Life Goals
If I had to guess the average age of the Barstool Sports staff, I’d put it right around 30. A few of us may be younger and a few of us may be older, but that’s probably a pretty good guess. And let me tell you something; 30 years old is an interesting age. Not to sound too depressing but I think turning 30 is when you pretty much are forced to give up on most of your life dreams. For example, I no longer see a private jet or membership to an exclusive country club in my future. Retirement at age 35 is a joke and it appears as though I’m never going to be rich and famous like I planned Yup, the dreams of my childhood are by all account dead. But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t have dreams and goals. I’ve just modified them a bit. So without further ado, here is my new set of life goals for the 30 year old man.
1. Learn How To Read the DRF
For those of you who don’t gamble the DRF is the Daily Racing Form. This is the book with all the charts and symbols to read when you’re trying to handicap a horse race. I’ve been going to Suffolk Downs since I’ve been 14 years old. Literally. And I still don’t totally understand the Daily Racing Form. I understand most of it, but not all of it. For example I don’t understand how you can compare the workout times between horses and figure anything out. Also, just the other day I was going to bet on a 6-1 shot at Belmont but didn’t because the horse had a symbol next to all his races that I didn’t know what it meant and it scared me off. Naturally the horse won. I want to be the guy at Suffolk Downs who scribbles all over the DRF and makes notes to himself, capable of making a selection without anybody else’s opinion.
2. Blow Cigar Smoke Circles
I’m a huge cigar fan. But that doesn’t mean I’m any good at smoking them. In fact, I’m pretty bad at it. I struggle cutting them. I struggle lighting them and I always forget to rotate them so they don’t end up all ashy on one side. In my ideal world I’d be a real smooth cigar smoker. There would be nothing better than the ability to blow cigar smoke circles in somebody’s face, preferably while reading the DRF at Suffolk.
3. Learn a Magic Trick
Remember that scene in The Natural where Gus correctly predicts how much money is in Roy Hobbs’ pockets until Hobbs reaches behind Memo’s ear and pulls out extra silver? That’s what I call a magic trick. Now I don’t need one as good as that. I don’t need to be like David Blaine and make people levitate. But I would like to know a solid magic trick that I can pull out whenever I need an ice breaker or something at a party. I mean who doesn’t love magic?
4. Learn about Wine
One of my favorite pastimes is when I go out to dinner with the First Lady and we order a bottle of wine. The waiter brings over the bottle and then pours me a little so I can taste it and I obviously say it tastes great even though I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. The wine could taste like vinegar and I’d say it tasted great. I mean I don’t know the first thing about wine except that I like it. I have no idea how to describe it or describe what I like. You could put a million wines in front of me and I probably couldn’t tell any of them apart. Just once I’d like to shock a waiter by telling him that the Shiraz was too sweet or aged too long if either of those things make any sense and see what happens next.
5. Give Good Massages
There is no excuse for me or anybody like me not to be able to give good massages. Once you’re done playing sports and for most that ends in high school and for some in college, there is nothing to separate you from everybody else with the ladies. But if you are a good masseuse well then forget about it. It’s got to be the easiest pick up line in America right? “Hey, I’m a certified masseuse, how about a neck massage” There really is no excuse why I haven’t learned this skill yet. I honestly can’t think of a better skill to have to help you get laid than being a good masseuse.
6. Rotate Poker Chips in my hands
We’ve all seen the professional poker players rotate their chips in their fingers before. If I ever sat down at a table with a guy who was doing that I’d be intimidated to all hell. I’d love to go to Foxwoods and just start rotating poker chips in my fingers like it was going out of style. I’d just stare at the 13 year old kid in the shades with the Walkman on until he cried and told me what he had.
7. Change a Tire
The more I write this article the more I’m beginning to think I’m going to get emails with people calling me a girl. I know it’s bad that I can’t change a tire. I guess I just never took the time to learn. And I suck at cars to begin with. I took Automotive Class in high school but I skipped it 95% of the time and paid no attention the other 5% of the time that I went. But I decided enough was enough a few months ago when a girlfriend of mine blew her front tire and I called Triple A to get it fixed. The guy came to the apartment and fixed the tire while me and the girl sat and watched. It was horrible. I felt my balls disappearing as he worked on the car. I almost asked the mechanic if he wanted to sleep with her real quick while I watched. After it was over I vowed that I would never let this happen again. But truth be told, I still have no clue how to change a flat. It’s something I need to rectify before I turn 40.
8. Whistle with my fingers in my mouth
I figure one day I’m going to be either a Pop Warner Coach or a Little League Coach or something to that effect. I want to be one of the coaches that have an intimidating whistle. I’m talking about the kind where you stick two fingers in you mouth and whistle. Those things are the best. I have absolutely no idea how to do it, but I figure I got 10-15 years to learn.
9. Get a short Game
I’m a slightly below average golfer in my mind. An average round for me is probably about 95. But I swear to god if I could chip and putt I’d be on the goddamn Tour. Now I’m not asking to turn into Tiger Woods here. All I want is to be able to hit a green when I’m within 50 yards of a hole. I mean is that too much to ask? I am the absolute king of lying 2, 30 yards away from a hole and ending up with a 7 or 8. It’s the type of thing that makes golf not fun.
10. Signature Drink
I’ve never been a huge fan of liquor. I’m strictly a beer and wine guy. But over the past few years I couldn’t help but wishing that I had a signature drink. I’m not talking about a Stoli and Razz or a Captain and Coke. I want something that nobody else orders but me. Something that people only order in the movies. I want it to taste so freaking bad that I’m the only one who can drink it.
11. Back Flip
I don’t know why, but I’ve always been mesmerized by people who can do back flips. I feel like a back flip is the ultimate show stopper. I even remember going to a baseball camp when I was 12 years old and there was this kid in camp who did back flips and he was like the most famous kid at the camp. His nickname was Flippy. I swear to God, I’m not making this up. The only problem with the back flip is that I feel like 30 years old is a tough time to be adding the back flip to my repertoire. But if I could ever learn it, I really feel like it would be my ace in the hole for tough situations. As much as people don’t want to admit it, everybody loves a good old fashioned back flip
So there you have it. The 11 things I’d like to learn how to do or accomplish before I die. Nobody is ever going to accuse El Presidente of failing to dream big.