freakishly oversized football-shaped cranium and raise it over his head in triumph after mistaking it for the Lombardi Trophy.

2) New England

Despite the score of the Jaguars game, it would be a stretch to say the Patriots were in playoff form (four fumbles?). There is still a LONG way to go before they're ready to compete against Indianapolis or, for that matter, the Broncos. That said, it'll be interesting to see if the Patriots are the same team that lost to Denver on the road 28-20 in Week 6, or if they're the much-improved version that everyone would have you believe. Regardless, one thing is certain: we totally should have listened when the Jaguars were demanding more respect.

3) Seattle

There are multiple factors to take into account here. You have to take Seattle seriously, mostly because of Shaun Alexander, but also because opposing offenses will have trouble dealing with the sound of Matt Hasselbeck's hairline galloping backward on the sideline. The 8-0 home record is nice and all, but the Seahawks have a 2-2 record against playoff teams, with the two wins coming against the Giants (who after Sunday's debacle should have their "playoff team" status revoked) and the Colts (in a meaningless game). Personally, I'm still skeptical, simply because if the Seahawks won the Super Bowl demons would start pouring out of a hole in the sky, followed by the universe imploding in on itself into a singularity.

4) Denver

The Broncos probably got less consideration as a serious Super Bowl contender than any other quality team this year. Therefore, we shouldn't be surprised at all when they complete a Super Bowl run and make everyone look like idiots.

5) Carolina

Wow. If there's one NFC team that can run with the Colts, I think it's the Panthers. More specifically, it's Steve Smith. I'm reluctant to pick them over the Bears in Chicago, but that Giants game was a statement and a half. Of course, the way the Giants' defense tackled on Sunday, they should probably be huddled in the corner of a doctor's office under a blanket. And let's not even get started on Eli Manning, who melted down like the 19-year-old he already looks like. So much for that brother-versus-brother Super Bowl, huh?

6) Chicago

A quick anecdote, to illustrate the unreasonable optimism of Bears fans:
I was in Chicago for New Year's Eve. On Lakeshore Drive right after midnight, probably half the people were screaming "Happy New Year!" at strangers. The other half were screaming "GO BEARS! BEARS ARE GONNA WIN THE SUPER BOWL! WHOOOOO!" Apart from this being annoying, it was troubling on another level - apparently a supervillain has inone symptom of living in Chicago is an inability to remember past 2001.

7) Washington

I like the Redskins because I really want to see how awkward Joe Buck sounds when he tries to call Clinton Portis "Coach Janky Spanky." Unrelated commentary: When a receiver catches a pass over the middle and then gets hit and the ball is dislodged before both his feet come down, why is it an incomplete pass and not a fumble? Doesn't that contradict the logic behind the ruling that when a player makes a catch in the air and gets pushed out of bounds, it's still a catch? Both are predicated on the idea that the catch would have been successful had a defensive player not hit the receiver at the time of the ball's arrival.

8) Pittsburgh

I'm not sure what it feels like to be raped by a shark with AIDS, but what Bengals fans experienced on Sunday was probably substantially worse.