Ken & Ariel

Editors Note: I’d like to personally welcome Ken & Ariel to the Barstool Family.  The Stool is always looking for good writers and these two fit the bill.   So if you have any sex questions be sure to drop them a line.   As a side note, they totally had me sold after the first question about how a pierced tongue intensifies a blowjob.

Greetings. We are Ken and Ariel, and we provide advice. Relationship advice. For you. Yes, we're talking to you. You, who have for too long stood patiently in the shadows while your friends and neighbors "get some" like you can only dream of. We are maddeningly obsessed with you and helping you. And with drinking. We like that especially.

So, now, the point of this. Our column has been designed to serve as an easy, convenient conduit for you, the "user," to interact with us, the "experts," so that you might become "the playa," whose sexual prowess is widely noted and who knows a guy in Vegas that can hook you up like this </snapping finger sound>. So listen. Closely.

And with that… on to your questions.

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DEAR KEN & ARIEL: This girl who lives down the hall from me got her tongue pierced, which she says improves her ability to orally please a man. Now, call me naive, but how exactly does the presence of a small steel barbell intensify a blowjob? This is driving me crazy, and I'm afraid to ask her, or she'll think I'm interested in her (which I guess I am, but that's besides the point). Thoughts?

KEN SAYS:Thinking back on the blowjobs I've received over the course of my lame-ass existence, I can't think of a single one which led me to comment, "This is great, sweetie, but if you had a chunk of metal in your mouth, man, that'd be something else!"

That said, how can any red-blooded guy NOT dig a chick who so blatantly taps at our Achilles tendon: the dream of the perfect smoothie. It's a safe bet that most girls who opt for the barbell know full well the myth that accompanies it, and the fact that they embrace the mantle of oral experimentalists is just further proof that Earth is the single coolest planet to be living on.

In the end, it doesn't really matter if the presence of a tiny piece of metal really does enhance one's fellatio skills; the fact that an entire generation of women is marching to the local piercing shop just to send out the "I give killer head" vibe is a good thing.

So, to step back and look at the facts: We've got a girl who you're clearly intrigued by, telling you just how her new apparatus has bolstered her abilities to orally please a man. Dude, we have a winner. And it's you.

ARIEL SAYS:I may be a dumb-ass, but I suspect that this query has more to do with the girl down the hall than the actual piercing. If she was 400 pounds, into scarification, AND had her tongue pierced I doubt you'd be so curious. 

Still, as a bit of research, I asked a young lass who did indeed have her tongue pierced, and she explained that she wasn't precisely sure of its effects, but she did take note of how the happy recipients of her handiwork got nosebleeds. That may or may not be a good thing.

I have also interrogated a couple boys who had been on the receiving end of the metallic slide, all of whom reported that they didn't get nosebleeds, but did achieve a superficial sense of nirvana. It was not earth-shattering, just different. Kind of like snarfing Rocky Road instead of Rainforest Crunch. Their take: Piercings aside, it's the girl's technique that counts. And it seems to me she's asking you to take the piercing challenge. So why not go be a guinea pig? Just bring lots of Kleenex and a clean T-shirt. And flowers would be nice, too.

DEAR KEN & ARIEL: I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me. We've been dating for a couple of months, and the sex was great, but then it came to a screeching halt for about three weeks. She had excuses: stress, sour stomach, etc. She tells me that she's tired of hearing about it and when we do have sex, she turns her head when I try to kiss her. The last couple weekends there were stretches of eight to ten hours when I didn't hear from her and her cell phone was shut off. On top of that, she has two male friends in her life who buy her things, loan her a vehicle when hers is broken down, give her gifts, flowers and stuff like that. What do you think?

KEN SAYS:You “think” she may be cheating on you? Dude, that's like Jackie Kennedy turning to the driver of JFK's motorcade car and saying, "I think something might be wrong with the President." Or looking at Shaquille O'Neal and surmising that, yeah, this guy could probably handle the large fries.

But I digress. Let me use an example from my own sordid past to illustrate.

Because, like most strapping young men, I think about sex pretty much every waking moment of the day, I sometimes find myself projecting my obsessions on to the women I date. Whenever they're out of my sight, I assume that they're in some other dude's apartment, modeling their fishnets, pouting suggestively as they loosen a few blouse buttons, and explaining how much better life has been since they switched to crotchless undergarments. Likewise, whenever they'd give me a "not in the mood" story, my mind would start buzzing with outlandish scenarios involving Johnny Depp, a football team, twenty gallons of tequila and a fully-loaded caulking gun.

Yet, as real as these things seemed to me [particularly the whole caulking gun thing], they were, quite simply, figments of my own ribald imagination. I never once thought to ask these women what was really bringing them down, be it my attitude, my taste in clothing, or just an overwhelming desire to be fucking someone who wasn't me.

That said, don't let the ladies fool ya; they love screwing as much as we do. Possibly more, as they're equipped to go for hours whereas guys are... well, orgasms are like turkey on Thanksgiving. They release that chemical that pats us on the back and says, "Good one, Tiger. Now, let's have a nap!" If she's not fucking you, there's a good chance it's because she's getting her skirts martinized somewhere else. Just pray god it's not someone named "Doug." Nobody wants to lose a girl to a guy named Doug. Jesus.

As a paranoid fellow by trade, I think you have ample reason to be concerned. A real red flag is the "turning her head when you try to kiss her" thing, a move that traditionally stands as shorthand for a knee to the balls. But before you start paying guys named Clive and Rocco to trail your girl around town, ask her straight up what the deal is. You may not like what she has to say, but it will spare you the dehumanizing, pluck-each-hair-out-of-your-nutsack torment that traditionally accompanies suspicion. 

ARIEL SAYS: I ain't no fortune teller and I ain't no mind reader (although I do have the uncanny ability of detecting free samples at the supermarket within 6 seconds) but somethin' fishy is goin' on. I presume you're both young, horny, consenting adults with no history of sexual dysfunction. That means you should be bonking like rabbits, five times a day, for the first three months. Then, after the "honeymoon period" is over, you're still attracted to each other but would rather watch reruns of JAG than screw, at least on week nights. You've only been dating "a couple of months," so the energizer bunny thing should still be going strong. Now I'm not saying you need to freak out on her, but y'all need to sit down and find out what the hell is going on. 

Be gentle, be sensitive, ask her what's on her mind and tell her you just want to make her happy, in EVERY way. Explain in a soothing voice how orgasms can actually stimulate the release of serotonin, a friggin' awesome chemical that can help reduce stress. Turn on Al Green. Turn off Grand Theft Auto. If that fails, she won't tell you what's going on, she keeps turning off her cell phone, then it's time to do your own disappearing act. 

One more thing: do YOU buy her stuff, loan her your car, give her gifts and daisies? If not, that may be why she's keeping mixed company.

Need advice? Got a question or concern? Worried that no one's going to understand your fetish for dressing up as Grover Cleveland? We can help you. E-mail us at kenandariel@barstool.com. And visit www.kenandariel.com for more magic.