How Not to Win Your NCAA Pool

While most websites and publications are shoving picks, tips and capsules down your throats pretending THEY know what’s actually going to happen in this year’s NCAA Tournament, The Stool once again separates itself from the competition by providing 10 keys on what NOT to do in order to win your office pool.  Basically we’re playing off Costanza’s “do the opposite” theory except with a twist of degeneracy.  In other words, these 10 things will guarantee you’ll lose.

1. Doing Research

Well if there’s one thing I learned through the years is that doing research before the tournament is a sure-fire way to lose your NCAA pool.  The fact is, other than this article, nothing you read in the next few days will help you succeed in your brackets.  It’s just too tough.  Half of these games come down to miracle shots anyway.  Plus, who are you going to trust out there?  In CBS Sportsline’s original preview of the Midwest bracket, the (paid) writer reminds us that “Kansas lost to USC in December”.  Um, yeah.  Kansas won that game.  The preview was later corrected, but it just proves the point that doing research before the tournament is meaningless.  Just ask the chick who won it last year.

2. Religiously follow college basketball

First off, let’s have a quick show of hands if you religiously follow college basketball.  Okay, now keep your hands up if you won your pool last year.  Ugh.  See, it doesn’t matter how many random games you watched on CSTV or that you know the head coach of Drake is named “Keno”.  It makes no difference that you saw Connecticut lose TWICE to Providence this year or that you’re well aware the 3 teams that tied for the regular season Big West title were Northridge, Fullerton and Santa Barbara.  None of this knowledge will help you – especially the Keno part.  You know the expression “The more you know”?   Well the less you know, the better you’re probably going to do in your NCAA tournament pool. 

3. Going with your gut

Now when it comes to filling out your brackets, the only thing worse than doing research and religiously following college basketball is going with your gut.  Just ask yourself the question, “When was the last time ‘my gut’ was right?”  Wasn’t it your gut that told you to accept your current job?  What about your last relationship?  How’d that end up?  The bottom line is that playing hunches a.k.a. “going with your gut” is the stupidest thing you could do.  Note: an out of body experience, dream or drug-induced haze is different.  Never question what comes to mind during those types of situations. (see #10)

4. Allowing chicks to participate

Now this was alluded to earlier, but if you want any shot of winning this year’s pool your best bet is simply not to allow girls to participate.  I mean you hear about chicks winning these things all the time - in fact, the pool I’m in my buddy’s girlfriend has won the last 2 years and counting.  It’s down right painful, especially for my buddy who happens to be a big-time college hoops fan.  The only payback I have for him is to go to Vegas, throw a few bucks on The Bachelor and see what happens.  Other than that, we need to find some kind of loophole in the Constitution and ban all females from this year’s pool. 

5. Picking too many upsets

Naturally there’s going to be upsets this year just like there is every year, but don’t be the guy who has every higher seed losing in the first 2 rounds just to say “I had every higher seed losing in the first 2 rounds.”  Actually I’ll probably do this just to say, “I told everyone in my article not to have all the higher seeds losing in the first 2 rounds and did it anyway for no reason.”  I’ll lose but that’s just my way of thinking.  Anyway don’t forget last year’s Final 4 had two 1-seeds and two 2’s, and only 12 games in the whole tournament saw a lower-seeded team come out on top.

6. Forgetting about the announcers

I’ve been reminding people of this for a long time now, but please don’t forget who’s announcing the games.  Now since other websites have discovered Gus Johnson I’m fearing he’s become too “mainstream” and his Cinderella powers have been diminished.  Therefore I’m looking for another sleeper announcer, and that’s going to be the newest addition to the CBS announcing team – Carter Blackburn of CSTV who’s calling the games with Enberg and Bilas in Anaheim.   I mean we’ll see what happens, nobody is going to come close to matching what Gus has done in his career, but something is telling me to keep an eye on the lower seeds out in Anaheim.

7. Forgetting how much Roy Williams sucks in a big game

I don’t need to do an ounce of research to tell you I’m not picking North Carolina to win the National Championship.  I don’t care if every game they have to play to get to San Antonio is in their own backyard, but Roy Williams, at some point, will find a way to blow it.  Forget ’97 with Kansas, forget ’03 with Kansas, and we’re going to forget his UNC team in ’05 because 4 of the 5 starters were friggin lottery picks; we just have to look at last year.  I still don’t know how Roy managed to lose that game vs. Georgetown in the Regional Final when the Hoyas somehow ran off 14 straight points in overtime.  (Still waiting for Roy to call a T.O.)   So if you want to lose your pool this year, just pick UNC to win it all.

8. Believing in Kansas

Speaking of Kansas, as one of my buddies told me on Monday night, “I don’t know if I can stop myself from picking Kansas”.  I know exactly what he means – when you look at Kansas’ roster (and record) it’s very tempting to pick the talented Jayhawks to go all the way.   Frankly they got screwed last year having to play UCLA in San Jose in the Elite 8, but it just seems like it’s always something.  You had Bradley, you had Bucknell.   I don’t know what it’s going to be, but even on the 20th anniversary of the Danny Manning team, I still don’t believe in Kansas. 

9. Believing in the Big 10

I shouldn’t even have to remind people of this but I feel like it’s my civic duty.  Now we’ve only had one Big 10 school win the National Championship in the last 15 years (MSU – 2000) and this streak will continue once again here in ’08.  They only got 4 teams in, but right now I have Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan State and Purdue all being ousted by Sunday night.

10. Copying these picks

Seeing that I haven’t won one of these pools since ‘96 when a bizarre premonition in the back of an Old Testament class at Providence College correctly led me to a Syracuse/Kentucky final, the last but certainly not least of the 10 keys to failure in winning your NCAA pool is following my selections in this paragraph.  I’m going with North Carolina out of the East, Georgetown out of the Midwest, Stanford out of the South and UCLA out of the West.  Then UCLA over Stanford, UNC over Georgetown, and UCLA over UNC in the Final.

Once again, follow these 10 keys and there's no way you're winning this year's pool. So good luck, and we’ll see you Friday at The Place.