Ken & Ariel

 Dear K&A: A couple weekends ago, me and a bunch of my coworkers went out after work and got drunk. And I ended up going home with and sleeping with a girl from the office. She was definitely not one of my prouder conquests, but we were both drunk and had a good time. Since then, she's been e-mailing me regularly looking for a repeat performance. The other day, she got transferred to my department, literally sitting two cubes down from me. Am I screwed?

Ken Says:Dude. There’s a reason your grandfather told you to never fish off the company pier. The old man knew his shit. The risk is far too enormous to even contemplate. First, there’s the potential for reputation obliteration. Gossip travels fast through corporate rest rooms and cubicles, my friend. Do you really want your boss to know your innermost sexual quirks – be it giving overweight girls a brummmski or dressing your cock up in a tiny pilgrim hat and suit? And do you really want those hotties in accounting hearing about your struggles with whiskey dick? Or worse – especially since you note the chick wasn’t one of your “prouder conquests” – do you want them thinking you’re a bottom feeder? Second, there’s always the chance that – as you’ve discovered – you’ll end up working in the same department or as an underling to said chick. Put simply, it’s never a good idea, and if I were you, I’d just start floating the old resume. Although I should note that every rule has its exceptions, and in the case of screwing around with an office mate, the exception is interns. They’re usually young, female, incredibly hot, good for about six appletinis during post-work drinking sessions, and eager to make an impression on anyone who might be able to catapult their position in the company. The bonus here is that interns typically have little or no pull, and they’re usually gone once September hits. Just watch out for the old “piss in the coffee” routine; once you’ve banged and scorned an intern, you probably have to start pouring your own.

Ariel Says: Screwed? Uh, yeah. You dipped your pen in the company ink, thou shattest where

thou ate, and now the classic "a case of the Mondays" takes on a whole new meaning as you pass her eager, expectant gaze on the way to your cube. Before she starts sending you poetic erotica  involving you, her, and the copier toner cartridge on company email, I would nip it right quick by  keeping interactions to a minimum. Be friendly, be polite, and be a very, very busy professional who just doesn't have time for chit-chat. Or anything else for that matter. What happened between you and her was after hours, not on the company dime, so keep that discussion outside the office as well. She's a woman, she has amazing instincts (yes, we all do) so I believe she'll get the hint. Yeah, it's gonna be awkward. And yeah, you're going to feel like an asshole. But chances are, with the happy hours y'all been keepin', someone else may be replacing you in the not-too-distant  future, and soon he'll be writing us as well. P.S. - I assumed you didn't want a repeat performance by the tone of your letter. But if you do, then just do the exact opposite of everything I said. 'K?

Dear People: Why does every guy have a "catch"? After almost giving up on meeting a normal dude in Boston, I finally scored a decent guy who is gainfully employed [not an "artist" or "musician" or "in between jobs" or "a wanna be pro skateboarder"], owns a suit, opens doors for me and bought me roses on the first date! Two months in, though, and we're messing around when he tells me he wants to put his tongue up my ass. In fact, it turns out the only thing that gets him really hot is putting his tongue up my ass. A lot. I am NOT INTO THAT AT ALL and honestly don't need a guy's nose up my butt, thank you very much. Any way to wean him off it and not lose him?

Ariel Says: I love the fact that your "decent, normal" dude is an ass-licker. Sure, the artist or musician will start storing shit in your apartment and never buy you a meal or coffee, but at least those narcissistic fuckers are far too busy licking their own asses to bother with yours. Anyway. By the sound of it, you've attempted and failed to enjoy the sheer wonderment of a personal bidet. That's totally OK. But chances are you may not "wean him off of it." That sounds suspiciously mothering, as if you have a child who constantly plays with himself in public and you keep smacking his hand and saying "No!" A phrase comes to mind: "Don't deprive, replace." Take more risks with your sex life and start experimenting -- flavored lotions, whipped cream, toys, fantasy, starting your very own adult film company. Hey, whatever works for you. He might find another alternative that, while not as mind-blowing as that taste of heaven between your sweet cheeks, may still be something you both can enjoy.

Ken Says: Can you wean him off it? The answer, in a nutshell, is no. You see, contrary to popular belief, guys can change. Unfortunately, most of this change is fueled by the desire for sex. For example, if we have an aversion to Thai food, but meet an incredibly hot chick who has the stuff six times a week, we can learn to tolerate it. Likewise, if we’re trying to hook up with a girl who has money and upper-crusty parents to impress, we can ditch our Red Sox caps and do some of those “special” things, like shave, floss or put on underwear. On the other hand, if a guy’s into sticking his tongue up your ass, or dressing up as Darth Vader before mounting you, or playing “Kung Fu Fighting” in the background while you’re screwing, or anything else for that matter, it’s pretty much not going to change. We’ll take a bath, shave the goatee, or miss kickoff because you want to take your parents to Sunday brunch, but the one area where we can’t pull a 180 is sex. If we like it, we like it, and if you don’t wanna do it, then it’s back to the Cask n’ Flagon for us so we can find a girl who will. Sorry if I sound so nasty or to-the-point. That fucking Colts win just sapped away all my good vibes.

Got a question? E-mail us at kenandariel@barstoolsports.com. Or visit kenandariel.com for further perversion.