How Malnourished Are People In Hollywood? E From Entourage & The Utter Improbability of His On-Screen Tough Guy Persona
How Malnourished Are People In Hollywood? E From Entourage & The Utter Improbability of His On-Screen Tough Guy Persona
I do not live in Los Angeles. I am not involved in the entertainment industry. I do not know the inner-workings of Entourage. So perhaps, I may be simply unaware of the realities of producing a television show. Or perhaps I missed the news stories about the Dust Bowl that has encircled Southern California for the past century, blotted out the sun, killed all the crops and livestock, cut off the importation of food and medicine and stunted the growth of generations of SoCal natives.
But if not, then could someone please explain to me just how in the hell E from Entourage is supposed to be even remotely believable as a tough guy?
I watch Entourage and feel strongly that it is the best 18 minutes of comedy on television on Sundays on HBO. I realize that it is a highly fictionalized version of the "real Hollywood" and for the most part I am able to overlook the complete absurdity of the show and focus on Jeremy Piven's hysterical hairline.
But anytime lil' Kevin Connolly gets his wittle panties in a bunch and starts talking tough, I cringe. Not just because the idea of Connolly beating up an aborted fetus- let alone a full grown person- is laughable but because I'm not sure I want to spend the money to move to LA right now. Because if Kevin Connolly's E can come even close to passing for a tough guy in Hollywood then I have no excuse not to suck it up, move to Los Angeles, invite a dozen Massholes over and take control of the city.
It's not that I'm tough. I'm not. I'm a pussy. But even a pussy like me knows what tough looks like.
And five feet nothing, eighty pounds and nothing and not a speck of testosterone just doesn't cut it. Not in real life. And not on HBO.
I understand that most Hollywood tough guys aren't even close to being tough. But at least they make an effort and lift a weight or something. Or grow some stubble. Or get shot from certain angles to make sure that the audience doesn't pick up on the fact they're five feet tall.
Tom Cruise. Lunatic with lifts in his shoes. I sorta buy his tough guy characters. Matt Damon. Hippy Cantabrigian with a Zinn fetish. Manages to look the part of a killer. Bruce Willis. Cuckolded has-been. But pulls off Die Hard. Brad Pitt. Henpecked collector of ethnic children and Le Corbusier furniture. Kinda looks like he can throw a punch.
But E/Kevin Connolly? I could wake up tonight and find him standing next to my bed, covered in blood and body parts, holding a gun to my head and mumbling about making me suffer and I would chuckle to myself and fall back asleep. There isn't anything even remotely threatening or dangerous about him.
But every episode, there he is spouting off about kicking someone's ass or not being afraid to get in someone's face. Producers and writers of Entourage- give it up. Being from Queens and working in a pizza shop don't make E tough. If those were the only prerequisites to being tough then a lot of chubby virgins in skintight Mets jerseys wouldn't be spending their weekends calling Mike and the Mad Dog and taking their mothers to Bingo.
Enough is enough. The whole pretense of E being "tough" is ruining Entourage for me, even more than Vince's horrible fake moustache. The more E talks tough, the closer I get to launching an invasion of SoCal.
But in the meantime, as I collect my supplies and finalize my planning, here are 50 fictional characters/old ladies/cripples/toddlers/corpses that would wipe the floor with E
- Little Bo Peep
- Stephen Hawking
- Brian Piccolo
- Queen Elizabeth
- Dakota Fanning
- Velma from Scooby Doo
- Tom Brady's bastard child
- Rue McClanahan
- Ramona Quimby
- Bert
- Ernie
- Tom Thumb
- Barbara Bush
- Screech
- Hayden Panettiere
- Johnny Pesky
- Piggy
- Anne Frank
- Bob Dole
- Ponyboy
- Stuart Little
- Winnie Cooper
- Doogie Howser
- Cole Sear
- Kevin McAllister
- Hermione Granger (no magic allowed)
- Max Cleland
- Corky Thatcher
- Brigitta von Trapp
- Marta von Trapp
- Gretl von Trapp
- Mother Theresa
- John Wayne
- Abigail Breslin
- Katie Couric
- Glass Joe
- Elizabeth Bennet
- Ashley Olsen
- Madeline Albright
- Tupac
- Smurfette
- Cagney
- Lacey
- Dora the Explorer
- Toucan Sam
- Chris Farley
- Hugh Grant
- Eeyore
- The Little Drummer Boy
- AJ Soprano