Mock Draft of 40ish Celebrity Cougars
Since Barstool presented a long, hard, salacious, borderline creepy look at celebrity jailbait, it seems prudent to do a tribute to celebrity cougars as well, just to bring balance to the Depravity Force. And to keep us off the FBI's Sex Offender Unit watch list.
To eligible for selection, you have to be 40ish. Meaning you don't have to have blown out the candles on your 40th birthday cake, but you should at least be putting together an invite list. The choices are set up like the NFL draft, but the picks are strictly mine. I've seen some of Bill Belichick's taste in cougars, and while it's not bad, I think in this one area, I can do better.
1. Oakland: Monica Bellucci, U of Italy
Some will accuse me of reaching here, as Bellucci hasn't had the exposure of some of the other prospects. She's had no national TV games and no one remembers her performance in the Matrix sequels. But she's the best talent on the board and worth a No. 1.
2. Detroit: Phoebe Cates, Ridgemont
Remember, this is me drafting, not Matt Millen; he'd blow the pick with Kathy Bates, since he always goes for the wideouts this high. Cates is another pick who's not on everyone's radar, but she was great as a freshman, stayed in game shape and is ready to play at the 40+ level.
3. Cleveland: Halle Berry, Xavier School for the Gifted
Tremendous upside. Great legs. But some has some character issues. Some great performances ("Monster's Ball") and some terrible ones ("Catwoman"). But too much talent to pass up.
4. Tampa Bay: Salma Hayek, Ugly Betty St.
Most multi-talented pick on the board. Has produced on and off camera. Excellent measurables. Best upper body in the draft.
5. Arizona: Elizabeth Shue, Leaving Las Vegas U.
There is a tremendous amount of talent in this draft coming from the small programs. She goes high despite not having played much in her senior years on the basis of strong performances as a freshman.
6. Washington: Lauren Graham, Gilmore.
A proven prime time performer as a 7 year starter on the WB. Outshone even the young, talented, prized prospect Alexis Bledel.
7. Minnesota: Shania Twain, Canada.
This is me picking, remember, not the Vikings, so they actually get their pick in before time expires. Shania is bit of a reach at No. 7, as she tries to make the leap from the Canadian League back to the States. But in her mid 30's she was the consensus No. 1.
8. Atlanta: Faith Hill, Mississippi Girl's College
With Twain off the board, there's a run on Country music chicks.
9. Miami: Naomi Watts, Mulholland
A steal at No. 9. Watts has all the tools, excelled in the big games with the pressure on ("King Kong"), and will do whatever it takes to help the ballclub (including lesbo scenes).
10. Houston: Heather Locklear, Melrose
Transferred from "Dynasty" to "TJ Hooker" to "Melrose Place" to "Spin City" and "Boston Legal" without a drop off in performance. Will bring a ton of veteran leadership as she's been first team All American for 22 years.
11. San Francisco: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chicago
A great addition to a veteran team, as in recent years she's had a ton of experience working with the elderly (Michael Douglas).
12. Buffalo: Martina McBride, Country U.
Impressed scouts with performance on "American Idol" and the best Country music chick still on the board.
13. St. Louis: Elizabeth Hurley, England
Played at an extremely high level as an underclassman. Has tailed off somewhat lately, raising concern that she's on the downside of her career. But still capable of displaying hotness.
14. Carolina: Diane Lane, Outsiders State
A steal at No. 14, Lane was higher on most draft boards. A total package. Is maintaining sexiness at a high level as she ages, as demonstrated by her boner-inducing late-career performance in "Unfaithful."
15. Pittsburgh: Ashley Judd, Grisham A & M.
Good looking pick despite lack of size in upper body. Nice wheels. Versatile, can contribute in acting, singing, modeling.
16. Green Bay: Marisa Tomei, Rescue U.
Had a breakout performance as a freshman in "My Cousin Vinny," but has struggled to get back to that level of cuteness. Was beginning to be considered a bust, but has salvaged her career in the right system, playing a 40-something horn-dog in "Rescue Me."
