Heroin TV

There are certain shows I do my best to catch every week: the Real World, 24, Big Monday, English Parliament, to name a few. But there are others simply on a different level of addiction. If you need a point of reference, imagine somewhere in between the Barstool Message Board and smack. And instead of just “trying to catch” these events, I’ve become so hooked through the years my body will not physically allow me to miss a single second. Frankly, I’m not sure what would happen if I did. Fever? Shakes? Polio?? I don’t even want to think about it. Interestingly enough some of these programs are coming up shortly and I thought now would be an appropriate time to list the 10 most addictive shows or events I’ve ever seen in my 25+ years of watching TV.

10. “MTV Spring Break” – Pauly Shore, Ed Lover, Daisy Fuentes; I don’t care who they have in a bikini, MTV Spring Break is fucking tremendous. Where else can you see illegally hot college girls with no morals whatsoever making Human Tacos out of each other while Jerry Springer just stares in shock with his glasses half-hanging off his face?

Besides his own show.

Also, some of you may not remember, but back in the day the “King and Queen of Spring Break” contest was the closest thing to porn we had on TV. Some of my first “memories of adolescence” were from that competition. Ah, but I digress… MTV Spring Break, although it has changed somewhat through the years (people are basically banging on stage now) the show has and always will be a wonderful celebration of the advantages of being attractive and to this day makes it very difficult to change the channel.

9. “American Idol” – I don’t know what to say other than this is only good reality show left. It took me a while to come to grips with this, but it’s true. Survivor sucks, Apprentice sucks; Real World is okay and Laguna Beach I’m still not convinced is 100% real so that doesn’t count. “Idol”, on the other hand, is brutally real, possibly fixed, and as far as I’m concerned the most dramatic show on TV. Throw in the fact that there’s nothing else on Tuesday nights and WHAM-O, you have yourself a clinical addiction. And don’t tell me you don’t watch American Idol. Of course you do. Don’t lie to me. It’s a great show and you have nothing to be ashamed of....unless you’re Paula Abdul. She’s just, as Bill Walton would say, “Terrible.”

8. Olympic Hockey – (Note: Only when USA is in medal contention.) I had to put the disclaimer next to this one because this year it wasn’t the same after the Americans tied Latvia in the opening game. Regardless, every 4 years I’m a mad man for 2 weeks watching Olympic hockey. It’s like the NHL playoffs in the late 80’s-early 90’s. The intensity is sky high. And in 2010 when they’re playing in Vancouver, we won’t have to wake up at the ungodly hour of 11 a.m. on a Saturday to watch the U.S. team play. So that’s good news too.

7. Live Coverage of a Riot – I know I only have one legitimate example of this back in L.A. 1992, actually two if you want to count Pistons/Pacers; either way, live coverage of a riot gets the adrenaline pumping like watching Game 7 of the World Series in the Gold Room at the Foxy Lady. I’m always the guy doing the play-by-play, “Hey, that guy just got ran over!” Or, “Look over there, that guy’s killing innocent people!” There’s really nothing else like it on free TV. Also, was there some kind of riot in France a few months ago or did I just dream that? That couldn’t have happened, could it?

6. UPN Classic Movie on Sunday Afternoon – Some controversy on this one. Maybe I’m alone here but there’s something unbelievably addicting when a classic movie is on UPN on a Sunday afternoon. Last week my buddies were calling me, frantically trying to organize a poker game - and I had to text them back, “Can’t talk. Watching Donnie Brasco.” Sure they had a right to be pissed at me but there was nothing I could do. F’n Donnie Brasco was on. If I had put in the DVD it would’ve been completely different, I would’ve paused it. But when it’s on UPN it’s out of my hands.

5. First Round of the NFL Draft – This is one of those days where I could be anywhere in North America and still be gravitated to the TV. Granted I have serious, serious problems, but a few years ago I was in Montreal and I made the bartender at Hurley’s change a Senators’ playoff game (GASP!) for the last 10 picks. He wasn’t happy, but I think he knew I meant business when my left arm started twitching. Plus, the Jets’ pick is always required viewing because it’s of the few times in life where you know a guy is getting booed. “And the Jets select….Kyle Bra-BOOOOO….” It’s inevitable.

4. “The Sopranos” – I was in South Carolina for work back in 2000 and one of the local townspeople asked me, “Pete, you’re Italian, when do the Sopranos start?” I always thought this was a remarkably offensive question, but I answered it anyway, “Um, June, I think. I don’t work for HBO by the way.” It just shows the wide-spread appeal of organized crime. Like the Olympics, the Sopranos is aired once every 4 years (or so it seems) and the hype usually leads to a first-show let down. After that though, it’s the best show on TV in my book, and is the 4th most addicting I’ve ever seen.

3. Final Round of The Masters – Like the now-defunct Barstool Radio Hour, the Masters is one of the few events aired without commercials. Also like the now-defunct Barstool Radio Hour, it is riveting from start to finish. I can’t think of a single Masters in the last 10 years where I didn’t see the final round. First two are tough, I have a job, barely; Saturdays I usually nap, but Sunday I will cross-out the “nothing, absolutely nothing” written on my calendar and replace it with 1 word - “The Masters.”

2. First 2 Days of the NCAA Tournament – Now we’re into the serious shit. Now we’re talking cutting class, skipping work and postponing open-heart surgery. The first two days of the Tournament are insane. I may have left work for the 3rd period of USA/Finland 2 weeks ago, but I’m not even showing up next Thursday. My boss is well aware. He knows. Frankly, you’re probably less productive being at work anyway since you’re downloading score-trackers in between refreshing web pages every 2 seconds. So what I’m saying is yes, come to The Place on March 16th, it will be a good time. Just make sure you don’t bet on the higher seed in a Gus Johnson-announced game.

1. Yankee/Red Sox Playoff Series – Okay, everybody brace themselves, I’m going to quote Bob Costas: “Playoff baseball is so intensely remembered because it is so intensely watched.” Everyone okay? Like him or not, Costas is right. And I think “intensely” might even underestimate a Yankee/Red Sox playoff series. How about “psychotic”? I think I like that better. Put it this way, phone calls from the Pope with the secret of life will go unanswered if he tries calling me during a Yankee/Red Sox playoff game. It’s just not going to happen. Honestly, text me dude, if you have to get in touch.