NFL Playoffs Picks
It’s Divisional Championship Weekend in the NFL. And the Patriots are once again still dancing for like the 93rd straight season. Therefore, it’s time for me to fulfill a pledge that I made a long time ago which was that as long as the Patriots keep playing, I’ll keep picking. And if by some chance the Pats aren’t still alive, I’ll probably just sulk and scrap this column for the rest of the year.
Indy at Baltimore -4
Were people impressed with Indy last week? I certainly wasn’t. Because let me tell you something; if you can’t beat the Chiefs at home than you don’t deserve to live. And it wasn’t like the Colts steam rolled them either. They didn’t even score a TD in the first half against a KC defense that gave up 30 the week before to Jacksonville. I think the fact that the Colts defense has been so bad this year has overshadowed the fact that the offense hasn’t been that great either. If I was a Colts fan I’d do my best not to watch this week’s game against the Ravens. This has all the makings of a classic Peyton Manning meltdown as the Colts get totally dominated from beginning to end. The thing that is really scary thing for Indy fans is that even if this team was rolling on all cylinders, Baltimore would still be the type of team that would destroy the Colts. Everybody and their grandmother knows that all you got to do is punch Indy in the mouth and they run home to momma crying like little babies. Baltimore is in the mold of the Patriots and Steelers in that they can physically dominate and bully you if you don’t stand up to them. The Colts never stand up to anybody so I’d be shocked to see them put up a fight in this game. Deep down in places that the Colts don’t talk about at parties they know they have no chance in this game. This one will be over the second the Colt’s plane lands in Baltimore. I’ve already got my DVR set to record Peyton Manning’s post game press conference which is always a highlight of the year for me. I’m thinking this year he may blame the defense instead of the offensive line, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
The Pick – Baltimore
Philly at New Orleans -5
If the Patriots weren’t in the playoffs I’d not only be rooting for the Saints not only to win this game but win the whole freaking thing. But the Patriots are in the playoffs and in all likelihood will probably be in the Superbowl so I want the Saints to be eliminated as fast as possible. And it’s not that I think we can’t beat the Saints because I know that we’d probably kill them. Rather I don’t want to be put in a situation where I have to root against the people of New Orleans because of all they went through last year. And I know myself. If the Pats end up playing the Saints in Miami, it won’t be long until I’m doing a K-A-T-R-I-N-A chant in people’s faces and nobody wants that to happen. I’d rather just avoid that whole ugly incident. So hopefully the Eagles can knock them off here. Unfortunately I don’t think that’s going to happen. I just don’t see the Eagles defense really being able to slow down New Orleans. And I think the home field advantage is going to be huge in this one. In fact I’d say it will be the biggest home field advantage of the weekend. It’s going to be loud and it’s going to be emotional. And the fact that this is a night game so everybody can drink all day long beforehand should only intensify the crowd. Now having said all that I still think the Eagles will somehow keep this close. The bottom line is that Philly has won six straight games and you can’t do that in the NFL unless you are playing great football. And this doesn’t even take into account the fact they’ve had to overcome the fact that Donovan McNabb’s mom has been putting voodoo hexes on the team. So really it’s like they’ve won 10 straight. That’s good enough for me to take the pts and hope they keep it close. And if I’m really lucky they pull out a late victory and get rid of the feel good story of the year protecting me from being an asshole in a couple weeks.
The Pick – Philly
Seattle at Chicago -9.5
At some point you just are what you are. And the Seahawks are a crappy football team. In fact I don’t think they could beat any team that is left right now in the playoffs. They obviously had no business winning last week against Dallas. It took an act of god in the form of a Tony Romo choke job for Seattle to advance. As a side note was I the only one really looking forward to Martin Gramatica’s celebration after kicking that 7 yard field goal? That would have been nuts. I mean has a Gramatica ever kicked a game winner in the playoffs before? I don’t think so. (I can’t wait till we have some Interns here at the Stool so I can have them look this shit up for me) Anyway, back to this game. Seattle has no chance. It’s that simple. Seattle was an absolute joke down the stretch losing twice to San Francisco and to Arizona. You just don’t lose to those teams when you’re fighting for the division. I expect the Bears to dominate this game from start to finish and win by at least two TD’s.
The Pick – Chicago
New England at SD -5
The Chargers were the best team in the regular season this year. I don’t think anybody can really debate that fact. Therefore it’s a shame that they don’t have a shot in this one. In fact, I’m going to take my five points and shove em up my bookies ass. You’re fucking nuts if you don’t go money line on this puppy. Listen, there is no way Philip Rivers and his crappy mechanics are going to beat arguable the greatest post season athlete in the history of the world. And there is no way that Marty Schottenheimer and Marty Ball is going to beat the greatest post season coach in the history of the NFL. It just ain’t going to happen. You can look at the X’s and O’s all you want but any time you are 100% outclassed at both the QB position and the Coaching position in the playoffs you’re going to lose. It’s that simple. And to be honest I don’t even think the Chargers will have a real home field advantage in this one. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the Pats fans out there make more noise than the Chargers fans. People in San Diego just seem to laid back to really create any type of home field advantage. They’re too busy surfing and giving the peace sign to people. And even if they did make noise I feel like they’re one of those crowds that will pipe up when the Chargers have the ball. What I’m saying is there is no way the Pats lose this week. No chance.
Mortal Lock - Pats