Ken & Ariel:

Ken and Ariel: I like your column, and I have a question: I've been dating this girl for about 6 months, and when she took me home to meet her mother, I was instantly smitten. She's 53 and incredibly hot. Also, she's been giving me these flirtatious signs, and now I've got this incredible urge to bang her. Am I sick, or should I pursue this?

Ken Says: Dude, take it from me. Beware the elder pussy. Not that there aren’t a lot of scintillating older women in this world. God knows that nothing conjures more evil thoughts in my loins than the sight of a forty-something mom with a tramp stamp on her lower back, trying to snake her ass into the same skinny jeans as her teenage daughter. But it’s typically better in theory than practice, no matter how much of smokeshow she may be. For one thing, you’re gonna risk losing your young and undeniably tight-assed girlfriend for a woman whose ass – no matter how nice it may look in jeans – has got 53 years of mileage on it. Second, you run the risk of having two women want to slice your balls off with a cleaver. And lastly – and this is most important – think of your girl’s dad. Bad enough he’s already pissed that you’re trying to make time with his little girl. If he finds out you’re after his wife as well, you may find yourself at the bottom of the Charles River. And not in a good way. Roll with the young, my friend.

Ariel Says: Ken? Ken, is that you?!? OK, "not Ken", what do you think I'm going to tell you? I'm going to tell you that Mrs. Robinson is so last century, the "Rumor Has It" movie tanked, and MLFS are for teenage boys. In my humble opinion, this is about your fear of commitment. You've only been dating six months, and she's already taking you home to meet the parents, which is the next logical step towards eventual monogamy (and she's not that young if her mom is 53, so you think her clock may be TICK! TOCK!-ing) so you're freaking out. You wouldn't be having these thoughts if you came across mom in her Saturday morning mall walkers group, would you? It's the forbidden fruit, the ultimate taboo that would conveniently get you kicked out of domestic bliss and the youth soccer coaching gig they're lining up for you right quick. So suck it up, shake it off and deal with the real issue at hand -- whether or not this girl is really the one for you.

Dear K&A: I refuse to "swallow," no matter how much a guy begs me to. Why does this upset guys so much? As I see it, what does it matter so long as he, er, "gets finished"?

Ariel Says: Well, that depends. Do you make a face like you've just eaten a dog’s balls

garnished with tsetse flies? Because that can be kind of a downer, and hard not to take personally. There are a few ways you can be discreet in your disposal of the love spunk. The Minneapolis Madam (what, you haven't heard of her?) suggests keeping a towel close by, then when his eyes are suitably rolled to the back of the head with ecastatic abandon, a quick spit and swipe is all it takes.  Or a glass of water from which you pretend to drink, but in which you instead perform reverse suction, then say you're going to get a refill and dispose of it promptly. But let's instead focus on the fact that you don't have to swallow or do anything you don't want to, and too bad if they have a problem with that. I would probably be walking with a severe limp and a rare strain of ecoli if I agreed to all the cockamamie ideas my previous paramours came up with. If your guy keeps whining, tell him very sweetly that he has a choice: a blow job with no swallowing, or no blow job at all. Gee, I wonder what he'll choose?

Ken Says: The allure of having a chick “swallow” can be almost certainly traced back to porno flicks. As a young, impressionable guy, you see the likes of Nina Hartley and Jenna Jameson doing it all the time, so, goddam it, you figure, I need a little of that action, too! But, honestly, I put in so many hours just trying to get some chick interested in, to put it technically, the extraction of my spunk, I can’t conjure enough energy to concern myself with the disposal of it. Whether she wants to swallow it, spit it out, rinse it down the sink with a cup of Listerine or store it in a vat for some twisted science experiment is up to her. All I ask is that she figure something out before moving in to kiss me.

For more bad advice, visit www.kenandariel.com, or e-mail kenandariel@barstoolsports.com.