Ken & Ariel

Here’s an age-old question: When a guy asks a woman out, who’s expected to pay?

Ariel Says: Hmm...I detect an ever-so-slight scent of au de resentment, wafting gently between the lines? As in, “Are you kidding me, fucker? You asked ME out, you pony up the cash IMMEDIATELY when the check comes, you don't sit there fiddling with your queer Save Darfur rubber bracelet and looking at me expectantly!” So, generally, I'd say the rule of thumb is, whoever suggests the date coughs up the dough. That means if you invite him to "The Ice Capades Presents: Moby Dick", you pay. Now, if/when he does ask you out, it would be nice to at least attempt the gesture of reaching for your purse with a "can I contribute?" in dulcet tones. Paying the tip is also very charming. He'll probably dismiss you will a gallant wave of his hand as he proudly rips open his Velcro SpongeBob wallet. If he doesn't, take heed, my friend.

Ken Says:I’ll put this as simply as I possibly can: If you’re a guy and you’re holding out any hope that the female who you’ve asked out for the evening will place her hand anywhere even remotely close to your schlong, you’re paying. What kind of a guy asks a girl to pony up for dinner then complains that she won’t sit on his face? Assholes, that’s who. And some European students.

Ken/Ariel: My girlfriend has a great ass, but she's always wearing "mom jeans" and pants that are shapeless and baggy. I tell her she should show it off more but she says she really just prefers to dress comfortably. I've offered to buy her some tight, sexy jeans or skirts but she's not interested. Any ideas on how to get her to show it off a bit more?

Ariel Says:Excuse me, but exactly where do you live? 1987? That is indeed a dire situation. But, considering that you're a young hetero male, your version of sexy clothing may get her arrested. I would suggest you recruit her friends, preferably the ones who have a grasp of this current millennium, and explain your crisis of fashion. Coming from you, it may seem on the same level as, "hey, can you and your sister play doctor and nurse while I watch?" But coming from friends, they are more likely to be trusted (and probably have a tad more fashion sense than you, no offense) and could get those Mom jeans off of her faster than you can say, "MILF." If all else fails, call those dudes from "What Not To Wear" and get her on a reality show. Hell, might as well make some money while you're at it.

Ken Says: Let me get this straight. You know she’s got a great ass, but you’re pissed because she’s not letting ordinary twerps like me know she’s got a great ass. That’s kind of a pink-shirt-wearin’, collar-up, think-I’ll-put-a-spoiler-on-my-Ford-Focus guy thing to do, if you ask me. Listen, I see enough supreme tail throughout the course of a day that I know I’ll never get a chance to tap; why the hell do I need your girlfriend to add to my misery?

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