The Mandatory "Welcome To Boston" Article For College Students

Every September college kids return to Massachusetts and the rest of the state freaks out. The vast majority of college students are good, decent, God-fearing, All American kids just looking to experiment with group sex and alcohol poisoning for a few years but from the collective sense of hysteria that envelops this state you would think that they were an Abercrombie & Fitch offshoot of Al Qaeda hell-bent on stealing the Sacred Cod from the State House and ramming it up David Ortiz's ass.

So, in an effort to scare these college students into a state of near total panic and anxiety and ensure that they toe the line, every media outlet publishes some sort of over-the-top, Masshole-heavy, soundtrack by The Dropkick Murphys guide to Boston for these diabolical newcomers. The guides are typically written by people that moved to Boston for college several years ago, don't have the seniority to laugh in their editor's face when they're told to write another, hackneyed "Guide to Boston" for college students and believe that hipster-rich Somerville and Cambridge are part of Boston but Bostonian-rich Roxbury, Dorchester and Mattapan aren't.

The end result is that each September every new group of Boston-area college students gets the same tired, stereotyped portrayal of the city. It's just wrong.

This is 21st Century Boston. You can't stereotype residents based on what neighborhood they live in. South End- gay. Beacon Hill- rich. South Boston- Irish and/or rich and gay. It makes no sense to promote inaccurate and misleading stereotypes of our city when so much has changed since those stereotypes were first promoted back in 2003.

Especially when we could be stereotyping all these new college students.

The reality is that the 2007 group of new college students is a lost cause. They've already read all the "Welcome to Boston" stories. They're already convinced that we're all called Sully and that anyone in a Yankees hat will get shanked. Especially if they're black. Because everyone in Boston hates black people. Even black people in Boston hate black people. That's how serious we are about our racism in this town. Actually, if you're black and reading this, save us white people the trouble and just punch yourself in the face a few times. Same goes for Latinos, Asians, Mexicans, Inuit, Sudanese, Australian Aborigines, Berbers, Javanese, Quebecois, non-Sherpa Nepalese, Kyrgyz, Moors and Manx.

Goddamn Manx sons of a bitches. Go back to the Isle of Man where you belong.

Right now some 18-year old kid is sitting his dorm room trying to figure out how to take the T somewhere and he's petrified because he's been brainwashed into believing that if he wanders into the South End he'll be married off to some Fabulous Massachusetts Blue State Liberal Homosexual. And that's his best case scenario because if he ends up in Southie a roving gang of Irish toughs/ math savants will notice that he's 25% English and garrote him in the basement of some local watering hole while Whitey Bulger diddles himself.

Who do these kids think they are to stereotype us with the stereotypes that we ourselves actively promote in the media and popular culture? The balls on these kids today.

Well, as any sociologist knows, the only way to stop stereotypes is to stereotype the shit out of the other side. College kids, welcome to our city. Now here's what we think of you.

Harvard

What We Think You All Are: Douchebags, Pretentious douchebags, ripe for a fall douchebags, not hot enough to warrant a ride to Harvard Square, suicidal, doomed

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because you would all flee to Canada once you saw us coming, because you make us feel manly, because maybe you know somebody that can introduce us to Natalie Portman, because your dad is our douchebag boss.

Emerson

What We Think You All Are: future production assistants, grimy, the losers that play ultimate Frisbee on the Common, AV dorks

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because maybe you'll end up working at 'EEI and will have the balls to tell the hosts to stop yelling, because no one knows where the hell you people live

UMass Boston

What We Think You All Are: gritty, working moms, OFD, scary, the janitor in our office with big dreams of wearing a suit and tie to work for $3 more an hour

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because no one wants to go all the way to UMB to find you, because we could get crushed by the crumbling buildings, because you're actually from Boston and are probably tougher than us

Suffolk

What We Think You All Are: lazy, desperate to go to school in Boston, future financial customer service reps, a guy that gets his dad to drop him off at college each morning

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because once you actually land a job, you'll make us look good by comparison, because no one wants to drive to Billerica and Weymouth

MIT

What We Think You All Are: Asian, Chinese, Korean, North Korean, suicidal but crazy enough to do it, virgins, Asian virgins, freakishly smart

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because we like a challenge, because you're the geeks that make video games, because we saw what could happen when nerds are bullied in Revenge of the Nerds

Tufts

What We Think You All Are: pissed off that you're not at Harvard, rich douchebags, the people that made Somerville expensive, heading back to the Upper East Side in four years, over-the-top liberal do-gooders in shit brown and blue t-shirts

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because as long as you're still around maybe Jessica Biel will stop by for a visit, because it's more fun to watch you seethe because you're not as special as the kids at Harvard, because Mayor Curtatone would probably tow our car

Simmons

What We Think You All Are: Lesbians, lesbians that couldn't get into Smith

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because you're chicks, because no one knows where your campus is, because maybe you really are lesbians and will respond to our incessant chants of "Scissor her!"

Emmanuel

What We Think You All Are: anonymous, a bunch of guys that better be getting laid with that ridiculous guy-girl ratio, our future nannies, slow

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because you're named after our Lord and we're scared of eternal damnation

BU

What We Think You All Are: Jihadis, Saudi royalty, Jersey trash, hot Jewish chicks, retards when it comes to crossing a street, hockey players, suckers for concrete and loneliness, sluts

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because that's exactly what some of you want, because you go to clubs and act slutty and feign self-esteem, because it's amusing that you get so worked up about a hockey tournament that no one really gives a shit about

Lesley

What We Think You All Are: The upper echelon of nursery school teachers, depressed

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because we're going to need a babysitter in a few years and you'll work cheap

Boston College

What We Think You All Are: preppy douchebags, Jersey trash, slutty Catholic girls who know exactly where Planned Parenthood is, popped collars, delusional about your place in the world, delusional about the quality of your athletic program, on a mission to give Doug Flutie the best blowjob of his life

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because the ACC isn't inviting Regis to join anytime soon, because you're cheap dates, because even we are a little leery about the power of Flutie

Bunker Hill Community College

What We Think You All Are: slightly retarded, multiple offender, going there on a dare, probably the child of someone we know so we'll end it there

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because retarded people are sneaky strong, because you learned to enjoy killing when you were doing a stretch in Leavenworth, because the way our lives are going, we'll probably end up working for you

MA College of Art

What We Think You All Are: Hippies with paintbrushes, soon-to-be welfare recipients, people that disappoint their parents

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because you're too high to notice, because that's exactly what your parents want, because then who would sell their art in Starbucks

Berklee

What We Think You All Are: Hippies with musical instruments, buskers, the shithead that I'm about to run down because none of you know how to cross the street

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because one of you band dorks is going to be famous, because the rest of you will be playing at our weddings

Northeastern

What We Think You All Are: Meatheads, rioters, the intern we get to torture, Jersey trash that couldn't get into BU, Massholes that should have gone to UMass and are just pissing their parents' money away

Why We Don't Go On A Jihad Against You: Because you live to riot, because we'll be needing you to go on Dunkin' Donuts' runs soon, because it's more fun to watch you get your hopes crushed in the Beanpot