NFL Picks (They Suck)
I loved the NFL board so much last week that I actually pulled out the unprecedented double mortal lock. I took both New England and Pittsburgh and wasn’t close in either of them. The result is devastation, famine and disease. And for the second time this year I have to put my NFL Picks column on the line. If I don’t have a winning week this week then I will find somebody else to handle the picks.
Season Record 13-15
Last Week 1-2
Mortal Lock Record 1-5-1
Indy at Pats +3.5
The Pats looked downright awful against the lowly Bills last week. For the past 4-years I’ve pretty much bet on the Pats every single week and it felt like they covered 99% of the time. Unfortunately, something seems to be changing this year. For the first time in a long time I have serious doubts about how good we are. It finally looks like the injuries have caught up to us. Our secondary is a joke. Duane Starks and “Jefferson” are simply horrible. It’s like we’re playing with 9 guys on defense and none of them are named Seymour. Not only can’t Starks and Jefferson cover guys, but they can’t tackle either. And that may be generous. I’m not sure they could stop people if it was tag football. Having said all that, I will still take New England against the Colts this week catching 3.5 at home on MNF. I just don’t see the Colts coming in here and beating us. I know that we are ripe for the picking but I still can’t believe it’s going to happen. And where the hell is Randall Gay? Is he dead?
The Pick – Pats with my heart
SD at Jets -6.5
If the Pats can’t get this thing turned around the Chargers are my sleeper pick to win the Super Bowl. I really think they’re that good. It will come down to them and Pittsburgh for all the marbles if we can’t get healthy. As for the Jets, they are like a poor man’s Patriots. They have injuries all over the place including their 1st 2nd and 3rd string QB’s. And the Jets weren’t nearly as good as the Pats were to begin with. The result is that they are simply awful now. I actually feel bad for Herm Edwards, who is sneaky one of my favorite personalities in the NFL. There are very few people who can make me drop what I’m doing to watch their press conference, but Herm is one of those guys. “You play to win the game. You play to win the game.” Unfortunately for Herm they have no chance here.
Mortal Lock - SD
Detroit at Minnesota -1.5
By the time this game kicks off I’m guessing the line will be closer to five. As if things can’t get worse for Mike Tice, the Vikings lost Dante Culpepper for the season last week with a knee injury. Cue the Brad Johnson music. Would somebody please fire Mike Tice and put him out of his misery all ready? This has become like watching a wounded animal writhe around on the ground in pain. It’s inhumane to keep him alive. I mean Tice has to be wondering like the rest of us what on earth he has to do to get fired. So far he has had Randy Moss quit on him during a game, been caught scalping Super Bowl tickets, challenged everybody on his team to a fist fight, and was the skipper on an orgy cruise. Not to mention his team sucks. Somebody please take the pencil out of his ear and stab him in the neck already. Enough is enough. The pick here is Detroit by default.
The Pick – Detroit
Carolina at Tampa Bay -1
Back at Stoolie headquarters I have a bunch of lists hanging on my office walls. One of them is my all-time coward list. And guess who the number two guy is on that list? If you guessed Chris Simms you’d be right. He is surpassed only by Peyton Manning. Chris Simms single handedly kept me afloat for two gambling seasons with his patented choke jobs in big games. And while I’m not sure that this week qualifies as a big game, I still think he’ll struggle mightily vs. a good Carolina defense. On the flip side, Jake Delhomme is the type of guys who has earned everything he has gotten in his football career. As a result, I don’t think he cares about pressure or big moments. He’s the type of guy I’d want in a foxhole with me. Without a healthy Cadillac, too much of the offense will rely on the gutless Chris Simms in this one so I expect a Carolina victory.
The Pick – Carolina