Interview With a Jackoff

Barstool Sports: First of all welcome, and thanks for taking the time to sit down and talk to us.

Anonymous Jackoff: My pleasure.  Thanks for having me.

BSS: Why don’t you start by giving our readers a little background?

Jackoff: Well let’s see... You and I met at a comedy show last week.  It was a fund raiser.  Everyone in the hall paid good money for a good cause and wanted to hear the comics.  But no one sitting near my table could hear a thing.

BSS: Why is that?

JO : Because we were talking at the top of our lungs the whole time.  You see, I’m a Jackoff; you know that.  But so is everyone else I was with.  My wife is a Jackoff.  And my sister and her husband.  Our friends and their wives were sitting with us and they’re all Jackoffs.  So we just jabbered on really loud like we were the only ones in the place.  Or like we learned how to whisper in a sawmill.  Because when you’re a Jackoff, well that’s just what you do.

BSS : What did you think when the people next to you actually physically pulled their table away?  Did that bother you at all?

JO: No.  I didn’t notice.  See, me and all my Jackoff family and friends are hilarious.  And we were having too much fun talking about how drunk my sister was and my Jackoff buddy’s wife was bitching about how many people were coming over for Easter.  So we didn’t see anything going on around us.

BSS : Was that the first time you almost ruined a comedy show?

JO: Hell no.  I’ve done it before.  But usually I just yell a bunch of shit out at the comics.  You know, try to guess the punchline and yell it out before they say it.  That way I make the show better for everyone else.  Plus it reminds the people around me how goddamned funny I am.  I’ve been to shows before where I heckled the comics, which was great because it showed that just because they’re on stage and I’m not doesn’t mean I’m not funnier than them.   Because like I said, I’m really hilarious.  You know how you can tell I’m funny?  Because when I say something funny, I laugh my balls off.  Really loud.  Like this “Bwahahaha!” just so everyone gets the message.

BSS: When you’re not wrecking comedy shows, what does a Jackoff like you do for fun?

JO: Movies.  I like to go to the movies.  And what I like to do is repeat stuff out loud so everyone else can enjoy the movie too.  Take comedies.  Like say Will Ferrell movies.  They’re funny right?  But what I do, is I say whatever Will Ferrell did right after he says it, so it has like twice the effect.  Say you’re watching “Ron Burgundy” and Ferrell says “You’re a smelly pirate hooker” I’ll laugh really loud and say “Ha! ‘smelly pirate hooker!’  Did you hear that?  He said ‘You’re a smelly pirate hooker’!”  That was everyone hears it twice and it enhances their fun.  But I don’t just do it for comedies.  Like I go to action movies and I’ll describe what just happened like I’ll say “Whoa!  Did you see that?  Bruce Willis was like ‘Aaah!’ and the helicopter went like kabooom!” so no one misses anything.

BSS: Say, weren’t you sitting behind a friend of mine during “Passion of the Christ”?

JO: Yeah, that was me.  It was during the crucifixion scene.  My phone rang and I answered it.  Then we talked for about five minutes about how I wasn’t doing anything and neither was he.

BSS: What else do you like?

JO: Music.  I like going to concerts.  I’m the guy who makes them more fun for everyone else.  Like remember when you saw Springsteen at Madison Square Garden?  Me and my Jackoff buddies were screaming all the songs in each other’s faces.  Remember how we got pissed at you and your friend and his wife because you were hanging out listening to the band instead of jumping around high fiving like us?  I was like “What’s the matter with you guys?!  It’s the Boss, man!  Why aren’t you into it?!!!”  Remember?  That was awesome. Also I like to shout crap out during the ballads.  Like I think every band has one great song and I like to shout it out when it’s quiet.  Like I saw Pearl Jam at the Garden and when Vedder was doing the acoustic version of “Hide Your Love Away” I yelled “Jere-MEEE!!!” and the whole place heard me!  Which was way better than listening to the song.

BSS: Must’ve been sweet.  What are your listening habits apart from concerts?

JO: Well again, being a Jackoff, I’m all about making sure everyone else enjoys things on my terms.  That means listening to stuff I like.  So I share my music with the world.  I’ve got a sound system in my car that sets off car alarms and I crank it to 11 everywhere I go.  Friggin’ awesome.

BSS : What about sports?  Do Jackoffs go to games much?

JO : Hell, yeah!  Every sport.  Sox games.  I’m the guy who gets the wave going every game I ever go to.  I know the rest of the country stopped doing the wave around 1985, but when I go to Fenway I always make sure I get it started.  Then I can talk about it at work the next day. And “Yankees Suck!”  I’m the goddamned king of “Yankees Suck!”  But do you know who the first Jackoff ever at a sporting event was?

BSS: Tell me.

JO: The guy at Bob Cousy Night.  Cousy was all emotional, giving his goodbye the Garden crowd.  And in the middle of his speech a guy yelled “We love you Cooooz!!!” and Cooz broke down in tears.  Here was the greatest point guard in history to that time, a beloved athlete in this town, and some anonymous douchebag... make that “Jackoff” who probably couldn’t dribble a ball, stole the moment.  That guy became a legend to self-absorbed attention whores everywhere.  And ever since then, no athlete can say ten words without getting shouted down by Jackoffs trying to inject themselves into the moment.  “We love you Cooooz!” guy is like our Patron Saint.

BSS : Is it strictly a team sport thing?

JO: No.  Jackoffs love going to golf tournaments too.  We’re the guys who yell “You da man!” and “Get in the hole!”  Those are the two things we yell, because they never get old no matter how many times you hear them.

BSS: So tell our readers how to spot a true Jackoff.

JO: See, a lot people think we’re all college age kids with neck tattoos and such.  But we come in all ages, income levels, races, even genders.  I mean, those people who were trying to ruin that comedy fundraiser with me weren’t exactly gang members.  Remember when you took your kid to the Patriots-Detroit Lions game a couple of years ago, and I was the guy making a big display out of rooting for the Lions even though they were 2-9?  That was Jackoffism in it’s purest form.  But remember how everyone ignored me except that old lady threw the beer at me?  I don’t care how old she was, that was Jackoff on Jackoff crime.

BSS : I remember.  That was a special moment.  Thanks for teaching my son all the uses for the F-bomb by the way.  So what’s up for you next?

JO: Well, being a Jackoff is all about drawing attention to yourself.  It’s about satisfying your own need to be acknowledged by everyone at the expense of those who have the guts to put themselves out there before the world.  So I think I’ll go on barstoolsports.com and belittle the writers and the girls who do Local Smokeshow of the Day.