Matt Cassel’s 2028 Wikipedia Entry
Matthew Brennan Cassel (born May 17, 1982 in Northridge, California) was an American football quarterback for the New England Patriots of the NFL. He led New England to six Super Bowl championships and was a five time winner of the league’s MVP award. He was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame and went on to a distinguished post-football career.
Youth and high school career
Cassel was a member of the Northridge, California baseball team that reached the finals of the 1994 Little League World Series. Cassel attended the former Chatsworth High School (now known as Matt Cassel High School) and was a letterman and standout in football and baseball. As a senior, he was ranked as the number eight quarterback and number 53 overall of the top high school players in the nation.
College career
Cassel spent his entire career at USC as a backup behind Heisman Trophy winners Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart. During his four seasons at USC, Cassel completed 19 of 33 passes for 192 yards, with no touchdowns and one interception.
Professional career
Cassel was selected by the Patriots in the seventh round of the 2005 NFL Draft with the 230th overall pick, ahead of more accomplished college quarterbacks such as Timmy Chang and Heisman winner Jason White. He spent the first three seasons of his career as the back up QB to legendary, record-setting Patriots QB Tom Brady.
Starter
As the Patriots’ second-stringer behind Brady, Cassel began his career seeing playing time, relegated mainly to mop-up duty in blowout wins. It wasn’t until the early part of the 2008 NFL season that he saw his playing time increase dramatically. Brady was injured in the first quarter of the first game of the season when Kansas City Chief Bernard Pollard smashed his helmet into Brady’s left knee, tearing his ACL and MCL and forcing the QB to miss the rest of the season. Cassel completed 13-of-18 passes for 152 yards and 1 TD in that game as the Patriots established a new NFL record with 20 consecutive regular season wins.
Cassel’s first start since high school came the following week, Sept. 14, 2008 against the NY Jets. Due to Brady’s absence, Cassel’s inexperience and the fact that the Jets QB was Brett Favre, Las Vegas oddsmakers made New England underdogs for the first time since the 2006 AFC Championship game. But Cassel was brilliant, outplaying Favre and leading the Patriots to the stunning upset victory.
The First Championship
Over the course of the 2008 season, the oddsmakers gave New England underdog status several more times, but led by Cassel, they proved up for the challenge. The team won their first ten games, until losing in surprising fashion in Miami when Cassel threw his first interception of the season, which was returned for game-winning Dolphin TD. Cassel’s teammates, though unanimously praised him after the game:
*Nose Tackle Vince Wilfork said “You know, we all hate to lose, but at the end of the day, this loss is a relief. Truly. Last year’s quest for an undefeated season weighed heavily on this team. And now that we don’t have that hanging over our heads, we’re just another good football team, free to focus on winning the Super Bowl.”
*Special Teamer Larry Izzo added “Last year we were like Icarus; we flew too close to the sun, the wax in our wings melted and in the last minute of the Super Bowl we crashed. It’s a relief to not have to deal with the hubris of being 19-0.”
*And Guard Logan Mankins agreed. “It was brilliant of Matt, really. He removed the distraction of the Perfect Season and allowed us to concentrate on what really matters: the championship. The ring. He’s like a Turkish rug maker, putting one flaw in his creation to demonstrate that only Allah is perfect.”
The Patriots were perfect over the rest of the season, winning their last eight games in a row, including Super Bowl XLIII over the “Greatest Show on Sand” Arizona Cardinals team 54-3, for New England’s 4th NFL championship. Cassel was named the MVP of that game after throwing for a record seven TD’s and running for two more.
Controversies
Shortly after becoming the Patriots starter, Cassel began a series of torrid love affairs which captured the imagination of the tabloid press. Former American Idol winner Jordan Sparks began publicly wearing a “Broken Promise” ring after losing her virginity to Cassel. She flashed the ring to the audience at the Grammy Awards and declared “What can I do? I was powerless. He’s Matt Friggin’ Cassel!” This began a long series of affairs in which Cassel would deflower B-list Hollywood celebrities including all of MTVs reality starlets and every female cast member of “High School Musical 3.”
The 2009 NFL season was a highly anticipate one as most of the football world expected an intense competition for the Patriots starting QB job. But Tom Brady defused the situation on the first day of training camp when he told reporters “I’m 100% OK with being Matt’s backup. After the way he played last year, I’ll gladly hold the clipboard until I’m needed.”
Early in the 2009 season, the Patriots faced the Chiefs for the first time since Brady’s injury. On the first play from scrimmage, Pollard blitzed in on Cassel, apparently unblocked. Cassel stepped back in the pocket, fired the ball into Pollard’s midsection and, improbably, not only tore the ACL and MCL in both of Pollard’s knees, but ruptured both of his testicles and ended his career on the spot. The words Cassel used on the play, “Tear THIS, Asswipe!” not only became a rallying cry for the Patriot organization, but the slogan “Tear THIS, Asswipe!” t-shirts became the No. 1 fashion trend of 2009. The company that copyrighted the expression and printed the shirts, Barstool Sports, went public and it’s stock was purchased in a leveraged buyout by Quaker Oats, Inc. Barstool Sports founder El Presidente left the firm and used profits from to live his dream of pursuing humanitarian efforts worldwide. Ironically, after leading the Patriots to victory in Super Bowl XLIV and winning his second straight Super Bowl MVP award, Cassel thanked another Barstool writer. “Everything I’ve accomplished I owe to Jerry Thornton! He was the first one to believe in me, and I’ll never forget it! Without you Jerry, I’m nothing!” The following season Thornton was hired as the Patriots QB’s Coach.
In 2010, the term “Cassel” became synonymous with replacing someone and surpassing their accomplishments. It’s widespread usage was established during the Iran War when the NY Times ran the headline “VP Palin Cassels McCain; Leads US to Victory.”
Late Career
Cassel also lead the Patriots to victories in Super Bowls XLVIII, L, LI, and LIII. By the time of his retirement, he had eclipsed all of Peyton Manning’s career records. He was elected into the Hall of Fame immediately after his last championship. The mandatory five year waiting period for eligibility was waived after John Madden and Peter King appeared at the post game trophy ceremony and displayed the words “We [heart] Matt Cassel More Than We Ever [heart]ed Favre” tattooed across their buttocks.
Post NFL Career
Cassel proved to be just as brilliant off the field as on it. He made billions in real estate, investing in polar real estate just before the ice caps melted. He then built a stadium on the land he owned and bought an expansion franchise in NFL: South America. Cassel’s Antarctica Penguins beat the Peru Llamas to win the Belichick Trophy three straight years.
Political Career
Cassel’s brilliance, charisma and star power led to him being courted by both the Republican, Democratic and WTF/LOL/LMAO parties to become their candidates for president. But Cassel said “no” to a life in politics, retiring instead to a quiet life of seducing supermodels at his palacial mansion in Bob Kraft Retail City (formerly known as Foxboro) MA. Cassel’s one brief foray into the political arena came in 2025, when he outsmarted our alien overlords with his ability to read their defenses and thwart their plans to enslave the human race. Cassel’s performance in that crisis is credited with inspiring armed combatants worldwide to lay down their arms and open up dialogues with one another, bringing about our current era of harmony and understanding on Earth. Last year, Cassel was awarded the Nobel Prizes both in Peace and in Medicine when it was discovered that his breath can bring loved ones and pets back from the dead.
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