Ken & Ariel:

Dear Ken & Ariel: So I'm recently divorced. I was married for only 17 months but we were together much longer. I'm 31 years old and find myself in the unfamiliar territory of the dating world. It’s been almost 1/2 a decade since I've been on a date and I was just wondering what's changed and what can I expect? Where do I start? Any help would be welcomed.

Ken Says: Actually, dude, I have a question for you: Have you recently been on a safari to Africa? I ask this because if you were, you need to get yourself to a doctor, first thing. Because you were probably bitten by a mosquito carrying malaria, as you’re definitely showing the symptoms, the most prominent of which are unclear thinking and irrational behavior. Dude, you just got out of a relationship that lasted, according to your letter, at least five years and ended in divorce. The last thing you need to be doing is sizing up potential replacements. My suggestion: lock yourself in a Chinatown hotel room with three hookers and six bottles of whiskey. Or try to pick up some chick in the lodge at Killington and ask if she’ll blow you on the chairlift. Or hop a quick flight to Vegas with two thousand dollars and no luggage whatsoever. In other words, the best way to clear your mind after the dissolution of a long-term relationship is to get out there and experience the shit you weren’t able to do for the past five years. Once you wake up on the Mexican border with no pants, a tattoo you don’t remember and a sizable hickey across your abdomen, I’d say you’re ready to start dating again.

Ariel Says:Honey, as much as you may feel out of touch, not much has changed. The sluts are still slutty (huzzah!), the gold diggers are still shoppin’ (booo), and the ones saving themselves already got married at 19 (and are probably at your lawyer’s right now filing annulment paperwork.) Only thing that’s different is that now you can select your next hottie boombalattie from the privacy of your own home. No silly, put down the Yellow Pages, I wasn’t talking about an escort service! I meant the bevy of online dating sites with the really stupid commercials. Since you’ve been in a cave for the past decade, here’s a quick reference guide: For your “I’ve never been one of those people who goes out and hooks up with random people…[but] I’d like to be for a little while” (you sly dog, you), check out Lavalife.com. If you want old farts, go to E-harmony.com. If you want the Southeast Expressway of dating, try Match.com. Jdate=no shiksas. Craigslist is generally good for glory holes, anger fucks, obscene phone callers and some great second-hand couches. Nerve.com happily caters to your inner freak. And, the Onion personals are for girls (and guys) who secretly want to boff Jon Stewart. So, instead of letting your fingers do the walking, let your browser do the stalking and get that cute butt OUT THERE!

Ken and Ariel:  This guy I messed around with told me I give "killer head". What is really meant by that? And how many different types of head are there anyway, cuz I hear there's good head, great head, "Oh my God" head, etc etc.

Ariel Says:  “Killer head” means: “more, please.” As in, you are the BJ queen, you are the finest pair of luscious lips since Angelina to grace his lowly member, you are God’s gift to fellatio. In other words, he’ll say anything, ANYTHING to keep you servicing the Lil’ General. Quite clever, really. Because most of us go, “yeah, damn straight! I am the most fantastic deep throat this side of Linda Lovelace! Now pass me that pipe!” You, on the other hand, eschewed the lockjaw and decided to question his overzealous praise. Anyway, I’ll let Ken expound on the virtues of magnificent blow jobs, but I think it basically boils down to this. Good head: you actually gave him a blow job. Great head: you didn’t use your teeth, and you (pretended) to swallow. “Oh my God” head: you’re a denture wearer with more suction than a Dirt Devil.

Ken Says: A friend of mine used to claim that there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob. I beg to differ. Contrary to popular opinion, there is such thing as the male version of “the tap,” in which we kinda gently tap our female cohort on the head and ask her to come back up for air because whatever she’s doing down there is rapidly taking on the appearance of an amateur open mike night. As I see it, a girl’s gotta have the skills, certainly -- I don’t want to be the one walking some thirty year old liberal arts major through her first knobjob. But if a girl’s into it, as in seems very, very eager to yummy down on what I’m offering and makes like she won’t stop until I’ve got bedsheets sucked up my ass, then chances are I’m gonna walk away from it feeling as if I’ve just experienced killer head. But let’s be honest, the best way for me to answer this question is to experience your capabilities first hand and then offer my professional dissertation as to which camp you fall into. I’ll meet you after work at the Rattlesnake.

Send your questions to kenandariel@barstoolsports.com. More bad advice can be found at www.kenandariel.com.