Ken & Ariel

Dear K&A: How can I help my boyfriend more amorous? Not just sex (although that would be great), just a wee bit more romance would suffice. I have engaged in aggressive sexual behavior such as rubbing my breasts in his face and giving vigorous blow jobs; no arguments but no reciprocation. I am at a loss! I ask him to spoon me when we crawl into bed, freshly showered and shaved, and he sighs like I just asked him to run get watermelon from the store. What is up with this man? Do you have any advice or insight?

Ken Says: Er, not to sound like a total douche, but as a guy, I can say that so long as your doling out the blow jobs and that tits-across-the-face maneuver (which sound pretty freakin’ persuasive to me), you’re not really giving this guy a lot of incentive to start reciprocating. However, if you were to , I don’t know, stop blowing him, well then you may find that he’s suddenly extremely fucking interested in taking care of you as well. If not, then, I hate to say it, but he’s probably just your typical guy, lying next to you while his mind is wrapped around some chick he dated in the seventh grade or that waitress from Caesar’s Palace.

Ariel Says:My response shall be brief: let your fingers be your date, and masturbate. You need to stop looking at your ding-dong door-stop of a boyfriend for gratification and rediscover “The Joy of Sex” -- for one. Surprised? Well, let’s switch sides. If you were a guy who wasn’t getting his sexual needs met, chances are he’d sure as hell be jacking off to make up for lost pussy. Or, he’d be out looking elsewhere, at the very least a gentleman’s club. So that’s another thing--why not grab the girlfriends and hit the Man-tastic strip shows for some innocent fun? See, I’m not saying cheat on him, but there’s no reason why you can’t feel sexy, be turned on and get that amazing blast of serotonin while he sulks about getting watermelon or whatever. It sounds like you’ve done everything possible to let this guy know how you feel, short of becoming his blow-up doll that he shoves under the bed. And honey, I aint a mind reader, so I really can’t give you much insight except that he’s getting SPOILED. Now it’s your time to get yours, girl. Get back that self-confidence and get back on your game, regardless of his attention or inattention. You may find that he’ll start seeing you in a different light – and that you may start seeing him differently, too.

Dear Ken and Ariel: My guy and I are approaching our two-year anniversary. Very much in love and all of that, plus marriage on the horizon. I know he finds me unbelievably sexy but I'd love to up that a notch, to mind-blowing levels. What do guys find sexy? What should I do? Pierce a nipple? Tattoo his name on my thigh? I just want something that only he knows about, that will make his "special friend" stand at attention whenever he thinks about it.

Ariel Says:I really don’t see the need to involve needles, ink, or other forms of scarification to up the sexual ante. I have two suggestions: The first is, create a fantasy. I’m not talking the silly French maid costume you ordered online for that Halloween party. I’m talking script, props, location, you name it. You have him meet you at that hotel on the Waterfront, in the lobby wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and a smile. Or Ken’s favorite, the lactating pharmacologist in town for a convention. But I digress. Just come up with a very detailed idea of a fun fantasy that he would freakin’ love (could be as simple as doing it on the 50-yard line of his high school football field) and you’ll be the shit for years. The other idea is something I posted about recently on our blog – doing the classic Playboy spread. Again, this takes time and preparation, with a professional photographer you trust (not a camera phone, for Christ’s sake!) and a beautiful, intimate setting. The nice thing about this one is that you can also show the grandkids someday how grandma used to be a total super-hottie, before she wore support hose and Depends.

Ken Says:What do guys find sexy? I’ll keep this as simple as possible: If a woman gives me a little deep throat action while I’m watching the Sox kick the Yankees’ ass on my widescreen TV with a beer in my left hand and a D’Angelos one pound steak and cheese in my right, then I’m pretty much hers until the fucking world explodes or gets eaten by Galactus. End of story.

For more fake advice and shit, visit www.kenandariel.com.