Ken & Ariel: Your Past, and What Girls Want to Know About It
Dear Ken and Ariel: I've been dating this guy for three months, and I recently discovered a whole stash of photos of ex-girlfriends in his closet. Like, hundreds. Nothing dirty, but I was amazed he'd have that many and that he'd hold on to them. Should I ask him to get rid of them? I hate to have constant reminders of what I'm competing against. Thanks in advance.
Ariel Says: Ah, the proverbial skeletons in the closet. Be grateful it wasn't a neatly-arranged stack of "International Male" magazines or a recently dry-cleaned Catwoman costume. But I'm not sure if 3 months gives you license or permission to start a bonfire fueled with photos of exes and Cuervo Gold. First of all, they're in the closet, not placed in frames around the apartment or propped up in some sort of weird shrine with dead flowers and half-melted candles. Secondly, perhaps he likes photography? You may want to offer to be his muse, a nice replacement for the current portfolio. At any rate, as much as it would be fun to obsess and fixate on these former flames (and draw mustaches and devil horns with a Sharpie), the past is his past and there's no need to make it part of your present.
Ken Says: I'll second what Ariel says. But a greater question is, after just three months, what are you doing tearing through the guy's closet? What comes after five months? Stealing samples of his blood? Running DNA tests on his hair strands? Secretly implanting a micro GPS in his johnson when he's asleep? Okay, so that last one only happens in Mexico, but still. You've got to lighten up a bit. Sometimes I'll date someone for three months and not even know what her middle name is, let alone start scouring her background files like some sorta CIA wannabe. Take my advice and just chill the fuck out and let things unfold at their own pace before you start asking him to torch his photo collection. Hanging on to photos of past girlfriends is perfectly normal behavoir; it's when you find the actual girlfriends themselves encased in glass cages like that guy in The Cell that you have to start worrying that your boy friend is batshit. Also, make sure any photos he holds onto are at least of relatively hot girls; any guy who keeps photographic evidence of his slumming adventures needs to be watched.
Ken and Ariel dole out more fake advice at www.kenandariel.com .