Last Man Standing

As I speed past 30 with no working brakes or hands on the wheel, most of us, if we haven’t already, will begin falling like ducks from the sky to the double barreled shotgun that is marriage. To those of you who do, I wish you all the best. But to the few, the proud, and the not-so-brave who have cleverly avoided commitment like cracks on a sidewalk, only we are left to wear the badge of single-hood. Whether that’s good or bad, or an actual word, I have no idea, but the point is that I am here today to share with you some of the pros, some of the cons, and a few of the responsibilities that go along with holding the sacred title of Last Man Standing.

Pro #1 – You’re not married! I guess first of all I should say that I’m not in any way judging those who have willfully decided to be chained-down for the rest of their lives, I’m just not sure I could deal with having to ask permission to take part in basic, ordinary activities. For example, if I have the sudden urge to drive to Montreal for the weekend I can, or, if I happen to come across two free tickets to Vegas that leave tonight, I can be on the plane in an hour. Sure I’ll lose my job, but the fact is I can do it. Engaged/married guy has to send the obligatory “let me check...” email before coming back with the inevitable “I don’t think I can make it…” email 20 minutes later. Also, Last Man Standing never has to feel uneasy in a strip club or underground Korean massage parlor. In fact, you can not only have a good time there, but you can write about your experience for a major, bi-weekly publication on the perpetual verge of bankruptcy like The Stool. Engaged/married guy walks around in places like that he’s in art museum. He doesn’t know what he can and can’t touch, he’s looking over his shoulder all the time like Whitey Bulger; it’s pathetic. So pro #1 – you’re not married, have fun!

Con #1 – The clipped wingman. A few weeks ago I was out drinking beers with one of my engaged buddies at Ames Plow, the basement bar adjacent to Ned Devine’s, when two girls, clearly intending on going to Ned Devine’s, but due to the 6 hour wait, wound up sitting next to us at the “A.P.”. Under normal circumstances, a potential late-night encounter would have been possible, but with engaged buddy as your wingman, it’s like going fishing with one arm. Even if they bite, you can’t reel em’ in. Engaged buddy isn’t in it for the long haul anymore which means you’re on your own to fend for yourself. It’s tough. The other problem with engaged/married friends is now, for some reason, they think it’s okay to fart in public. Who made that rule? It’s like they don’t care anymore. I have 4 examples of dudes who were never particularly known to do this in their single days, but now, post-engagement, are constantly dropping ass all over town. Listen, Last Man Standing is still trying to work; you’re embarrassing him in front of the entire bar.

Pro #2 – Weddings. Weddings can be a gold mine for Last Man Standing for two simple reasons - alcohol, and, of course, Last Woman Standing. Now in real life, the Last Man/Last Woman Standing-combo usually does not mix. The expectations are too high, the tolerance for bullshit is too low, and the bitterness scale exceeds that of an ’86 Red Sox reunion. But at weddings, none of that seems to matter as sex, alcohol, and bad weed are used to counteract the negative energy. So unless you screw up royally (see Barstool archives), pro #2 is weddings.

Con #2 – Not-so Legendary Nights. Marriage isn’t for everyone, but either is being Last Man Standing. There are some candidates out there who should just settle down with the first pretty girl that comes along and call it a career. The reason being, in order to survive as Last Man Standing, you need a certain “closer-like” mentality to sustain the “Not-so Legendary Nights” you’re bound to encounter. Not every Friday evening can include hooking up with random girls in the back of the 2 Trees Inn. Sometimes you’ll wind up home alone watching trick-shot artists on ESPN2 shoot cue balls into cowboy boots and falling asleep to gangsters talking Raider football with JT the Brick. This is not good for the soul. Fortunately for me, I’m one of the lucky ones. I have TVG. So if I have nothing to do I can always fall back on my gambling habit, or, my stash o’ porn.

Pro #3 – You still have a shot with Britney. Let’s face it, if we know anything about about single, chain smoking, white trash women with a crying 2 year old in a lime-green plastic crib, we know they’re pretty much up for anything, especially drunk at 3 o’clock in the morning in Vegas. Now I know what you’re saying, “Why would I want to bang Britney? She’s completely let herself go.” May-be. But my friends, having sex with Britney Spears is like getting a base hit off Sandy Koufax. Even though he’s 85 years old, you can still tell your friends you did it.

Con #3 - Holidays. Holidays can be brutal for Last Man Standing. You’re the only guy at the dinner table without a wife or fiancée; you’re being peppered with questions like Arod after the steroid leak, and the worst part is, half the table is made up of divorced or re-married couples. Um, pass the irony please! Next Thanksgiving I’m reading a statement before dinner and directing any questions to my lawyer, thank you.

Last Man Standing responsibilities: None! Just kidding, there are a few. As Last Man Standing, it’s your solemn duty to dominate your weekly poker game and/or any fantasy league you participate in. If a married dude wins your fantasy league, its time to pack your things and move to Canada. Also, as Last Man Standing you need provide entertaining stories of the outside world to your sheltered, married friends. Remember, they’re living vicariously through you, so even if you don’t have anything good, make something up. Damn it, they’ll take it! Finally, you should also be the one responsible for getting “the fight”, whatever that fight happens to be.

Again, being Last Man Standing can be difficult, but also rewarding. I’m not recommending it by any means, but nor am I discouraging it. Actually, I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. So to all you out there - stay strong, be cool, drink Coke, and when in doubt, get your ass to Montreal.

And married dudes, cut it out with the farts...