Be Like Bell

By Patrick Ronan

If only people were a little more like Mark Bellhorn, then maybe the world would be a better place.

Mark Bellhorn? You think I am joking. Don't you? Well, think again. Mark Bellhorn is the epitome of what every professional athlete should strive to be like. And further more, what every human being should strive to be like.

You are so confused right now. Because you know absolutely nothing about Mark Bellhorn, the person. All you know is that he's the guy who hit .264 and smacked 17 home runs in addition to playing second base for the Boston Red Sox last season. You also know that he struck out an American League leading 177 times and was third in the AL with 88 walks. He delivered a huge 3-run homer to left field in Game 6 of the ALCS against the New York Yankees. He hit the game winner in Game 1 of the World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. But what else do you know about the man? He's the guy with the greasy long hair and the 5 o'clock shadow. He's the creepy guy who doesn't say anything to the media and shows absolutely no outward emotion during play.

And that's why he's the perfect professional athlete. We don't hear about his contract disputes. We don't hear about his bitching in the locker room. We haven't seen him in any local television ads. And we certainly don't know if he ever cheated on his wife after reading a "tell-all" auto-biography. You know him only as the second baseman for the Sox. And that's good enough for me.

Everybody has, for the most part, embraced their roles in the Boston clubhouse. Kevin Millar has become the cheerleader. Manny Ramirez is the space shot. Johnny Damon is the Holy Idiot. And even half the bullpen has developed some sort of personality that is seen in some way or form in interviews or on-the-field delivery. I am not knocking any of these characteristics at all. It's what made last season's run so memorable. A group of cartoon characters that won the game's richest prize. It was glorious.

However, kids, your true role model on the hometown team should be the man wearing No. 12 on the right side of the infield.

He's the master of indifference. The sultan of stoneface. The emperor of emotionless. He's exactly what you want on your ball club.

You're a pitcher and you strike out an opposing hitter. What gives you more satisfaction? A batter who yells to himself or the umpire, flailing his bat in frustration, doing all that he can to change his destiny? Or a batter who looks at you with a blank stare, accepts his fate and walks back to the dugout without a hiccup? You just struck out a man with a variety of your best stuff and he doesn't give you the satisfaction of letting you know that it bothers him. Brilliant.

And same for the guy's home run trot. Bellhorn takes the same approach as if he had just K'd, except he delivers it while rounding the bases. You can't break the man.

Dare I say, he may be the one guy I would most fear in a bench clearing brawl. We've seen Manny getting heated, flashback to Game 3 of 2003 ALCS. I've seen Ortiz lose his shit. If the bat toss was an Olympic event, Big Papi would be sporting a gold medal to go along with that new World Series ring. Trot looked like he was one step away from committing a crime that would land him on death row against the Devil Rays. Even a little guy like Billy Mueller has shown that fire in the right circumstances. But Mark Bellhorn? Would you really want that guy to lose his temper? What the hell would he do? He'd probably gut you.

Let me backtrack just a bit. It certainly isn't a bad thing to show emotion. Not by any means. Some of the game's best are full of that fiery passion. Derek Jeter. Roger Clemens. But it's easy to hate those guys. Do you really want to be any of those guys in your everyday life? The guy who pumps his fist and riles up the masses? Ok, well, maybe you do. But that's what makes me better than you because I'm above that mental level in life. And so is Marky Mark.

Tale the Bell's countenance and approach and put them in play in your everyday lives and watch things improve dramatically. Some examples...

You get fired from your job. Your car gets stolen. Your girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend. You fucking lose it, don't you? Why me? This is horrible! Why does this have to happen to me?!?! Wah wah wah! Sounds like an A-Rod type of response to me. And do you really want to be anything like that man?

Shake it off. Take a walk. Have a beer. You'll be O-K. You'll be up again. You're time will come.

And on the flip side....

You get a promotion. You score a date with the hot bartender you've been working game on for months. You just bought the "Best of Weird Al" CD. So, you're on top of the world and you sure as hell let the world know it. You brag. You have a new swagger in your step. Nothing can bring you down from your mountain!

Common, son. Get yourself together. Act like you've been to the glory land before. Do it Bellhorn style. The guy isn't a future Hall of Famer, or even an All-Star for that matter, but he knows that better than anyone. He knows his role. He does his job. And like every one, sometimes he screws up. Because in the end, that's what we're all doing. We got a job to do and we're doing the best we can to make sure that job is done correctly. If it isn't, then try harder. If it is. Congratulations. Go back and do it again.

But don't dance. Don't curse. Don't show the opposition any part of who you are without that "business uniform" on. Good money is being spent on you doing your job. So act like an employee. Be more like Bellhorn. And carry on my wayward son.