Am I a Loser Because I like Star Wars?

So “Star Wars: Episode III” comes out on Thursday, easily the most anticipated movie of the year. The film is sure to beef up what has so far been a weak year at the box office, even with such Academy Award candidates as “Fever Pitch” and “Kicking and Screaming” seducing audiences into the theater with their heavy plotlines, intense dialogue, and epic romance. And this week, just like every other time one of these movies has been released, I am forced to confront an epic question about my own existence:

Am I a loser because I like “Star Wars?”

Personally, I think “Star Wars” (and its fans) gets a bad rap. It is dismissed by many people as being a “space movie” for little kids, or an excuse for 40-somethings to take a break from their Dungeons and Dragons league to dress up as Boba Fett and stand in line outside Loew’s Cinemas and have light saber duels. Its fans are seen as idiotic rubes who don’t have jobs, wives, girlfriends, or clean sex offender records. The movies are ridiculed as being campy and pretentious, with characters that were seemingly written up for easy transplanting to a Hasbro toy line or a video game fight scene. Whenever one of the new movies comes out, uppity media outlets (including our local sports radio morning show guys, always pillars of tolerance and open-mindedness) write off “Star Wars” as a shallow, nerdy excuse for guys who wore pocket protectors in high school to get their jollies over seeing a girl in a bikini chained to a slimy beast.

Well, many of those criticisms are pretty accurate. But “Star Wars” is still a great story, if you can get past the inherent cheesiness that George Lucas stuffs into every movie. There is something for everyone in there. It is good entertainment for little kids, with cute Ewoks, droids, and the ever-annoying Jar Jar Binks. On another level, for the more intellectual or theological crowd, it raises some interesting philosophical questions about the corruption of human nature, but also the essential goodness in all people. It is the ultimate secular version of the Christian story of redemption; we saw that in “Return of the Jedi” when Vader turns the tables, destroys the Emperor, and reveals the good still in him. And then, for the skin-starved nerd who dreams of getting revenge on the kids who picked on him as a kid, it has some eye candy, great battle scenes, fight sequences, special effects, and futuristic technology.

Some of the movies are better than others, however. Here is my ranking of the first five “Star Wars” movies, in ascending order:

5. Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I have to admit that I’m not as well-versed in Episodes I and II as I am with the original trilogy. This one, though, seemed to have fewer strengths than the others. Any movie that has as its central character a 9-year-old kid who is somehow a world-class pilot immediately loses some credibility. It also wasted way too much time on the stupid pod-race, however, the two-headed play-by-play guy for the race was a pretty humorous touch in the ESPN age.

4. Episode II: Attack of the Clones. This one had its moments, such as a great battle scene at the end with the droid armies and an appearance by a young Boba Fett. However, these were tainted by the stale love story between 19-year-old Anakin and 27-year-old Amidala. Are we supposed to believe that they fell in love ten years ago when he was nine years old? He must really be the Chosen One if he thought he could land a girl eight years older than him when he was in the fourth grade. Personally, I don’t buy it.

3. Episode IV: A New Hope. Some people like this one the most because it was the original and therefore the most “pure” of the films. However, it’s also slow and the plot is shallow, lacking the scope of the subsequent movies. Of course, it is essential viewing if you want to understand the central concepts of the series, but overall it brings little to the table. I rank it #3 only because the final Death Star battle scene is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. Between the ages of 9 and 13, I probably spent $50 in Chuck E Cheese tokens on the “Star Wars” arcade game based on that scene.

2. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. I loved the scenes on Tattooine when Leia dresses up as a bounty hunter to free Han Solo from carbonite and Jabba tries to toss them into the pit. And the battle scene on the Death Star with the Emperor killing Luke with the finger-lightning and Vader turning the tables on his master still gives me chills. Overall, this is a great movie; only the cheesiness of the Ewok scenes keep this one from serious consideration for #1.

1. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. This is the first movie I remember seeing in the theaters. I loved the beginning scenes on the ice world of Hoth, especially when Han goes out after Luke and ends up storing him inside the guts of his dead Ton-Ton. (Where did Han sleep that night? Did he and Luke get cozy inside the body of a dead animal? The answer to that question has always eluded me.) The Cloud City scenes still make me uneasy, especially the part when they open the door and Darth Vader is sitting at the table and takes their weapons. Most of all, this movie has a consistent pace to it; there is always a general feeling of foreboding and uneasiness that creates automatic tension and interest. Plus, there aren’t any cheesy half-man half-animal species to ruin the fun. Just a good movie from start to finish, with great character development, solid acting, and a good mix of action and intellectualism.

I am expecting good things from “Episode III”; maybe that is too much to ask, since Episodes I and II left a lot to be desired. However, this one has a lot of potential. From what I have read so far, the scenes where Anakin is transformed into Darth Vader are some of the most spine-tingling in the series. While I will not be clad in a C-3PO metallic costume when I see the movie, I am still excited to see it. And if you see anyone walking down the street dressed up as Vader or Obi-Wan Kenobi, my advice is to steer clear of conversation; you never know when they might pull an old Jedi mind trick on you.

OK, I admit it… “Star Wars” does turn me into a BIT of a loser after all.