Mistakes Nobody Should Have to Make

I will freely admit that when I was younger, I did a lot of stupid stuff.  I called guys when I shouldn’t have, I held on far too long when things were clearly not going well, and generally made a giant fool of myself many, many times as I was wading my way through the bar scene, the hook-up scene, whatever you want to call it.  But no matter how many stupid things I did, no matter how many times my bad behavior warranted calls to the police (thank you, Mr. Boston vodka), I held onto the hope that eventually, things would get better.  And thankfully, they did.  Well, kind of. 

So now I sit on my high horse (fine, I sit in my living room in my pajamas like a loser) and watch my friends and relations go up against the terrors of meeting people, and I hope that they have better luck than I do.  I mean, I don’t have regrets per se, but there are a few things I wish people had told me, I could have accepted and moved on, instead of learning the hard way (read: being a complete ass).  There are six big mistakes I made when I was younger that I really, really hope you don’t repeat.  This week I’ll share the first three with you.

Not getting the hint

Pretending boring people aren’t boring is always a mistake.  Even if someone is hot, it doesn’t matter.  Boring people are not any fun to be around, and it’s better to be alone, getting no ass at all than getting boring ass from a boring person.  I used to date a guy who was hot.  Like, super hot.  I know you’re shocked, but miracles do happen, okay?  The only problem was that he was the most boring person in the entire world.  Seriously.  I could ignore it pretty easily when we would go out and get hammered, but one time, he was feeling ill and decided that he would take it easy.  Being the nice person I am, I agreed and we sat there, staring at one another, for like twenty minutes.  Desperate, I ordered a whiskey and prayed he would follow suit.  He did not, and instead launched into a forty-five minute discussion about bread.  Yes, bread.  Now, I’m always up for a food conversation, but this was painful.  So I proceeded to drink myself into oblivion and convince myself the next morning that the date was good – fun, even.  After a month or so, he ended up dropping me for reasons that now escape me (what?!  I don’t have to tell you everything), and I was mad, but I was madder at myself.  Why would I waste my time with some guy who was less interesting than a Pete Manzo article (kidding)?  Lame.  But I did it and I beg you not to do the same.  I could have been watching great TV and hanging out with my friends.  Huge mistake.

Talking too much got me in trouble when I was a kid, and it didn’t do me any better as an adult.  Gossiping always comes back to bite me in the ass, and it will probably do the same for you.  For example, I once casually mentioned that a guy I was seeing wasn’t circumcised.  I didn’t think it was a big deal; I just told a couple of girlfriends.  And really, what’s so embarrassing about that?  There were many other, far more sordid details I kept to myself.  But sure enough, a few nights later, he comes up to me all butt-hurt, demanding why I was going around giving everyone intimate details of his intact foreskin.  I should have known that my girlfriend, who had a crush on him, would have gone straight to him and spilled everything in the hopes that he would drop me and date her.  Of course he did, I stopped being friends with this girl, and even though he turned out to be gay, for those few months before he came out, I felt like a total idiot.  But I guess I see his point.  I wouldn’t want a bunch of guys sitting around talking about my, um, parts, and I definitely wouldn’t want to find out from some other bitch that it was happening.  If I had wised up and kept my mouth shut, we could have had some blissful months together.  Well, aside from the whole gay thing…   

So here are the first three, but don’t worry, the shame continues.  Join me next week as I reveal the other three bonehead things I wish I hadn’t done, and until then, I’ll be the girl with the bag over her head.  Don’t say hi.