Ken & Ariel

 Dear Ken & Ariel: I'm 23, and dating a guy who's older. Actually, double my age. We've been together for a couple months and he's the best thing that's happened to me since I moved to Boston. But it's at the stage where I want to introduce him to my friends and family. Should I anticipate a freak-out from them, and have you got any ideas as to how I should deal with it? Thanks.

Ariel Says: Huh. My “Welcome to Boston” basket had a parking ticket and a “Yankees Suck” T-shirt; sounds like you got a much better deal. Well, congratulations on your wiser, smarter, more mature, and experienced hottie. The fact that you are as into him as he is, I’m so sure, over the moon for you, is quite special. Right now the age difference doesn’t really stick out as, say, the 65 year old and his 18 year old Thai mail order bride I saw out at a bar the other night. So I don’t think you’ll quite garner the same loud gasp and snicker that they got (from me.) Just introduce him to your friends and family with a big ol’ smile; you don’t need to give them any cliff notes of your romantic life, because you are an adult, you make your own decisions, and guess what? It’s no one else’s business. If you do get any grief, tell them exactly what you told us: you are happier than a pig in shit (obviously I’m paraphrasing) and that he’s the best thing since Big Papi. Your continued happiness and contentment will silence any of the nosy nellies who have clearly never heard of Demi and Ashton.

Ken Says: See, when you’re a guy dating an older woman, you’re instantly the Prince of the City, getting winks and thumbs-up and knowing glances from your peers. At least so long as you’re under 20. After that, anyone even a couple months older than you is grandma material, unless she’s rich, Demi Moore, or heiress to the Anheuser-Busch fortunes. So I can pretty much predict the responses you’ll get: Your female pals will be so happy that you’re happy. Your male friends will wonder how some 46-year-old dude scored your ass. And his buddies will instantly start begging him for a closet show or at least a couple digital shots of your rack. Hey, that’s just how we are.

Ken and Ariel: As simply as I can put this, my girlfriend uses her teeth a little too much when she's "down there.” She really seems into it, but any way I can tell her to lighten up a bit?

Ariel Says: “Less wood-chucking, more sucking.” Too blatant? How about, “You are so fucking amazing. My toes are cramped for weeks and I’ve experienced nirvana about 100 times since we met. However, I did notice some teeth marks on my Johnson the other morning and would like to protect him for further use--like when I pile-drive him into your sweet ass. So would you mind taking it a little easy?”

Ken Says: Dude, any hummer during which you’re fearing for the very existence of your johnson is no hummer at all. Here’s one of the rare occasions when I’m all for honesty; just tell her, “Please, in the name of all that is holy, stop treating my junk like some goddam chew toy.” If that doesn’t work, you could move on to something like a blood-curdling scream whenever she blows you. But heed this warning: He who critiques a woman’s blowjob technique risks total shut-off. So tread lightly, my friend. Tread lightly.

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