The Myths of Post-College Life

Summer is ending. It's a sad, horrible, disheartening inevitability.

For those of us with thinning hair, Roth IRA's and farmer tans, the summer never really materializes. One minute, it's cold and rainy and supposedly spring. The next, girls are in halter-top's, you've sweated through your pants and your weeklong vacation on Nantucket was whittled down to an algae-infested dip in the Charles. Soon enough, you'll be doing your fantasy football draft, wearing corduroy and wondering why all the girls have ditched their halter-top's for hairy legs and turtlenecks.

But for some people out there- the recent college graduate- the summer is still the summer. Pointless, mindless and free. You're done with school but you're not quite ready to jump into the real world. It's a great summer and all you proud college graduates should enjoy it will you can. Because if you're still trying to bang high school girls next summer, you might want to take a long look in the mirror and reevaluate a few things (unless the high school girls you're banging in which case you go from creepy and perverted to cool, creepy and perverted).

All that is about to end, future leaders of America. The real world is creeping in and a college degree, $120,000 in tuition and a trip to Men's Warehouse isn't going to cut it. You need some real information. You need some expert advice. You need to know just what you're in for and how to prepare. Basically, you need to know just how much your life is going to suck.

So, we're going to break down the five most common myths of the post-college life and give you a puncher's chance of not having to end up interviewing for the opening at Mr. Butch, Inc.

1. Living at home is the way to go.

Yes, there are some positives to living at home. You probably won't be paying rent or the cable bill. You won't be buying detergent or shampoo. And you won't be living with five friends in a two bedroom apartment in Allston and praying that your one-eyed Russian landlord doesn't set your thermostat so that the heat only comes on when the temperature dips below freezing.

You've finished school and have a job. You think to yourself "Hey, rent is expensive and I'm just a little guy trying to make it in this big, scary world. Why don't I do the sensible thing and stay at home, get my bearings and save some money? Mom and dad are cool and it's just for a year."

So foolish. Living at home, unless unavoidable because you're hopeless unemployable or in a vegetative state, drains the life from you. First, you're not saving any money. What the hell were you saving money for in the first place? Be honest with yourself. You're young and someone is giving you money every two weeks. Money that you really don't need if you're living at home. What happens? Instead of saving your money, you will 100%, absolutely guaranteed, no questions about it, will be in ridiculous debt within four months of living at home. Every cent you earn will go towards booze, video games, porn, drugs, trips with friends to drink more booze and do more drugs, abortions and cold cuts.

And no matter how cool you think your parents are, they're not that cool. Do you have any idea how warped your mind is after college? You don't have the foggiest idea what is considered acceptable behavior in civilized society. Your mom may be the shit but no matter how nicely you explain it to her, there's no way she's going to help you dispose of the evidence before the State Police arrive.

2. You won't be able to get away with doing stupid shit anymore.

You'll miss being able to break the law with relative impunity, particularly if you attended one of New England's fine private liberal arts colleges and spent the last four years spitting in the eye of God. Breaking the law will still occupy a lot of your free time but now there are real consequences to getting caught with weed. There are real cops with real nightsticks with a real zest for making you regret what you just said, you little piece of shit.

But as fun as college was, the first few years after college can be even better. You'll have a job and be paid with real American currency, which still has some serious purchasing power in sub-Saharan Africa and certain parts of North Korea. Your job though- it's a joke.

It just is. You may think that you're doing something worthwhile. You may think that you're on a career path. You may think that you're one good bird flu epidemic from being the big swinging dick. But you're not. Your job is monkey-easy. And not even one of those NASA monkeys. Your boss could go to one of those makeup conglomerates and find some screwed-up monkey, all fucked up on lipstick and shampoo, scrawny and shaken with clumps of hair falling out, slap a bowtie on Bobo, stick him at your desk and no one would notice the difference.

Don't take it personally; every first job is a joke. Instead of dwelling on the pointlessness of your job, embrace the worthlessness of your employment situation. As long as you show up to work in the morning and don't shit your pants (a lot), you're golden. All your co-workers, those miserable old bastards that read the Herald, chug Dunkin Donuts and abhor initiative, they're on your side. They're living vicariously through you. They're counting on you to go out on a random Tuesday, get absolutely shellacked, bang the office intern and show up the next day, wearing the same clothes and a shit-eating grin and stinking of beer, sin and the intern's holiest of holies.

3. You can never go back to college.

Remember when you were in college and some alumni would show up on campus? You would pity them, those poor losers that couldn't leave the glory days behind them and make it in the real world.

Well, now you are the loser. And you're about to see college from a whole different angle. Let's be clear about something- one month of real world drinking and mingling puts you heads and shoulders above any of the bozos still at college. It's not like you're 65. You're a few years older than the students but now college girls are throwing themselves at you. The college ladies are tired of keg beer and dirty sheets. You, my recently graduated friend, are exactly what she is looking for- mature, mannered and not someone she has to see in class on Monday.

And you have money. College life seems expensive when you're actually there. But college life is dirt cheap. Alcohol and fast food. That's it. You're about to enter a world of $7 beers and $12 mixed drinks. You'll be falling all over yourself to buy 30 packs of Bud Light. You'll be a conquering hero. And conquering heroes get laid. Conquering heroes also make sure to tell their older coworkers all the filthy things the college girl did and take discreet cellphone pictures.

4. You're an adult now.

You're not an adult. Who the hell are you kidding?

You're a disaster, not an adult. You may have a job. You may pay rent. You may buy the newspaper, go to brunch and put up a Christmas tree. But you're not an adult. Nor should you aspire to be one.

Want to know when you start becoming an adult? The first time you're living on your own and some people in an apartment or house nearby are making noise late at night. And you call the cops. That's when you're an adult. When someone keeps you awake and you are outraged, flabbergasted that there are still people with no sense of decency. That's when you start becoming an adult. It's the saddest day of your life.

5. You'll stay in touch with your college friends.

Not a chance in hell. Do the smart thing and write people's names on the back of pictures. Because in a few years, you're not going to remember their real names. You'll remember some asinine nickname or some offensive story but you won't remember their name.

College friends are great and sure, some of them will become lifelong friends. But college, no matter how large in population, is still a fishbowl. Either you make friends with the people around you or you commit suicide or become one of those strange kids that transfer every few years. You're better off being the suicide kid than the weird transfer kids.

Give it time. All the traits that you loved about your friends in college will start to grate on you. You'll realize that some people you just kinda put up with but never really liked. And while you're realizing that about some of your friends, some of your friends will be realizing the same thing about you. What, do you think that you're all puppy dogs and sunshine? You suck too.