Ken & Ariel

Dear Ken & Ariel: When the hell did anus-lingus get so popular? The last three guys I dated all needed to put their tongues up my ass. Honestly, it does nothing for me and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to have a guy's nose that close to my brown eye. Is this a passing fad? And why would someone want to do this? Are these guys disturbed? Many thanks!

Ariel Says: I'd like to know one thing - how exactly did these three fellows broach the topic with you? An e-mail full of asteriks? A special delivery of chocolate-covered starfish? Well, suffice it to say, it obviously worked, and to paraphrase Turtle, you must have the cleanest ass in, uh, fill-in-the-name-of-your-city-here. But alas, you are uncomfortable. So what to do? Well, you can take the porn star route and bleach the lil' puckerpus. Voila--brown eye, begone. But I must ask, my dear, in my most motherly voice possible, if everyone wanted to jump off a bridge, would you do the same? Why are you following the crowd? Next time, instead of giving that big sigh as you spread your cheeks, why not try a "Thanks but no thanks, this does nothing for me. Now do you mind turning around while I tighten the harness of this strap-on?"

Ken Says: Gotta be honest. I’m all about giving chicks rim jobs. And here’s the thing: I’m not disturbed, not tormented by the memory of seeing my Uncle Billy pantsless at Christmas dinner, not responding to some deep-rooted Freudian thing. I just totally dig chicks’ asses. So much so that, yeah, I like sticking my tongue up them whenever the opportunity presents itself. Some girls are into it, others say it does nothing but for them. But, hey, enough girls have told me my fucking does absolutely nothing for them, either, so I take advantage whenever I can. All I can tell you is this: if you don’t like it, don’t do it. But if you ever find yourself in dire need of a rim job, hit me up at kenandariel@comcast.net.

Dear K&A: I guess this question is mainly for Ken, but Ariel may have some thoughts, too. Why is it that guys just can't stop checking women out? I've been dating the same guy for eight years and his head swivels like it's on a pivot whenever a girl in tight pants walks by. Is it possible for guys to keep focus on just one woman, especially when she's right in front of him?

Ariel Says: Sweetie, it may be indeed like asking the sun not to shine, or expecting Paris Hilton to know her multiplication tables. It's simply against their biological imperative (i.e.,to inseminate the entire female population, preferably before dinner). I'd like to add my personal theory, which is the closer they are on the evolutionary scale to the Missing Link, the more pronounced and audible is their desire to "spread the seed". Walk by any construction site and you'll see what I mean. Meanwhile, our biological imperative is to find a suitable mate to create a healthy, genetically-blessed offspring; which, judging by the latest internet dating offerings, is now slightly more possible than opening a Kwik-e-Mart on Pluto.  Anyway, you may want to give the poor dude a break, as he has been faithfully going against his imperative for a good 8 years. You can also go against your own imperative by checking out as many mates as possible. It's quite fun and certainly lessens the sting of your honey's straying eyes when yours have been locked on Jeffe the cabana boy for the past five hours.

Ken Says: You know, I had worked up a fairly profound response on the delicacy of relationships between men and women and the need for both parties to be conscious of the insecurities that their mates can harbor. But then some hot chick walked by in incredibly tight jeans and I totally forgot whatever the fuck I was gonna say.

Got questions? Need fake advice? Hit kenandariel@barstool.com   or visit www.kenandariel.com.