The Man Who Kicks More Ass Than Jack Bauer

Like everybody else, in the last four years I've seen Jack Bauer save the country from annihilation more times than I've had hot dinners. But there's one man on TV, hell I go so far as to say one man in TV history, that I'd more want to have around when the chips are down and the world has it's collective nuts in a sling.

Vic Mackey.

I admit it's a no-win argument. The Bauer vs. Mackey debate is like having to choose your favorite Patriot, Brady or Bruschi. Or asking who's a better hitter, Manny or Papi. Or who's hotter, Kate Beckinsale or Jessica Alba. And for sure, I'm not going to do one of those godawful Dan Shaugnessy "Philly-has-cheesesteak-Boston-has-chowder" comparison jobs ("Bauer has Chloe; Mackey has Shane. Edge: Bauer"). I just want to lay out a case for my man, Vic.

Exhibit 1: Mackey Has a Better Signature Line. I'll never be able to hear the question "Who do you work for?" without thinking of Jack Bauer. He might as well copyright it; he flat-out owns that expression now. But right from the very first episode of Season One of "The Shield", Mackey summed up the entire series in one sentence. When the other detectives couldn't get a pervert to tell them where he was hiding an eight-year-old girl, they called on Vic. "What are you" the sick bastard asked, "the good cop or the bad cop?" "The good cop and the bad cop went home" he said, "I'm a different kind of cop." Then he proceeded to beat the guy senseless with a phone book until he gave up the girl.

Exhibit 2: Mackey is Better at Dealing With Rats. When Christopher Henderson refused to tell Bauer what he knew about the nerve gas last week, Jack threatened to shoot him in the kneecap. Realizing it would be futile, Jack shot Henderson's wife in the leg instead. An outstanding move, one that would be good enough to beat out any other competition. But here it's just the Alydar to Mackey's Affirmed, a close second. Again, going back to the series premiere of "The Shield," when Capt. Acevedo put Terry Crowley on the Strike Team to dig up dirt on them, Vic lead them into a crack house, took out the dealer who lived there, put a bullet in Crowley's head, then planted the gun on the perp. That's how we all found out this show wasn't going to be T.J. Hooker.

Exhibit 3: Mackey Gets Intel the Old Fashioned Way. With one speed dial call, Jack can get Chloe to send him the schematics of the security system in a private apartment building or search databases for a face match for any terrorist on Earth. Mackey invariably has to rely on pimps, drug dealers, paid criminal informants and of course that old cop drama standard, walking into a strip joint.

Exhibit 4: Vic is Wittier When He Tortures People. Again, taking nothing away from Bauer. When he wanted to illict info from the Russian guy who could arm the nerve gas canisters, he had a line that was pure Bauerian seething rage, "By the time I'm through with you, you'll wish you felt this good." Goose bumps. But I'll have to go with Mackey again, like the time when he told an uncooperative suspect to write this down: "L.I.F.E. S.U.X." Then he stuffed the note in the guys pocket, dragged him to a third-floor window and said, "You're about to die a bad speller."

Exhibit 5: Vic's Bosses Hate Him. Buchanan trusts Bauer completely. He gives him a wide berth and supports him in everything he does. That puts him in with .00001% of bosses in America. Every captain Vic has had has made it their mission in life to see him led away in handcuffs. Except Glenn Close, who for half a season learned to work with Vic, and got fired. Currently running the Barn is Lt. Kavanaugh from IAD who's threatened Vic's wife, made Danny sign a sworn document admitting that she's been boinking Vic and frozen his family's bank accounts. Ahab was less obsessed with the goddamned whale.

Exhibit 6: Vic Celebrates Diversity. In four words, he managed to insult every ethnic group in Los Angeles, "No speakee Ebonics, shithead." Pure gold.

Exhibit 7: Vic Just Had a Tougher 24 Hrs. Than Jack. Kavanaugh, still breathing down the Strike Teams neck about the Crowley murder, snaps and puts Lem in jail. He gets bail set at $100,000 and cuts a deal with Antoine Mitchell that he'll put all Vic's boys in the same jail as him, so he can kill them. Vic promises Lem he'll have him out in 24 hours. To get the cash with his assets frozen, he finds a guy who runs weed down from Canada and shakes him down. But the guys stepson, who's wanted for murder, stole the money. Vic finds the kid and steals the cash minutes before Wyms and Dutch show up. Then Mrs. Mackey confronts Danny for sleeping with Vic and tells her if she's carrying his baby she'll regret it because he'll be a lousy father.

I don't care how many assassination attempts Jack survives. Nothing could be worse than that.