NFL Analyst Overload Syndrome
9 Stories that will be beaten to death in 2006
With apologies to Major League Baseball, it’s clear that the NFL is truly America’s pastime. However, it’s not all roses for the NFL. Along with the soaring popularity of the league comes some major problems. Yes, I’m talking about “NFL Analyst Overload Syndrome," which is, of course, when the same eight or nine stories get beaten to death by every single NFL reporter/analyst on the planet, causing viewer paralysis. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is or what channel you’re watching, you can always find some “expert” discussing the same thing over and over and over again. Therefore, in an attempt to prepare you for “NFL Analyst Overload Syndrome”, here are the nine topics that will be beaten to death in 2006. After all, knowing is half the battle.
- Will the Colts Will Finally Win the Super Bowl?
The number one rule to being an NFL Analyst is that you MUST pick the Colts to win the Super Bowl every single year. You need to pick them in the preseason and stick with them right until they get dominated in the playoffs. Then once they get eliminated you need to make up an excuse for why they lost (bad refs, cold weather, bad field goal kicker, etc.) and immediately install them as next year's favorite. And this year it will be more of the same especially with Adam Vinatieri now in Indy. Also, there won’t be a week that goes by in which Tony Dungy isn’t given the Noble Peace Prize for continuing to coach after the tragic death of his son. So for the 19th straight year everybody should prepare themselves to read more stories about the Colts than any other NFL team, right up until they get crushed in the 2nd round of the playoffs.
2. Bill Parcells is the only guy who can coach T.O.
There is no doubt that Terrell Owens is going to be a model citizen in Dallas this year. Dave Campo could be the coach of the Cowboys and Terrell Owens still wouldn’t make a peep. After all, even he isn’t dumb enough to pull any stunts after what happened to him last year. But that won’t stop reporters from talking about how only the great Bill Parcells could get Terrell Owens to become a team player. You’ll also probably hear at least 100 interviews with Cowboy players talking about what a great guy T.O. is. The resurrection of Terrell Ownes will be a continuous theme throughout the season as the Cowboys make a run at the Super Bowl.
3. Injured QB’s are Hero’s.
There are lots of big name QB’s who are coming back from major injuries this year. Among them are Daunte Culpepper, Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger, and Carson Palmer. Nothing and I mean nothing gets an NFL Analyst going more than a good old fashioned comeback story. Therefore, prepare yourself to hear a million stories about how these QB’s had to overcome impossible odds and adversity to get back to playing football. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m sure that all these guys had to go through a ton of rehab to get themselves ready for the 2006 season. But isn’t that their job? After all, they are getting paid millions of dollars to play football. Let’s not make it seem like these guys are saving lives or anything because they had a good workout program.
4. Will Brett Favre Retire?
This was probably last year’s most annoying story. The constant debate about whether Brett Favre would retire was overwhelming. It got so bad that Favre was actually calling press conferences to announce that he hadn’t made up his mind yet. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. Anyway in a surprise to nobody, Favre finally announced that he would play this season. But what was a surprise is that he said he planned on playing a few more seasons! Are you kidding me? This means we have to prepare for two or three more years of the most useless press conferences in the history of mankind.
5. The Arizona Cardinals are a Sleeper Team.
This is another ongoing NFL theme. The Cardinals have spent the last decade as everybody’s sleeper team. And every year they suck. This year the hype should be at an all time high because Edgerrin James signed with them in the off season and they acquired Matt Leinart in the draft. Personally, I think there should be a limit on how many times in a row an NFL analyst can declare that the Cardinals are a sleeper team. I mean eventually Arizona is going to have one good year and you just know that all these analysts who have picked them for 10 straight years are going to brag about it.
6. Can the Patriots overcome key losses?
This past off-season the Patriots lost Willie McGinest, Adam Vinatieri, David Givens and defensive coordinator Eric Mangini to the Jets. And per usual the media isn’t giving the Patriots a legitimate shot to win the Super Bowl. This is crazy talk. The only reason the Pats lost last year was because they self destructed with 873 turnovers. Anybody who thinks the Steelers would have gone into Foxborough and beaten the Pats is dreaming. In my book the Patriots are still the team to beat in the league. Therefore, prepare yourself for stories on the reemergence of the New England Patriots even though they never really went anywhere in the first place.
7. Can Reggie Bush Prevent Hurricane Katrina?
The Saints will return to New Orleans this season fully loaded with their new toy Reggie Bush. And if you listen to the talking heads, you’d believe that Reggie Bush can actually turn back the clock and prevent Hurricane Katrina from ever happening in the Big Easy. Obviously it’s great that the Saints are back in New Orleans, but prepare yourselves for one sappy report after another on how Reggie Bush has taken the city on his back to restore the citizens' hope and faith in life.
8. Will the team that nobody wants to play in the playoffs actually make the playoffs?
Ever since the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl the media has acted like they are the most dangerous team on planet earth. Supposedly they have a great offensive line, a great defense, a great coach, a great tight end and everybody is scared of them. The only problem is that the Ravens haven’t been good for like 6 years. But that doesn’t stop Mike Patrick and the rest of the ESPN crew from declaring them as the team nobody wants to play in the playoffs. And now that the Ravens have Steve McNair at the helm this should only intensify all the talk about how dangerous they are. So prepare yourself for another long season of hearing how nobody wants to play Baltimore as they rampage through the league on their way to yet another 6-10 season.
9. Will the earth stop rotating when Eli Manning plays against Peyton Manning?
Honestly, if you listen to all the hype about this game you may actually think that the world is going to explode upon kick off. This story is already my most hated sports story of my lifetime list. For some reason every single NFL analyst on the planet is addicted to the Manning family. They just can’t stop praising this family of losers. And let’s not kid ourselves, that’s exactly what they are. The Manning family hasn’t won shit in the entire history of their family. Archie Manning was one of the all time great losers of the NFL and now his sons Eli and Peyton have redefined what playoff chokes are all about. But that won’t stop the media from acting like this game is Montana vs. Unitas in their prime. Yuck.
So there you go. Nine stories that are sure to be beaten to death in the 2006 season. Now at the very least you can say you heard it here first at Barstool Sports.