How Old is Too Old?
Part II
It was last October when the thong of a 59 year old woman “inspired me” to write an article entitled “How Old is Too Old?” where I decided it was high time for someone (me) to impose his rules on society and start setting age restrictions on certain behavior.
For example, taking a piss outside a bar – max age: 36; wearing a thong – max age: 49; going to The Harp - max age: 26. You get the idea.
Well we’ve changed the clocks and the Red Sox are in first place, and that can only mean one thing - spring is here. And with spring means rebirth, or whatever. And I felt like today, on this sunny April afternoon, would be as good a time as any to fire-up a brand new list.
Making-out in bars – maximum age: 29. If you frequent the various bars and clubs around town there’s a 90% chance you’ll see people making-out on a nightly basis. And hopefully that person is you…. if you’re under 30. See, once you hit the big 3-0 unfortunately there’s no more making-out in public. You’re too old. Get a freakin’ room. You have a job, you have a credit card. Grab her ass and say “Let’s beat it dude.” Now, I might make an exception for bars like the Liquor Store where they have a designated making-out area. That’s different because it’s set-back from the rest of the bar and somewhat private. It’s complicated though, there’s zoning rules, etc. For now, making-out in bars stops at 29.
Driving a fast car – maximum age: 38. There’s nothing more embarrassing, other than a bad liar, than a middle-aged man driving a Lamborghini. Get a fucking Caddy like everyone else. Even a high-end Buick is fine. We understand the point you’re making: you used to be poor, now you’re rich; your trophy wife’s as dumb as the steering wheel but incredibly f’n hot. Hooray for you. Seriously. But listen Pops, there’s a reason they didn’t cast Ted Danson over Vin Diesel in “2 Fast, 2 Furious.” By trying to rub in our faces how belatedly cool you are; you’re actually embarrassing yourself even more. Please by a Caddy. PLEASE.
Bragging about being wasted – maximum age: 25. Remember these conversations?
“Dude, I was SO fuckin’ fucked up last night, you don’t even KNOW. Seriously dude, seriously. You don’t even know.”
“What did you do?”
“Dude it was awesome… probably 15 shots of Jaegar, f’n Cuervo… dude I PERSONALLY kicked the keg of Natty Light at the bar… It was nuts. Then I was puking all over the place…but I came back and did ANOTHER 15 shots of Jaegar….. people were like ‘Holy cow! Now this guy can drink!’ Then I woke up pant-less with lipstick all over my face.”
“Dude, no way! That is hilarious! They have Natty on tap?”
Listen I’m not saying this stuff doesn’t happen past 25, but it’s probably a good idea to keep it under wraps…
Trying to hit the ball retriever guy at the driving range – maximum age: 35. I’m at the driving range the other day, hadn’t hit all winter, and for literally the first 15 balls, me and my buddy’s ONLY goal was to hit the ball retriever guy around 150-175 yards out. Finally I was like, “Dude, aren’t we too old to still be doing this? We did this when we were 16!” He simply replied, “Nope…” and we continued to take aim at our 4-wheeled moving target, guaranteeing yet another summer of rounds in triple digits.
Playing “Asshole” – maximum age: 24. What the hell is going on around here? You can’t be playing “Asshole” at 25! President, Vice President, whatever - just drink your damn beer. Now Beirut is a different story. I saw a little kid playing Beirut at the ’04 Belmont, so we know there’s no minimum; as far as a maximum – I’m going with 112. Why not? You can play in wheelchair.
Playing games in a relationship – maximum age: 52. You dudes in your 20’s and 30’s think women stop playing games when they get older? Ha, nope! My research indicates it’s not until you hit 52 when it becomes socially acceptable to ask, “Are we gonna bang or not?” and have the woman be legally required to reply with an honest yes/no answer. Until then though, I don’t know what to tell you - it’s just something we have to deal with for the next 2+ decades…
Doing the Running Man – maximum age: 27. Listen to this shit - according to a friend of mine there was a guy in his mid-30’s doing the Running Man on the dance floor of a bar last week. He said he couldn’t even look directly at this guy he was so horrified. And apparently the guy wasn’t even looking side-to-side like everyone knows you’re supposed to! What the heck is that?!?! If you’re going to break the rules of society and do the Running Man after your 28th birthday, please, at least do it correctly.
Drinking orange soda – maximum age: 15. I got into a bit of a debate a few months ago about this and I’m willing to concede I was wrong. Grown men cannot be drinking orange soda, it’s too embarrassing. I love orange soda, always have – that’s why it’s so disappointing. But orange soda is something a 9-year old orders at little Goldie Applebaum’s happy birthday party at Chuck E’ Cheese. Not a big deal, you just have to go Sprite, Pepsi or Mountain Dew from here on out.
Having a cell phone ring – maximum age: 23. I’m on the Green Line the other day and if I wasn’t mistaken, I could’ve sworn I heard the cell phone of a girl in her early 30’s playing “Toxic” by Britney Spears. Huh!? My step-sister is 15 and she has “Baby Got Back” as her ring, and that’s kind of funny. 30 years old with “Toxic”? Once you hit 24, cut the damn music and just keep the thing on vibrate. (Exceptions are, of course, the piano intro to Bon Jovi’s “Runaway” and the theme song to RBI Baseball. Then it’s okay.)
Getting an autograph for yourself – maximum age: 28. You ever see these 40 year old guys with their guts hanging over the railing at a baseball game looking for autographs? “Holy shit I got Trot Nixon!” “Cool, I got Papplebon! I got Papplebon!” Well whoop-di friggin-doo. Maybe if you weren’t playing video games and watching squiggle-vision in high school that could’ve been YOU getting interviewed by Natalie Jacobsen. Now if the autograph is for your kid, your dad, your wife - really anybody other than you, it’s perfectly acceptable. But as a grown man you should no longer be begging athletes for autographs unless its one of 4 men: Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Donnie Baseball or Hart Lee Dykes. You obviously see the commonality in the first three, with Dykes – the man signs his first name in the shape of a heart, and that’s just too good to pass up…
So that concludes part 2 of the possibly 3-part series, “How Old is Too Old?” Feel free to send along any suggestions. Now, who’s President again? Me? Nice…