How the Patriots are Restoring America’s Greatness
God Bless the 2007 New England Patriots. Their inexorable march to perfection is not only a celebration of superior athleticism, a testament to brilliant coaching, an affirmation of hard work and dedication, and a shining example of the power of teamwork; the Patriots are doing nothing less than restoring our way of life. They are bringing the greatness back to these once proud United States of America.
For two centuries, America was all about excellence. It was a haven where great thinkers and doers could crawl up from the primordial ooze, grab hold of their manifest destiny and achieve truly great things. Let the rest of the world wallow in mediocrity, arguing over who controls the means of production or how many bushels of wheat the central planners need for this year’s Five Year Plan. America was a place where you did whatever you goddamned wanted. Where you came to pursue bold ideas. Where you stood on the shoulders of giants, then you paid the giants a percentage of your gross to stand on the shoulders of any SOB stupid enough to get in your way.
Sadly we’ve lost that. For a generation now, America has championed mediocrity. We celebrate every occasion, no matter how mundane, with awards, accolades, citations and decrees. Kids get diplomas for finishing 4th grade. Harvard hands out A’s like they’re “Missing Cat” flyers. Our life is one big Tee Ball league. Everyone gets to be Employee of the Month because it’s their turn, whether or not they’ve ever cleaned the grease trap on the Fry-o-later. Americans are 1% of the world’s population, but we consume 2/3 of the world’s supply of trophies. That’s a fact.
And more than any once great American institution, we can place the blame for all this squarely at the feet of the National Football League. It was the late commissioner Pete Rozelle who promulgated this insidious notion that the world and all who are in it would be happier if every team was 8-8. Rozelle was the architect of this Godless system of discouraging self betterment in the name of a classless society. He’s America’s Karl Marx, damn his hollow soul.
Because America was built by winners. Men who weren’t interested in keeping it close, winning nail biters, pulling it out in dramatic fashion or kissing their sisters. Our forefathers believed in ridiculous routs and running up the score. And that’s how we were brought up: to celebrate the Great Ones, keep them dear in our hearts and leave the mediocre majority to rot on the ash heap of history.
We can talk all we want about the unforgettable moments, the close calls and come-from-behind wins, but ultimately what we remember, what we love, are the old fashioned ass kickings by the great powerhouses. The kind the Patriots are bringing back. We might make movies about plucky underdogs, but here in the real world we remember the overcats. To illustrate the point, the following is a partial list of the unstoppable juggernauts and their lopsided victories, that we as Americans can’t get enough of. A list to which the Patriots will soon be added:
The Settlers vs. the Indians. Of course we’re all conditioned to feel bad about the running up the score, on this one, but like Tom Brady, the Europeans were simply using the weapons they had available. Which in their case were guns and smallpox. So naturally the White Men moved the ball and backed the Natives up to their end zone, which just happened to be the New Mexico desert. If you feel guilty about it, take comfort in the fact that as we speak, the Indians are exacting their revenge at the casino tables; the Native Americans winning the country back from the Naive Americans.
Secretariat at the Belmont. Americans love a big winner. We might remember the close races in history, but people are still talking about Secretariat like he’s still around, 20 years after Affirmed and Alydar were put in Alpo cans.
The Death Star vs. Alderaan: Another one blow knockout. Leia was upset that the place was defenseless and had no weapons, but the same thing can be said of the Buffalo Bills in Week 11.
The Iceberg vs. the Titanic. One punch and the rookie went down like Elisabeth Shue in “Leaving Las Vegas.” Like the Indians, Titanic made a comeback of sorts at the 1998 Oscars, but by that point the iceberg was retired in the tropics, thanks to global warming.
The 1985 Bears. The gold standard of all NFL teams. Not content to make the Patriots-loving world suffer through a year’s worth of “Super Bowl Shuffle,” they kept Tony Eason in one piece until Ray Berry pulled him from the game, instead of mercy killing him and ending the suffering.
The Corleones vs. the Five Families . Like a run through the March Madness brackets, the Corleones picked off the Cuenos, the Straccis, the Barzinis, and finally that pimp Tattaglia. Then all the family business was taken care of, and their ticket on the Road to the Final Four: Tahoe was punched.
Terry vs. the Survivor Castaways : This is the only non-champion on our list. But he deserves his name among these elites anyway. Terry was the retired Navy pilot who dominated “Survivor: Panama” like no other contestant in no other reality show. He won every single individual challenge until the producers, terrified of him turning their show into a pathetic joke created a challenge in which Terry, pitted against an 80lb girl and a poncey little momma’s boy, had to balance in water on the top of a styrofoam cooler. The biggest bag job since the 1972 Olympic basketball finals.
Jerry Lewis vs. Good Taste. Taste never had a chance in this battle. Even when raising millions for crippled kids, Lewis has never been able to resist the temptation to stick pencils up his nose and talk like a retarded guy. And in the early ‘70s, Lewis filmed “The Day the Clown Cried,” a movie which was never released because it was about a clown in Nazi Germany who leads children into the gas chambers. (You read that correctly.) Those who’ve seen the movie say it’s absolutely, objectively, perfectly bad. The 2007 Dolphins of the movie industry.
Wilt Chamberlain vs. Women. Wilt of course claimed to have slept with 20,000 women, an average of 1.5 per day for 35 years. You’d think a guy with that track record would be called anything but “Wilt.”
Germany vs. France. Poland withstood the Blitzkrieg for two weeks before falling. The Nazis took France between breakfast and brunch. The French waited years before exacting their revenge on the world in the form of a month-long bicycle race.
Tiger Woods at the 2000 US Open. Tiger was the only player under par and won by an unthinkable 15 strokes. To pay tribute to this angry and vengeful golf god, the other players sacrificed the hottest Swedish nanny on Earth.
“Jerry’s Kids” vs. Barstool Trivia. “Jerry’s Kids” is the name of mine and Uncle Buck’s trivia team. One week in the tournament. One blowout victory. Like the Patriots, perfection seems like it’s our Manifest Destiny. We do it for the good of the country. God bless America.