Holiday Gift Guide for the Family Degenerate
Every family has at least one degenerate. It could be you. It could be me. But no family would be complete without someone addicted to gambling. And no Holiday Edition of Barstool Sports would be complete without an article advising caring friends and family on how to buy for that special degenerate loved one in their life.
“Don’t Worry About It”
Degenerates are easy to shop for because they never want anything too obscure. You ask them what they want, and there’s a 90% chance you’ll get the ole’ “Don’t worry about it” in return. “Don’t worry about it” simply means they need cash, but are too embarrassed to ask for it. “Hey, what do you want this year?” “Don’t worry about it.” Write it down - the man needs cash. Or check. Check will do. Wiring money also works. There’s nothing better to a degenerate than when he punches up his online “savings account” and sees there’s more money in there than the last time he checked. It’s like Christmas. Granted that money will be gone before New Year’s but like with everything, it’s the thought that counts -- you thought about his well being, he thought about the 2nd half Over in the Liberty Bowl. Like he said, “Don’t worry about it.”
“Vouchers”
Another great gift idea is a voucher from his local gambling parlor. This is a simple, yet potentially dangerous gift to buy, for the sole reason that you actually have to enter said facility to get it. Could be trouble. Once you’re in though, first inhale the scent – that’s losing you smell. Then just literally walk up to any teller where people aren’t sleeping on the ground in line, and ask for the dollar amount of your choice in the form of a voucher. You need to say the word “voucher” or else you might windup placing a bet. So, “$50 voucher, please” is all you have to say. Then you take the voucher, put it in the greeting card and “voila” – Merry Christmas, Uncle Pete! It works every time.
“No Scratchies, please”
Now you’re probably asking yourself about scratch tickets. Personally I’m not recommending you buy the family degenerate scratch tickets for a few reasons: namely, their too “mainstream”. Everybody’s buying everybody scratch tickets these days. It’s fucking Christmas. Make him feel special. Number two, he has no control whether he wins or loses on a scratch ticket. What’s done is done. It’s a pre-printed form, and by now he can probably tell by the serial numbers on the card whether it’s a winner or a loser. Heck, he might just fling it across the room like a Frisbee and not even scratch it. So, if you have a reliable car and don’t mind spending 10 minutes in a place like Wonderland, possibly at night, try getting him the voucher instead of a scratch ticket if you can.
“Pens”
It seems every time I’m on my way to the track I’m frantically searching for a pen. What I’d like for Christmas is a huge f’n box of pens. Sure I can take them from work but it’s not the same. I want that very rare feeling of opening a box of pens on Christmas morning. Degenerates are a lot of things, but we’re a practical people. (Practical = cheap.) We hate spending the lousy 50 cents on the ones they sell you at the track. You’re already down before you walk in the door. You bring your own pen, that’s like having 50 ADDITIONAL cents in your pocket! Does it get any better???
“TVG”
Okay, so far on our list we have cash, wire transfers, vouchers and pens for your family degenerate. How exciting! But wait, there’s more. Nothing says “Happy Holidays!” like a pre-paid subscription to TVG.
As most of you probably know by now, TVG is the horse racing channel on Comcast channel 260 in Boston. All you need is the “Silver Plus” sports package, which runs a few bucks extra per month than the standard cable. Within hours he’ll be hooked, and you probably won’t see him again until spring, if ever at all. Now this could be good news or bad news depending on the person. If it’s bad news, oh well. If it’s good news, then TVG is the gift that keeps on giving…
“Dinner at Foxwoods”
Don’t make the mistake of a getting a degenerate a room at Foxwoods. I hear this one a lot… “Frank likes to gamble. Let’s get him and his girlfriend a hotel room at Foxwoods.” Um, no. Frank isn’t going anywhere near the hotel room. He’s going to be playing blackjack until 8 in the morning and MAYBE get back to the room to brush his teeth before he leaves. You’re basically throwing your money away with this one. Instead, get Frank a gift certificate to the Hard Rock or one of the other restaurants down there. Most likely he and his girlfriend will spend more time eating dinner than they do in the room.
“Korean Massage”
Degenerates are always stressing out. They’re always thinking about lines, trends, overs, unders, teasers, parlays, works, splits, lasix, mud calks – you know, the important stuff in life. What they need is a good massage. Preferably a Korean one, but any massage will certainly do for a degenerate on Christmas. Or any day of the week he doesn’t have to work. Supposedly there are some fairly cheap massage places in Boston if you don’t feel like spending top dollar on him, for whatever reason. Either way, I’m sure he’ll appreciate a good massage after what’s most likely been a rough 2006.
Happy holidays.