10 Most Painful Plays in Football For Gamblers
The 10 Most Painful Plays in Football, to a Gambler
When betting on football there are certain plays you come to expect that will ultimately cost you the game: turnovers, blocked punts, failed 2-point conversions – these are things you consider “part of the deal” and as a hardened gambler, are able to take in stride despite the indigestion.
But then there are other plays, more evil in nature, which will push you to your mental brink, at times send you into temporary gambling retirement, and no matter how often they’ve happened to you, never cease to induce incredibly foul f’n language and multiple remote controls screaming through the air.
I could live until I’m 1000 and still not understand why a team would run a 5-yard out pattern on 4th and 6. Its madness is what it is.
So as excruciating as this might be for me; and while I attempt to break the Barstool Sports F-bomb record currently held by John Dennis, I will now rank the 10 most painful f’n plays in football, to a gambler. Enjoy…
10. “The Unreviewable Play” - Just about everything can be reviewed these days…except the play YOU NEED to be f’n reviewed. Did you see the punt in the first half of the BC/FSU game?? It wasn’t even CLOSE to a violation on the hit, but guess what - can’t review it!
Ball popped loose for a fumble – whoops! Too late, whistle blew.
Listen, either f’n have instant replay or DON’T f’n have instant replay.
I’m waiting for the day when a receiver is sprinting down the sidelines and gets “Superkicked” HBK-style by the opposing team’s mascot with the ref not looking.
I can hear Al Michaels now - “You know John, it’s not until 2013 when they can review that play...”
“Yeah, that’s a shame” adds Madden, “They really should be able to challenge when the mascot Superkicks the receiver when he’s sprinting down the sidelines...”
I think I agree with Madden.
9. “The Lost First Down” - Holy crap, how many times do I have to see a receiver get the necessary yardage for the first down, then circle BACKWARDS trying to make a big play and lose the f’n first down!? Don’t they see the yellow line?? The gambler’s usual reaction to that play is the “Yeah-AWWWWW!” It’s like a dropped 3rd strike, but worse. Much worse.
8. “No Respect for the Under, Part I” - Most players know to get out of bounds when they need to stop the clock, but sometimes it’s like they have no f’n clue to stay IN bounds when they need to keep the clock moving.
Forget killing the clock for their actual team for a second - have they no sympathy for the guy who bet the Under??
Guys running out of bounds at the end of the 4th quarter is a sure fire way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory when you have the Under – probably the most grueling bet in all of football.
Remember, you can hit the Over in the 1st half sometimes, but it’s never over with the Under.
Roger?
Oveur?
Whaaa??
7. “The 5-yard out on 4th and 6” - Just MIND-BOGGLING on this one. It’s like a Terry Francona move. I mean what DON’T they get about 4th and f’n 6!? Not 5!....6!! Run 6 yards, THEN turnaround! God….
Insult to injury on this play is when they measure for the first down, it LOOKS like they get it by the nose of the football….but then the Dial-a-Down chain pops a Viagra and miraculously grows 6 more inches to force the change of possession.
6. “The Double Meaningless” - I’m guessing most people are familiar with “The Meaningless”, a.k.a. the “backdoor touchdown” to cover the spread. However, as painful as that can be, it pales in comparison to the dreaded “Double Meaningless.”
Picture it - Boise, Idaho: December, 2002 - The Humanitarian Bowl.
I had Iowa State +11.5 vs. Boise State. The Cyclones, down 17 points with 3 minutes left, marched down the field and actually GOT my much needed Meaningless to cut the lead to 10. Celebration time! I win!!.......That is, until Boise State got the ball back and instead of taking a knee, inexplicably started running their 2 minute offense!
No!! WHY THE F ARE THEY PASSING?!?
Of course they proceeded to slice right through the Iowa State defense, drove the length of the blue turf in less than a minute and scored the cruel and unusual “Double Meaningless” to win by 18.
Needless to say there was no “Triple Meaningless”…
5. “Ball Hits Phil Luckett” - Holy f’n crap. There really is nothing worse than when your receiver beats the defender….he’s WIDE open down the middle of the field…the quarterback throws a beautiful spiral heading right for his chest……only to see the back judge – Phil Luckett, interfere with the receiver and cause an incompletion.
Does anyone remember this play from a few years ago involving the Saints and the ‘infamous one’ - Phil Luckett? It was one of the single worst plays I’ve ever seen at any level in any sport. Including Charlestown Youth Hockey.
As my buddy told me at the time, when the ball hits Phil Luckett, you know it’s just not your day…
And incidentally, the play is un-reviewable.
4. “The 3 Stooges Play” – This is another backbreaker special. You gotta love it when your punter sticks one inside the 5 and 3 f’n guys on the punt team can’t down the damn ball. How does this happen?? Sometimes they even collide with one another like the 3 Stooges as the ball trickles by ever-so-slowly over the goal line.
Or even worse when they actually knock the ball in the endzone themselves.
It goes from a potential 3 and out, get the ball back at the midfield scenario – to 1st and 10 at the 20.
This might be the most frustrating play to watch because of how l-o-n-g it takes to develop and how you, as a viewer/gambler, unfortunately know exactly what’s coming.
3. “No Respect for the Under, Part II” - Like we said in Part I, it’s never over with the Under. But this is ESPECIALLY true in college. It could be 6-3 with 2 minutes left - you check the final score and its 57 – 56 in 5 OT’s!
I’ve been pleading for a rules change on this, but I’m thinking whoever invented the “Kansas City tiebreaker” didn’t have a clue about totals…
Or maybe he did….?
2. “The Missed Chip Shot or PAT”. 2 words: Joe Cortez. Apparently this guy still has a job, but for the love of God is there anyone more proficient at missing chip shot, game-covering field goals? Okay, maybe that guy on Pittsburgh a few years ago. Or the guy on the Chargers. Or the guy on the Saints!
This one stings because you as a degenerate have done everything right. You’ve handicapped the game perfectly, put yourself in position to win with 3 seconds left…..only to have Cortez f’n shank a 29 yarder.
1. “The Instant Classic” – I don’t think I really want to describe what losing the “Instant Classic” is, but reluctantly, I will anyway. Basically whenever you have Hail Mary’s, 5 downs, Immaculate Receptions, Bands on the Field, Music City Miracles, or any other ridiculous game-ending play that will not only be replayed for weeks on ESPN Classic, but will be talked about for the next hundred years - you just lost yourself an “Instant Classic”.
I couldn’t watch ESPN Classic for weeks after the Miami/Ohio State Championship game from ’03 – the channel was virtually eliminated from my Comcast flipping routine. They’re STILL showing the damn game today! And if anyone ever wants to talk about at a bar – I refuse.
So the #1 most painful f’n play to a gambler is anything that would qualify the game as an Instant Classic, for the simple reason that you’ll be forced to relive it until the day you die.
If you think I missed any, which I’m sure I have, please feel free to send a reply.
(Also receiving votes – the actual meaningless, the late hit out of bounds, the coach forgetting to go for 2, and offensive pass interference.)